i went outside for a bit just a few mins ago, and i believe i saw a shooting star if my mind wasnt playing tricks on me. it was beautiful, the stars are beautiful, and i feel so at home in their presence.
today i realize i'll never be any of my past selves ever again, whether that's a good thing or not. i'll never be listening to music on my mp3 player on the bus again, i'll never feel the relief of coming home after a long day or feel the dread of waking up super early in the morning. i'll never feel my arms against the cold desks as i fall asleep, and after my birthday this year, i'll never be a teenager again. i'll never cry in the bathroom again, cry in front of my most trusted counselors or teachers again, or feel the sting against my arms from hurting myself there. i'll never feel the dread of homework or how proud i would feel when i finally accomplished assignments, or how annoying it would feel to have teachers telling me to take my headphones off. i'll never feel the pain of being in highschool but i'll also never feel the feeling of how carefree things truly used to be. im mourning and living in my past trying to grasp at whatever i can. i just wish i had more time.
sometimes i want to make video diaries but it feels stupid talking to my phone
i think i used to take pain more gracefully but i hate how it feels. i dont feed off of it anymore, i just drown.
i cant tell fantasy and imagination from reality i think
yesterday i went to this cool art show type of place with an aunt and cousin and i saw a lot of different cool things, i bought a poetry book and a hand painted luna moth pin from the author, and i talked to her about me thinking that i'd like to be a poet and how i feel like im not good enough/i dont think anyone would read it, etc. and she told me to write for myself and i needed that reminder that i need to do things for myself more often. on another note, somehow in my most recent therapy session, i ended up talking more about my spirituality, and apparently i have a lot of similarities between what i believe in and hinduism. i know basically nothing abt it, ive looked into it a little bit and on the surface level i can see why my therapist said that. i found it fascinating to me that people who follow hinduism believe that everything in this world is considered equal as one, and that they believe your consciousness is separate from your body and therefore you arent your body. ive been hitting rough patches recently and i need to feel more connected again in the world and people around me.
i think we are one in the same. no animal, plant or person is above another. we are all alive and conscious, and that's a miracle of its own. i think sometimes people that ive observed can forget abt animals or plants bc they are "lesser", but in reality theyre experiencing a different type of life like the rest of us. im not sure how "conscious" plants are, but i do think they have a soul of some sort. off topic, but i recently went fishing with my grandpa for the first time since i was a kid in a catch and release zone nearby. it felt like good old times but there was something kind of dreadful knowing that a fish would hurt itself just for us to have fun and it felt sickening watching the worm squirm in pain on the hook. these things never bothered me as a kid and this isnt going to keep me from going fishing with my grandpa again, i guess im more sensitive to the world around me these days. i think i care too much.
i wanted to cry seeing that worm actually, and it makes me want to cry even now. i dont care how big or small a lifeform is, that creature is ALIVE. things like this (amongst other reasons ofc) make me consider becoming more on the vegan or vegetarian side.
journal wipe to keep the vibes clean
also if ur like me who cleans out their journal frequently, always save backups of ur site by downloading it, i have a shit ton of old copies of my site just bc of this and it gives me peace of mind knowing if anything goes wrong i can save my stuff
my toxic trait is that i listen to my music way too loudly and i think i might be losing hearing bc of it
i feel more like a ghost i think in the way i slink around anxiously in the backgrounds of peoples lives and memories.
i cant tell if im having one of my typical emotional trends where my mood goes up for a bit and stays there n then i come back down or if my emotional baseline is changing but holy FUCK my depressions been able to fuck off on its own for a while now. everything is so beautiful and it's so weird but it's so good and i love this feeling
i hate it when ppl cant have the balls to upright tell me something abt myself or what im doing in a negative way like UUUGHHH DONT BE A LITTLE BITCH ABT IT I HATE WHEN PPL TALK BEHIND MY BACK. it's so annoying bruh (not that its happened recently but i started thinking of old situations and ewwwwww
i like the thought of dancing in rays of light in some forest. i cant dance but i'll sway to the sounds and energies of nature. everythings beautiful if you just let it be
sometimes my handwriting is pretty and other times it's messy and mid as hell and the font i made with it is kind of mid but i think it gives this website more of a personal charm
BRUH SINCE WHEN DOES NEOCITIES HAVE A 10 COMMENT A DAY LIMIT?? ON UR OWN PROFILE TOO? HUH
okay anyways i think this new font looks better than the previous one
my biggest issue is that no matter what i do i feel like i cant get my hand writing font to be exactly perfect or aligned and it SUCKS
im not really sure what my vision is for this site, im tempted to completely gut it all and start over and see what happens.. there's always going to be backups of it for a reason to fall back on if i dont like it.
