ok that's better
no one irl cares enough to know me for me. no one will ever love me like THEY did. im such a hyprocrite because i crave the love that i repel. i fucking hate it.
i find it hard to talk to people. i mean, i always have. but ive found it hard to talk to people im familiar with and know how to talk to. i dont know why. i guess it's cause im growing more drained as the days go on or something. it's getting rough.
im feeling a feeling that i dont know how to describe but ive felt it so many times before. it's like a mild sense of dread mixed with the heaviness of depression. i dont know why it suddenly hit me.
I've been making a new friend at school. I've known her for a few years but these past few weeks I've been getting closer. I like her a lot and enjoy her company. we've only been talking because we have the same gym class and dont know/arent comfortable with anyone else. but like.. idk. we've been talking a lot outside of that class and started texting a week or 2 ago. it's nice to be around new energy.
I've taken an interest in taking pictures and capturing anything I can to look back on the memories. I should've done this sooner. I wish I had more pictures of the past because my memory has gotten worse.
just reflecting on memories i wish i could go back to
concerning my intrusive thoughts i used to have, they're pretty much gone. and im glad because holy shit they really messed me up last year. but they still come and go in small waves. old thoughts still haunt me.
i dont deserve anyone
every time i want to connect with someone and bond with them in a romantic context and we get together and all that, it always ends the same. always. they hurt me and sometimes use me and leave me unable to believe that kind of love exists. my life is just a series of people leaving me over and over and i dont know why. i dont know what i did to deserve this. even the people who said they'd never leave, they did. everything is hard to trust.
our species is hard to trust. we've brought certain things upon ourselves. i have come to hate humans over these past 2 years for very obvious reasons. i dont think i need to list anything. if you're not oblivious, you know what i mean.
i wish for the day you finally take me back
so im finally getting back into therapy. i dont know for how long and i dont know when my first session will be but i wanna try it out one last time for a while. like im seeing a counselor outside of school. im hoping that this will go well and not be a waste of time like my last counselor turned out to be. she was nice but didnt really guide me in the way i was expecting and ditched me in the middle of a session. so yeah.
also it's almost november, which is crazy to think about. this year went by so fast and it's almost my birthday again. i know im still super young but i cant believe i am still alive after everything that has happened to me. i cant believe i have lived this long through everything.
if love is so dangerous why do i worry about finding it again? i think it's cause i cant stop thinking about how i felt towards you, i cant stop thinking about how we made each other feel and i crave it. i want you, i want something or someone like that again. i wish it didnt have to end. i wish i could get over you but i cant. i need you or at least someone who loves me like we loved each other.
i still cant believe youre not with me
i cant let go
i met with my new therapist yesterday and i like her a lot. im hoping our first real session next week goes well.
i dont wanna go to school anymore. im so exhausted. i dont wanna do anything. i dont wanna go out. i dont wanna think. i wanna be left alone to sleep in until later than noon and to stay up all night. just dont let me think.
im so done with today. i cant wait to go to bed.
i wanna get back into animation seriously again but I haven't had the motivation. I've had so much time but little energy to do much. when I was younger I was much more serious about studying and practicing but I've been really lazy with my work for a while.
i've been trying not to fall back into old habits that used to comfort me and bring me away from reality while I was at school. I used to hide for so long in the private stall bathrooms and disconnect from everything in 9th grade. my teachers would always come and find me. it's not as often as it used to be and I definitely don't stay as long as I used to, but damn.. it really sucks. it brings back a lot of unwanted memories.
arent you curious as to why people do immoral and illegal things? arent you curious as to what makes people's minds different? the psychology behind what makes someone themselves, behind what makes a criminal a criminal.. it's really interesting to me. i want to know why people do the things they do. out of pure curisoity, as always. i feel like it should be something people look into more, hell even i tell this myself that i should look into it more as it is one of my smaller interests. you see somebody lash out or full on commit something and it's on the news or someone told you about it and it's forgotten about, or maybe it's pushed to the corners of your mind. but what is in their heads? we're all confined in our own worlds with our own unique thinking patterns, aren't you curious of what other people think instead?
another random thought for the night: the people closest to me are the farthest away in distance but they're never far in spirit or in my heart. it's why i forget that there's distance between us at all. and then there's that painful reminder.. but honestly, when the distance is closed even for a moment, it will be worth everything.
even my dreams taunt me with faux feelings and thoughts of a genuine, deep connection with someone. i can only have that in my dreams.
first, happy 11/11!
second.. i was gonna write about something but honestly i have no words for how i feel anymore. not even my drawings can express how i feel to the extent that i do at this point.
my brain is STUCK. I wanna write and draw and all that but for some reason I can't. hate it when that happens.
