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⸸ - JOURNAL - ⸸

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11/6/20

STARTING OVER WITH MY JOURNAL.

the way ashley glared at me when I just said hi to her as she passed where I was sitting in the study hall.. my god, I've never seen anything like that in her. it was terrifying, I felt so much. it broke my heart, and still does. all I wanted was to help her, and maybe if I could've then maybe this wouldn't be happening. was it apathy, depression, the numbness, anger? everything and nothing all at once? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't help you. I'm sorry you fucking hate me so much. all I wanted was to be friends. I miss you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

it feels so good to have let go of all of my old entries on here.

gonna update and tweak/fix more on the site later.

actually, probably gonna continue to do a bit more here and there.

it's almost done. ALMOST. I still got a few more pages to update. it will not take too much longer. then, I plan to redo my about me for the 100th time sometime during the weekend, or sometime soon anyway. it feels very refreshing to have a slightly better layout, to have it the way I want it (almost) and to start over with my journal. I feel good.

right.. I think that's enough for tonight. might edit more later, who knows. I'm a bit tired now.

I feel really bad, my school friend S has been getting me gifts for christmas for the past 2-3 years now, which is incredibly kind of her. I never give her much in return, maybe a drawing, cause I'm never sure what I can do financially, and I'm not really sure what she would like. I'm not selfish, I just.. fuck. I feel so bad.

you know what really pisses me off? not being in the right body. not being treated correctly. sometimes I do hate this life.

11/7/20

I truly do feel so refreshed and so happy to have this site set up a bit differently. it's not quite what I wanted but I do not have a lot of skill with HTML stuff, but I appreciate those who expressed wanting to help me!

not much has happened today. calm, relaxing, yes a bit boring but it's what I like.

11/8/20

sometimes I feel like my every thought and every movement is being recorded and documented or at least watched by something or someone, no matter where I am it always seems to be that way. this feeling has happened before, however I notice it more and more. with how detached i am from "myself" and "the world around me", it has been getting harder to interact. I blame social anxiety for this too, though I'm not as focused as I used to be (due to mental health, focus issues are a problem since 2018 or something). I can stand texting new people or people I don't know online, it's always been easier. talking to people in person has been a challenge for me even when I was younger. I can sort of do it in person but due to trauma and shit, I've gotten quieter and more distant from potential friends. my grandma says it's unfair that I don't give new people a chance. you know what's unfair? life. you know what's unfair? the torment I've been through, and don't say it's my fault cause I wouldn't want to wish this upon myself or anyone. I don't talk because I don't know how. I don't talk because I'm more of an observer. oh, I really wish this kid would LEAVE ME ALONE. we'll call him N. N is so creepy, trying to get me to be his "friend", pretty sure he had some weird ass feelings for me and we barely know each other, I think called me hot (it's a compliment to some but I am taken and it freaked me out a bit). I tried getting away from him for a while and it worked. tried getting into my personal business as I was writing before class started. it's none of your business. I want to be left alone. it's not for you. shut up.

N, I know you told me that you call your parents terrible things and I know it is considered "tame" for me to have said that once I simply stated I hated my grandparents. you don't realize how hard it was for me to do that and look back on it. you don't realize what I've been through to do that. you don't realize what fucking shit I went through that day to say that to them. how are you so heartless, so cold? I should really be asking myself this, but only half of me is "cold". I don't see a soul in you. maybe this is just how it appears on the surface, maybe there is something deeper within, maybe there is hurt. but I don't want to waste my time with you. I don't want to waste my time unravelling you, your story, what is within, IF there is anything within. cause why would I want to? it seems that you have a hard outer shell that is not easily crackable. I've taken glimpses and peaks to what could be, but there is no use in going through the many lanes of something that at the end was not worth the journey I spent. I like getting to know people, but you? I don't know about you. you seem like my old abusive and manipulative "best friend" I was tricked into believing we were friends for at least 7 years. I don't wish to get close. you seem familiar like her. I don't want to deal with her again, even if you aren't like her, even if your name isnt hers, this is why I don't want to get to know you. I sense too much of her in you.

--- --- ---

tangled deep within a maze of regret

is the essence of my soul, my being.

it's not quite beautiful, but not quite evil.

I sense when something is not right, but I give in too easily.

I should know better, I cannot be like those oblivious and naive children I walk beside.

but my soul is not as old as I thought, I am still a child.

I can't return to what I once knew, and I wonder what causes the monsters I look at.

I check back to my soul and sometimes I wonder if the same monster resides within me.

why waste your energy and life away by being a terrible person?

isnt "terrible" subjective? at least most of life is.

