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i feel very calm right now. i stayed home yesterday and today from school. ive been battling an awful cold that's fucked me up in multiple ways. but besides that, the atmosphere of everything right now is oddly surreal. it's about to rain, the sky is darkening. im the only one upstairs. i have the fan on me, and the background noise is relaxing. little to no lights are on right now. it just feels so nice to have a quiet moment of this peace to myself.


im doing okay. still getting over this cold. it has an intense grip on me lmfao and it has been hard to sleep sometimes. im excited for easter, mainly because im gonna get a bunch of my favorite food/candy and all that. but i plan on going to spend time with blu next week despite the fact that im sick. i should be a bit better by then i hope. well, besides that, obviously april vacation has started. i need to do some homework but it shouldnt be a big deal. thats kind of where im at right now :)


ive stopped having those flashbacks i was having earlier this year. they stopped a while ago, and havent come back. i find myself less connected to early 2020 than i ever have. i still think about it from time to time, and it's still a part of me and my past, but it's something i can keep in the past. i am a new person. i feel freed of that time now. my life is far from perfect or great right now, but is better than where i was back then. im proud of the progress ive made.

anyways, time for another famous emptygod journal wipe. just to keep things clean as usual.


23 years. i hope the families of the victims on this day are well, that those who have passed are at peace, and the injured survivors have healed.


am i still family to you?


i will sit here and wait for you to return. no matter how long it takes, whether it be another long 8 months, 8 years or countless centuries, i will sit here and wait for you to return.


im tired. not surprising, i know. im trying to go back into my mindset that i had last year, exactly last year, and how depression was at its lowest. i wish i hadn't wished for my depression back. i wanted to feel something, because i felt like i was nothing without my depression, and now i want to go back to not feeling anything. i wouldnt say i was exactly numb, i would say i was.. adjusting? i had been out of school for months due to long distance learning and i needed that stimulation. i got things done pretty well once i returned. unfortunately, my spring break wasnt that long to give me that same effect. im trying. at least the school year is closing in slowly. not much longer now.


i have been trying to let go of what me and blu had. thing is, i feel like i cannot because in my head it's like we're still together. i have become so attached and so loyal, that it's been extremely hard to think of myself with anyone else. there is a person i have had my eyes on and off for months, not sure what to think or what i feel towards them. i feel guilty about it. i just cannot let go. i know i will eventually, but it's been almost a year. i wish i could heal faster.


for the most part, today was okay. except for the end of my school day, but hey, it's over. tomorrow is a new day, hopefully it will be better.


im gonna be honest with y'all. despite being stressed with school and having a lot to focus on concerning that part of my life, im healing and moving on from my past with blu more than i ever have. i feel better than i have in previous months, especially now that this school year is coming to a close in a month. it's not perfect, but things have shifted for me somehow, and it feels good. :)


i wish this eternal hollowness would close up. i guess we cannot have everything we want.

im starting to think im not over everything i want to be over with in my thoughts. i dont think ive healed


i definitely havent healed. i wish i was right. in some parts i am, im different than how i was when it all began between me and blu and how we fell apart. im different now, but it has always hurt.


nothing is okay right now.


i guess i havent had much to say. doodling and writing in my physical journal has kept me busy, as well as the disconnected flow of reality letting me float along my life as the days go by. im not really here right now, in my mind or body.


my life is far from interesting. in fact, it's very boring. as anyone else does in this world, i have my better moments and more interestingly filled places of time. but as a whole? it's been quite the ride for such a short lifespan physically. mentally and spiritually, i've been here for decades. i have experienced some of the worst things, at least to me. my life goes on as usual, as it always has and will continue to do so even after death. i suppose i cannot pinpoint anything exciting or worth mentioning. life goes on painfully slow. maybe as this body grows older, there will be new stories to tell. but as of now.. well, i can only speak from spirit to say anything somewhat worth telling the world.


all of my poems as of recently have been super short, only a couple of lines long sometimes. it's frustrating because i want to continue my thoughts, but i cannot find out anything to add on. ive written some more in my physical journal, maybe I'll get to updating my poetry page. im feeling picky about what i put in there.. so we'll see.


another thursday school night.. i dont have much to say for now. i guess im glad it's almost the weekend, and that school is ending very soon.


ah, back to school for the week unfortunately. thankfully friday is a shorter day, and the days seem to be going by a bit faster. cant believe may is almost over already.


im going to the doctors on friday, so i have no school entirely that day. not a lot of interesting things have been happening to write about.


im not sure why i feel everything so intensely. i hate it sometimes. everything i experience is a blessing and a curse


i dont believe people should be bound to another person. i dont understand what people see in wanting people around them.

yeah. i am angry after all. i think if you know me at the very slightest, you would know why. but i feel like i hold up a strange image of myself everywhere i go and with every person i come in contact with. im always a different person, like i cannot show my real face. i dont think i should. i wonder if those closest to me know my true figure. i dont think i know myself at the very slightest.


i just got this week and next week to go through! and then it's summer vacation.. for the most part lol. might be doing summer school for almost 2 weeks but hey, that's fine. i'll be okay.


as usual im tired, floating along, getting through the things i need to do slowly. not much to be talked about. feeling disconnected from myself and surroundings, but that's not new.

ive been doing some reflecting (as i always do lol) on the past i had with blu. oh boy oh boy yes it's them again. i find myself mourning over our past from time to time but it feels less intense. a lot of healing has been made and i am very proud of myself for coming this far. it took almost a year to heal, but here we are. i love them as a best friend who i hold very closely. not every part of me is healed, but the majority of it is, and it is something i am thankful for. the emptiness lingers, but it's for reasons a little bit different than when i originally felt it when it came to blu. it's similar. i felt gutted and hollow. concerning them, i feel complete and whole again, but i think i will always feel the hollow feelings that will live with me.


why do i hurt everyone i come in contact with

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i was just being dramatic earlier. typical emptygod behavior in their natural habitat


i was hoping that signing up for this guitar class months ago would inspire me to do something with myself. i was hoping i could do something by now. but i know i have disappointed my teacher and i am disappointed in myself. i wanted to do something good, pick up a guitar again and really get into it. but it's just the same cycle.. and ive gotten nowhere. ive done barely anything for months. i just wish i could have the energy to stick to things, to try new things.. but i dont. it's so hard for me to do anything and it's frustrating. i dont understand why im like this.


sometimes i think about changing something about this site. maybe it's making the code a little neater, organizing a bit more.. small things like that. but i dont think i care too much anymore, because this site was (and still is) meant to be a reflection of myself, to try to break down the abstract nature of my thoughts into something i can look at. nothing is perfect. im not perfect, and this site is not either.


I have a lot of time on my hands. I sit here and do nothing for most of the day. it's not like I have anything better to do. it allows me to think carefully about my thoughts, however, as I am trapped in my mind with all of these feelings and memories. it allows for the randomness of sentences and ideas to flow in with no warning.


im not sure what this summer is gonna look like. i know vacation has just begun, but ive told myself i was going to do all of these great things and catch up on what i want to learn in my own time. i havent done much. it's felt nice, but boredom has set in. we'll see what happens.. maybe it will be good for me to not do much like i had once wanted to.


im angry at the amount of loss i have had in my life. lost moments, lost opportunities, people lost to time. i am destroyed by loss more than anyone else should be. i have lost too much in the short time i have had living in this body. i was cursed and there is nothing to reverse it.


just for my own peace of mind, i know a lot of ppl are gonna read "misogamist" in my about me page as "misogynist". no, i do not hate women. misogamy is being against marriage. that's all lol

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