i cant wait to go home back to you every night and feel safe and stop worrying about the future and just exist in the moment with no one around us with silence filling the room. but it's all a dream. something you yourself have told me that is impossible to go back to.
i keep wondering what is at the edge of tomorrow and what the universe has to show me. i refuse to die until i know.
through the internet, connected through spirit and by heart, I know you're always there never to leave until we're reborn as the stars we came from. and even until then, would we truly be apart? i feel as if this is just meant to happen. we're meant to be together. we fill the voids for each other that we've longed to have for such a long time. and it's a beautiful thing.
even in my dreams im not safe from the void of losing you
when i think of you, when i see you and look into your eyes or hear your voice, all i can think of is pure compassion, love, etc. it's just the purity of love and kindness. i see many other things when i look at you or hear you too, but that's one of the main things. and i never thought i would ever find that in a parent, or at least a parent figure. it's overwhelming but in the best way possible. and i feel that as each day grows, no matter where we are, our bond deepens and we will never be apart.
i will never be in their arms, their presence, nor will they find something worth loving in me again. how do i accept that it's over, that it's impossible to go back?
the things i want, crave and need are always impossible to find or slip away from me. i dont want you with anyone else! the thought of it hurts in every place possible. why cant i go home with you?
i cant stop thinking about what i could've had with them
i realize i am not alone in the sense of truly being alone, having nothing and no one around you. but i still feel alone. i guess it's cause i still need to work on getting over them. to stop thinking about what we had and to stop wishing to have them back. im alone in that kind of sense. but overall.. i know im not alone. but it feels awful anyways.
i dont know what to write about you anymore.
i used to be so happy with you and then everything was taken away
nothing ever lasts for me! why should i care so much about finding someone again if all they're ever gonna do is hurt me!
i need to stop dwelling on the past and what couldve been
everyone just hurts me over and over it's unfair and cruel and it's never worth it in the end
why does love have to be so evil
i wanna feel love again. a pure bond that cannot be broken. but it is evil and i cannot let evil things into my life. it is ironic, and this is the biggest hypocritical moment i have ever had.
it doesnt have to hurt. it doesnt have to be this way. but it always has been this way and i have never been able to escape it. the cycle of abandonment has started ever since i was born and it will continue to make me suffer and rot in this lifetime.
always waiting for my story to be told to open eyes but never to forceful hearts. don't trust them
i thought i could live without you and i thought i would be fine, but it's been hurting more than ever.
the void has not stopped to rest. it never does. it only grows with time. it grows more as we are apart. the pain does not stop to rest, for it only eats me alive, that is its only purpose. so cruel. it is the worst evil.
i dont like this new era that is beginning
i feel bad for the post above. at least some parts of it. i know they didnt want to hurt me or mean to hurt me. but it happened anyways. we loved each other and that's all that mattered. im sorry i couldnt be enough for you or for anyone that has briefly crossed paths with me.
the depression and the already existing pain is not a good mix. it's getting worse.
i cant escape these feelings. not even in my sleep or my dreams. what the fuck.
i've come to learn over the years that family doesnt have to be blood related. in fact, my friends are my family and my blood related family doesnt feel like family at all.
it doesnt matter how much i sleep or how much i am away from being awake in this reality. i am trapped endlessly.
i forget sometimes that some people actually want to do something with themselves and become something or do something important.
seriously hoping that my birthday, christmas and new years will be a lot better than how things have been recently.
it's amazing what years of abandonment does to someone
every day my love for you grows and it hurts that you dont feel the same
i just want it to be over with
i cant believe i still text you
i dont want it to end even though it already has a long time ago i dont want it to end it cant be over i dont want it to be over
i wish i could tell you my deepest thoughts and my deepest desires. i wish i could say the things i want to tell you like i always did. we always said we loved each other and we always were open about how much we admired each other. it is such a shame that everything is gone. but my love for you stays, as it has for a long time. i never want to feel it fade away even if it is one sided, but i know that it is for the best to move on and to seek out new things that make me happy.
with every inch of my being, i love you. im sorry that this is how it is. every day i want to tell you how much i love you, but i know it would be wrong to say anything at all. i inch closer and closer to telling you, day by day. i know if i said anything, it would only result in more pain. but i feel like im going to explode if i dont say anything. i feel like your love is the only love i am allowed to feel, for it is pure for the most part, minus the abnormalities in the way you said things or did things that hurt me. if i were to feel love for anyone else, it would turn to abuse and manipulation. you are the only one i can have and i dont know why. but it feels like it's supposed to be this way. i wish you could feel the same.
i keep my thoughts to myself. my thoughts about you, my dreams and the countless times i have talked to the universe about you, wanting you and needing you in my life. i tell it all to the universe and certain people around me. of course, there isn't anything that i can do to bring us back. not even the strength of the universe can.