I could be "bad", I could not be.

I need to be more aware.

--- --- ---

sometimes it doesn't feel like I have scars. I'm just constantly bleeding out.

11/9/20

a covid case was sent out to me last night from a school staff person so now I am apparently going to be out this week. :/

actually just being out today lol.

gonna start separating my poems from my other thoughts or general stuff, to keep it neat.

--- --- ---

it's an empty thought full of everything and nothing all at once

the thought of a forced exctinct plan, one that is not supposed to surface

but deep down, the fire still burns away at my flesh for the world to see

I perish quietly.

--- --- ---

I still search for that word that is like the mix of nothingness, rage, and love all at once. but the nothingness is just pure void. but the rage is so much more than that. and the love is the brightest light in the world. I wonder if there is a word for this.

11/10/20

I feel so inconsiderate for the smallest of things, for the smallest of mistakes. I feel so invasive or cringe when I try to talk to other people and it makes me kinda sad. I wish I haven't been over thinking the littlest of things like this.

I'm becoming so scared of reaching out to new people now. but I keep doing it. I don't know. I feel weird. I don't want trouble with the wrong people if it comes to that.

11/11/20

make a wish it's 11/11. i wish that stuff was real. id wish for this mess to be over so i could be with my partner.

i hope im just sad and not falling into depression again

11/12/20

i dont know how much more of this covid bullshit i can take. i dont wanna live through this anymore.

11/13/20

happy friday the 13th!

so, I sent a vent animation work in progress to my gym teacher since we have a pretty good relationship and all that. I didn't see anything too graphic with the video (there isnt really anything) and apparently she had reported it to the counselor at my school that I regularly see. apparently they had been trying to get me to go down there to talk to them but I had no idea. I came home to my grandma on the phone with my counselor. so yeah, the school definitely has a close eye on me.

11/14/20

why cant toxic people leave me alone?

11/15/20

I crave you and your voice, your soul and how you'd look at me with those eyes I miss dearly. I miss your presence and not knowingly being wrapped and sealed in it forever. I miss having you close to me. I long for you, we are so close yet so far. I miss laughing with you until I couldn't breathe, or how you'd listen to me, or how you'd comment on the drawings I showed you. I wish covid could go away so I could be with you. I miss you.

I don't know how much of this I can take.

11/16/20

wow i like how i just go in here to say i dont know how much i can take. sorry about that jfc, life has not been pretty lol

11/19/20

I miss you so much. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and constantly tired. I just miss you. I don't want to spiral again.

11/20/20

I wish you knew all of those nights and mornings where I had cried because I couldn't get up or couldn't go to sleep. I wish you knew the agony I have been in for the past 4 years. a never ending battle between me and my mind, between life and death. I wish you knew those times where I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I wish you understood. why are you invalidating me, assuming I am only "thinking" this up? why would I wish this upon myself?

I like imagining how beautiful your eyes would sparkle underneath the cold winter moonlight. is it cliche and cheesy? absolutely. but I miss you and your beautiful, powerful soul standing next to me.

honestly, I kind of miss having my room to myself late at night, just me with my laptop and the glow of my light up keyboard. just me scrolling through the web peacefully without a disturbance. just me comfortably laying on my bed without harsh worries.

11/21/20

I'm always afraid of home invasion. always. it's always the fear of being shot. it's always the fear of not getting those last goodbyes. it's the fear of being disabled for life. it's always the fear of being shot.. shot.. shot.. over and over. not being able to get up.

11/22/20

I miss listening to Crystal Castles and Mr.Kitty late at night, around 1-3 AM on the summer nights of where I couldn't sleep.

I had some strange dreams last night, one of which was I remember being at one of my ex's houses. it was their bday I think. they were out of their room for a little bit, and I decided to check out what was on their computer. I felt weird and creepy so I got off of it, hoping they wouldn't notice. I went outside to my grandparents where they were sitting outside on the porch. it was a really nice day with green trees surrounding us and a soft breeze, the birds chirping.. the typical spring or early summer day. I think I told them that we should go soon cause it was hard to be around them?? idk. something like that. I've been thinking about that specific ex. we're on ok terms now and have been for a few months, it just brings back too much.

reality is a dangerous place, but you make me feel safe. I used to think love was a danger. but I see love in you, you ARE love, and you aren't dangerous. I trust you with everything I have.

thinking about picking up my guitar to practice more, it's something I wanna learn for sure.. mmmm I have been too low energy for most of this year but this is something I want to learn. I think I'll do it soon. maybe this week, I am on vacation after all.