it feels better to forgive and let go than to hold onto the past
i just realized that bc im growing up, my site is also awkwardly growing up so she's going through it with me and its so weird
i need to get checked out by a doctor i dont know if im losing my hearing or if my ears r just blocked like always
wouldnt it be funny if i deleted my website and everything regarding it
nah cuz im not even upset as i write this, i just want to have a minimal presence online these days. fuck it
the smell of freshly cut grass has to be one of the best things ever
i had a drink again and i thought that it might make me feel better but im sweaty and dizzy and i feel like shit as i usually do.
theres another deep ache again. it rattles restlessly in my chest. back and forth, sawing and cutting and bleeding. it's funny how sometimes you can feel the weight of the world break your heart and have it be physically felt. i used to think my brain was dissolving as my conditions got worse, but maybe it was my heart going out too. maybe it's always been slowly going out because of my sensitivities. it still beats but i dont understand why. i dont understand why i wake up every day but fuck it, i try to push through it. i try to be positive. i try to be better and i try to tolerate myself more. idk how to end off this entry
you were right, there is a world outside of my apartment and there is more to this life. but it's scary out there.
i told myself in the past i wouldnt care if my dad died but i would. i'd tell his ghost everything that i couldnt when he was alive.
i think maybe i dont hate people as a whole but rather the economy and society that we've built
i want to change this site but i dont know how to do it in the way i want to.. i dont know what my vision is. it's so hard to figure out what this site will become
things feel pretty average on the outside. im having lunch and it's a beautiful day out. but on the inside im wondering what i can do to express my pain, what can i create or invent to keep me sane. what can i do to rip this emptiness out?
i dont think it's anything new to hear that i struggle with being in the present but it's not a recent thing. im always stuck between thinking about the past and worrying about the future. it feels like there's no "now" and everything blends together. mentally and emotionally being between a world that no longer exists and a world that has yet to exist makes me feel stuck, makes me feel like im in some kind of limbo. im not exactly in heaven or hell, but some secret third thing that still drives you insane the more you spend time there, almost as if i was breathing in some kind of pathogen in the air that fills my lungs and changes my brain chemistry. never fully in euphoria (but kept at the cusp of it) and never fully being burnt alive (but i still feel like im dissolving). i think that's where im at today
i really am growing up man.. it's for the better though. i find myself having a will to live even through the hard or painful stuff im going through and i think that says a lot about my growth as a person. it's still weird knowing im an adult but i finally feel like im gonna live a pretty long life and do cool stuff and live to the fullest. things aren't easy but im not destroying myself as much these days. idk.. i wanna live, i wanna grow and i wanna change and be the best version of myself and embody what my best looks like. i still have my ups and downs and painful moments like anyone else but it's been getting easier slowly. life isnt perfect now but comparing it to how i used to be, it's tons better now even if i have my spirals. im so different and im learning that it's okay to let go of old patterns and interests and habits. it's okay to shed old versions of yourself while still being able to look back and feel some kind of nostalgia when holding those old versions of you close to yourself. we are meant to evolve and change and im just finding myself now.
i just want to feel something other than what im feeling
life has changed for me and with it i have changed as a person too. im not really the definition of emptygod anymore, i dont really have a definition at all. im changing every day whether i see it or not. im not the same as i was when i was 14 and i wont be the same person in a month from now. always releasing old versions of myself like a snake shedding skin, letting time eat it away. not that it's bad, but it makes me realize that more time has passed than i thought, and that's kind of scary. it's scary releasing old habits and behaviors but i must in order to become better and healthier.
sometimes being smart doesnt mean being able to build machines out of nothing and be a human calculator. sometimes it means that you're empathetic and kind and aware of yourself and the world around you and it's taken me a long time to understand that intelligence comes in all kinds of different forms
why is the DMV so BUSY oh my god when i asked how long some people were there earlier i straight up left and cancelled my appointment. thank god there was an appointment slot for tomorrow too but getting my ID should not be this hard..
ive been doing a lot of keeping to myself. im going through a lot of spiritual and emotional/mental growth and its been overwhelming but not in a bad way. im going through a personal breakthrough and its hard to put into words but i just know that im starting to become the best version of myself that im meant to be and its been very empowering.
i feel so disconnected from this site but i dont know how to change it or if i want to start over. this site has meant a lot to me growing up and has helped me a lot, but i feel like it's no longer a true reflection of myself. im not actually good at html and i have no clue what to do or how i would rebuild anything. maybe i just need to wait and see where i personally go as an individual and give it some more time..
i wanna tear myself apart knowing the things ive done as a more immature version of myself that i wont be able to change. i feel so gutted and ashamed and there's nothing i can do about it. the ache of regret still shattered in my skull swept beneath false hopes and dreams that never come true, swept beneath a hope that god is listening. nobody can hold my hand through this except myself but my back hurts and i dont want to keep walking the miles only to get the taste of sunlight off of knives. i still smell my blood and taste the tears that broke through. i still have a long way to go.
im something better than what i used to be. im living too much in the past and the future and not paying enough attention to the present, always sinking deep in guilt and regret and trauma and the fear of the future has me in a headlock.
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