i wonder if there will be a love greater than ours, a love so great that the universe has no choice but to pull us together. but it feels wrong, it feels like the universe pulled US together. and that shouldve been it. but it wasnt.
i tried to push it away but im so in love with you. it's unbearable, it hurts. i love you so much.
every day it's about you. the way it all hurts and how i feel cold. it's all about you when i talk to whatever is above us. i plead to the void, that someday we will be reunited. someday it'll come together again, it has to. it cant end here. there's more to it, right?
the way i felt around you, it was unreal. the things we shared were unreal to me that anyone could ever feel this way towards me. why dont you feel it anymore? why did we let our problems and anxieties tear us apart? this shouldnt happen. we should be together.
you made me feel pure, like love was a good thing, you made me feel ethereal and like god existed.
im ready to go home now. where ever it is, im ready.
my head hurts. i cant let go. it's all a disaster. nothing feels right.
i wanna tell you how i feel but i cant
every day it's some new thought about you or i revisit old memories that i cant shake off no matter how much i try.
i need to get it out to you i really do but im scared because i know it's going to hurt me and im not ready for your response. i know what you will say. i know what i say isnt going to make a difference. i dont know what to do
i need to tell you
memories lost to time because of my ignorance. i never asked about you. and i will never know if i dont ask before it's too late.
im sorry i dont know how to communicate with you in the ways you want me to
i saw ashley today, we had lunch together and we want to work on being friends. it makes me happy knowing she wants to be by my side. i always thought she didnt want to be.
i hope tomorrow is going to be a good day. last year was awesome, im hoping for something the same.
please dont be in love with me, i dont belong with you. i dont want to admit it directly because i know it would hurt you. im not chasing you back.
we arent soulmates. please stop.
i told them how i feel. after all this time with my feelings and thoughts of them being built up. there is no response from them yet, but i dont blame them. how do you respond to something like that?
it's not worth it
i can get through 10 more days until i get out for break. i got this.. i hope.
my mother figure keeps me alive. i love her beyond words.
it's been 2 years since i wrote my first will. i truly wish i hadnt destroyed that dark blue notebook. i still have it, but it's been through water, paint and i ripped out certain pages and burned them. i think it's for the best that it's mostly destroyed.
on a lighter note, it's almost the end of the week. almost time for my holiday break. thank god.
i need to remind myself that not everything is directed towards me. not little everything is about me.
awesome. im staying after school on monday to catch up on work. oh well, it needs to be done and at least im doing it with one of my favorite teachers. i'll worry about it when the day comes.
i dont wanna live past 18 or 20. of course, when i was younger, i would always be like "i dont wanna live past [age that i thought i wasnt gonna live to see]". but i always lived through it. but im serious.. im awfully afraid of becoming an adult. i used to want to be an adult, but that's when i was younger and that's when i didn't know a lot of what the world looked like. im not gonna live the life i wanted years ago, and im not gonna live the life my guardians/family/people around me expected to have. just fuck it, dude. there's no hope for someone like me. im surprised i even live another day with the bullshit i've been through and continue to go through. it's not like i want this. it's not like anyone around me wants this. but there is honestly no hope. no light. no love. nothing. im going to be stuck living with someone. i dont know how to be independent. i dont know if i could ever get a job with how antisocial and socially awkward i am. my guardians are old, and who knows when they could just.. suddenly be gone. i dont know how to do a lot of things on my own and it's scary. but i dont have the energy to commit to learn or do anything. i dont wanna move out of this apartment. rent is so expensive and i dont know if i could keep it up on my own. im so scared.
i just need to get through this week and then i am off for break. i can get through this. i have been through worse.
i cant wait to go to sleep. there is finally some relief again.
i wish i was unable to feel attraction to people. there is no use in abusing myself over and over for nothing that will last in the end. even "the true one" will let go. i wish my emotions in general were hard to feel.
no one will be let in, no one will be let out. this is how it should be. but people still find their way in. and in the end, they always leave me with pain worse than the last.
staying after yesterday to do some work wasn't bad at all. just a pain to go home a little later but that's all it was. I don't have to stay after school today. I've been trying to get my grades up to passing before break. so far i have been doing alright.
yesterday and today (so far) haven't been too bad. it's true that I would rather be home of course, but i should be okay.
the good news is that i am out for winter break. the bad news is that i am still having a crisis about the last 2 years of my life until i am an adult.