11/23/20

I feel incredibly small. like barely anyone appreciates my work. my TRUE work, my TRUE passion.. it lays in my art. I've been working my hardest on it. I just want to be good enough. I wanna be like the people I look up to.

I look down at myself and realize I am trapped in this body, this soul and mind. my physical body is not fluid, I can't do what I wish. god, human bodies are so restricting. dear lord I wanna come back to reality. but if i come back, i could be put in great danger. but I want my memory to be fixed, I want to feel ALIVE. I don't wanna be a walking corpse anymore. I'm starting to confuse and scare myself.

11/24/20

when I was 10 I discovered I could be potentially depressed. ever since then, life has been a living hell. could I even call it that? I remember when I was 11 it was settling in. I could function. but I was sad and anxious. I remember the first time I hurt myself, going to the counselor about it. one tiny scratch scared me. but little did I know it would be the long, long spiral leading up to my current problems and bad habits. it feels like forever ago, but in reality a couple of years isn't truly long, I guess.

11/25/20

I notice myself becoming more aware of my surroundings at night. I'm still disconnected and I feel like I'm floating and all that, but I'm always nervous of that potential danger.

whenever I look down at my hands or look at myself in the mirror as of recently, I tend to question if it is really me and my body.

11/26/20

what am I doing up..??? it's 1 AM again!!

I've been considering asking for therapy or meds but I'm strictly against that and idk why I am going against myself. aahhh, maybe this really is getting to be too much for me huh? I've slipped out of my body and I am floating away, weee... it's not as fun as you'd think.

fuck meds fuck therapy i dont need it. ill come back. ill come back!! ill come back some day!! I have to!!

maybe I am going to spend the rest of my life like this, watching it all play in front of this screen, watching one scene move from another. it all feels incredibly slow and incredibly fast all at once. but i wanna be here, i wanna be here. i want to be here.

11/27/20

it's weird to think how soon my bday is coming up again. it's weird to think about. it's weird to think how fast time went by and how slow it's going all at once. isn't it weird? 2020 went by so fast but so slowly as well. I think the last few months starting in September definitely made me feel this way, that everything is slowing down and speeding up at the same time.

thank you for 10k views! :D

I was going to write something but my head feels weird. so idk. i'll write later.

I feel incredibly sick at how my life has been, my decisions and choices, what I've said and done. the people I've hung out with. the people who have destroyed me. vile. it's vile.

I think I have enough interaction with people, I don't feel the need to contact anyone. anyone can contact me but I feel weird now reaching out to new people. idk why. just the fear of coming in contact with the wrong person or being a disturbance I suppose. it would be nice if I were to be more social. oh well.

I don't know how my grandma could go to her job, knowing that the people she cares for there got the virus, knowing that my grandpa already has existing health issues. what the fuck is your problem.

11/28/20

I reached out to my counselor from school last night to tell her what has been going on with me being disconnected. the same lady that had to evaluated me in February (due to a long ass story) is gonna hopefully be the one that is gonna help me again.

I wonder, sometimes, how a person like me could have so much love and hatred mixed in themselves. how could I love again with all this hate, but how could I hate again with all this love?

it's not like I want to hate..? it's more like hatred chose me. ironically I hate and love it. hating the hatred. I try not to be one with it. I try to be neutral, or somewhat positive on the inside. I remember days where the two sides of my inner purity and absolute hate pulled me apart. it was a conflict I've never felt before. I still feel it occasionally, and I would rather not.

I'm concerned that my romantic relationship is gonna go to shit, just like how me and ashley went down. she stopped talking to me gradually and ghosted me! asshole. it wasn't her fault entirely. still. I don't wanna lose this partner, this best friend. it's not like they don't talk to me at all, but they have been starting to get more quiet and I'm scared. I sound so clingy don't i. yeah yeah, whatever, im sorry i cant help it. im genuinely concerned that this is how ill lose this partner of mine as well.

11/29/20

I wouldn't say I am doing good or bad, I think I am existing to the bare minimum of all of this. it's been fine. hopefully sometime today or tomorrow I'll get some news back from my counselor saying what is gonna be done.

also, I believe I've talked about this before, maybe it was in one of my physical journals but I don't remember. I feel incredibly weird that in school there are so many cameras watching us. there are so many. so many. I already feel like I am being watched sometimes, doesn't help. I know it's for safety and all that, but.. idk.