i cant let go of what i call the "cold era" or "darkest era" of my life. this is mostly january-february of 2020 but also captures a part of mid to late december of 2019. it was what i consider the lowest point of my life. i was in much more suffering than i am now, and hopefully ever will be. im happy to be out of it, but i cant let go of it. i wanna be that little 14 year old again sitting in my cold room with nothing better to do. i wanna be them again, to feel that pain is to be something at least. although, it wasn't a good time. something very awful happened during this time and i wont say what it is. i am glad that i dont have to go through that event as well as this time as a whole. im not entirely sure why i cannot let go.
i cant help but to cringe when people are like "congrats to your new child!", "aww that's awesome you're starting a family", etc to some bullshit parents. people having kids is not only physically overwhelming (because, holy shit, the process of being pregnant and going through that destroys your body), but it also strains you emotionally, mentally, financially, and it strains the environment. we are killing ourselves by raising the population. you only want the best for your kid, but in a society like this, who knows what will happen to them. who knows what they will see. is that the kind of future you want? do you want them to suffer against their will? god, no wonder why people choose to end their lives. this life is awful. and we're all alive without consent. also, i know im gonna get comments like "wahhh you're gonna want kids in the future! you're an edgy teen who doesnt know the joys of being a parent! you'll find out one day!". shut up. shut up right now. i may not know what it's like to be a parent or to be pregnant or whatever excuse you wanna make, but i know the more we make the population grow, the more WE ARE FUCKED. i know you wanna clean up the environment, but the only way this world is gonna be clean is if we take out the trash that is our species. im not begging you, the reader, to commit jump or whatever. but think twice before committing awful acts that lead to more destruction of this planet. this planet can only take so much, and i will be surprised if this planet survives another day. who knows what the future generation after mine will look like. who knows what will have happened. it's the adults of this time that should feel like shit for bringing "new life" upon us. why would anyone want to be alive in this kind of world? dont bring kids into the destructive future. think about what you have done.
i think i'll be okay being alone
may no one new come into my life. may all romantic love falter and wither away in my sight. to push it away is the safest decision. may it always be this way.
it's not 2022 it's not 2022. im stuck in very early 2020 and i cant get out!!! this is where i belong!!
the cold winter and hiding in the bathroom at school. the apathy and depression. the rage i felt. this is january and a part of february during 2020. my dark era.
the era of 2021 comes to a close, very quickly too. i wish i could just move on from my dark era.. january 2020. but i hold onto it so intensely. i feel, as if, i must go through everything again and to feel the same things to go through it again.
a new era is about to begin. im not ready.
i miss knowing im wanted
heres to a new era, a new time. here's to cleaning up what i thought was my reflection, and maybe this year will turn out better as i become something more.
you've left the biggest bullet hole in me when i never thought it would happen. but i looked in the wrong direction and when i realized you were gone when i looked back, it all hit me.
i think i'll do a few things here and there when im older, and visit a couple of friends or go to concerts with them. but i dont see a reason living past 18 or maybe 20. ive done my job, suffered enough, and then i can return back to the stars like i should.
it's the most unnoticeable things that seem to have value only when a certain amount of time has passed
everything that has happened in my life, i cannot seem to completely be cold and hardened from these experiences. i want to be numb though. i dont want to feel anything. i just wish i didnt have to try to force myself to feel nothing. it never works in the end.
knowing that there is someone out there, someone im not aware of possibly, that is reading my thoughts and looking at the other pages on this site and relating to things.. it makes me feel better. if my site is some sort of comfort to someone, it makes me happy. it's a beautiful thing. no one should be alone. ❤
im glad 2020 is over and it was a long time ago, but i miss the spring and a bit of the early summer of 2020. mainly the earlier parts of spring 2020 though. my room had been cleaned, things were moved around it felt nice to have new energy with new change. i cracked my window open a little bit and always had fresh air coming through. i didnt really turn my light on, i let the natural light come in and let it come out as the night came. i used to have my closet light on, but it didn't last long unfortunately. i miss the early mornings. i guess it was a different kind of peaceful, even if it wasn't a peaceful time.
family defined by me is when you love someone regardless of who they are. you dont need to completely support their ideas, because we think differently, and that's okay. all you need to do is be understanding and loving. never abandon them for who they are. see through their differences. family doesn't leave, family doesn't lie.
i think i would rather feel empty than feel the greatest love(s) of my life being ripped away from me harder each time
i talked to my grandfather a little bit tonight and i feel good about it :)
i cant believe you slithered your way into my brain and my dreams last night once more. i dont know what we did, but i remember it was May 1st. there's no significance to this date in real life concerning us, but now I miss the spring and summertime of 2021 even more.
my life has just been one huge loss. everyone ripped away from me and leaving me. it's unfair. i know they're going to leave and im going to be left with no one.
you were in my dreams again. you're always right there but unable to touch or fully reach.old activity