I feel like I am being watched again, I feel the two sides of me collapsing inside, FUCK

I feel sick again. in the head, heart and soul.

im not a bad person i swear. im troubled. im FUCKED. and i want out of my head. i dont wanna die, i just wanna be in a better place mentally and emotionally.

oh god im terrified im gonna spiral again. fuck fuck fuck im terrified.

im not supposed to feel this way, no human is supposed to feel this amount of burning hatred and passionate love all at once. it's impossible. why do I feel it then. why is it destroying me on the inside all over again. I'm not built for this, no one is.

how are you supposed to get rid of the sickness, if the sickness is YOU? if it is your entire being, your core.. even after death, if you were born and created from the very sickness that the universe shaped you from, is there any way to free yourself?

I've been through insanity and back. I've been through madness and back. through hell. everything and anything. don't you tell me I haven't had a hard life, you don't know shit about what "hard" means. you don't know the shit I've seen.

im tired.

11/30/20

good morning, I have online classes starting soon which I'm not thrilled about. intrusive thoughts are at a minimum. I hope to keep it that way.

intrusive thoughts have been getting a little more intense again. it's probably gonna fuck me up. anyways, I have my meeting with my counselor today, I'm nervous and excited for it. may or may not talk about it, but it's happening. thank god.

the meeting was fine, but it left me feeling lost and hopeless, with the things they said it didn't really help me. in a nutshell, they said that they're not surprised I feel this way and with my past trauma and how the world is, they're not surprised that this is happening. (they as in my counselor and another psychologist im familiar with). when will this nightmare end..?

I think after my birthday I'm gonna add my name and age to my about me.

wow I'm hearing voices again! hopefully they'll go away. I'm pretty sure they will.

12/1/20

time is ticking by, so fast and so slow. it feels like yesterday when this year began, I'm so glad it's nearly over. I don't know why I want to keep some parts of 2020 to myself to keep, it was truly one of the hardest years I've had. I don't know why I do this. maybe it's cause I have a hard time accepting and letting go of the past.

I'm fearful of falling behind in school again. I can feel it's gonna happen. maybe briefly, but still.. not good.

I hate what I've become, I'm afraid of what I'm becoming.

--- --- ---

it's not like I want to, more like I am guided to becoming something worse

this is not the fate I had once dreamt of, nor something I desired

the dark tides pull me in. futher, further, futher under

I tried to let go, but all light fades out

drowning.

--- --- ---

concerning my intrusive thoughts I think I am doing a little bit better. yes, I am emotionally and mentally a wreck still, but I think I am starting to calm down more.

12/2/20

all gone. my intrusive thoughts are gone. at least the emotional stuff attached to it. im doing not exactly good or bad. honestly trying to not feel too much of either of anything at the moment to keep myself from tipping over.

12/3/20

I hate seeing people waste their lives. you may ask, well why does it bother you so much? it's not that it bothers me personally. I just feel bad, I guess. lost potential. it's happened to me way too much.

12/4/20

so, to try to be a little more social, I've been trying to text this girl I haven't talked to in a few years due to her moving and all that. we have a similar interest in true crime and art, so I decided to email her. I don't know if it's the way she texts or if she is not interested in me, but something makes me feel like she doesn't want to talk. ouch, I guess.

for some reason, I've been talking to my grandma a lot more today. just random things on my mind. it feels good. I wish I did it more.

I'm excited and nervous for my birthday. excited cause, yknow, all of the typical birthday stuff. but also nervous cause I'm letting go of something again, my age. so much happened in the past year, a lot of negative things to be honest, idk why I still hold on to my negative and horrible past. but hey, it will be good to move on, it's inevitable anyways.

12/7/20

it's 3 AM again, I can't go back to sleep due to the following: I'm thinking of my birthday, I have 2 blink-182 songs alternating in my head (been listening to them more. I know the first song is I miss you and the second is first date but I could be wrong), feeling a little anxious cause my alarm was fucked up due to a small power outage we had a few days ago and I don't wanna miss classes (hour and minutes are screwed up, I really need to learn how to fix it on my own tbh) and the thought of my partner is keeping me up (in a good way). so yeah. there's a bit on my mind. nothing too bad.

I managed to escape online classes a little earlier. not like I wanted to but out of my mental/emotional well being. can't focus anyways. god knows what it will be like tomorrow. I will be so unfocused. ugh.

today was ok. tomorrow is coming faster and faster. I just need to let go of the past. this past year has been so bad.

12/8/20

I'm 15 today! and I feel really good. probably the best I have been feeling in some time. a happiness I can't quite explain. maybe this is just some birthday feelings passing me by, but I hope this state of being this calm stays longer. if it doesn't, I'll cherish this.

12/10/20

I had some strange dreams I know I had but I can't remember them at all. actually wait I remember one now. very vaguely, I remember me running up the sidewalk that's close to the track/football field in my actual school with a friend of mine, I remember her talking about how much of a good friend I was and how she would miss me and how much she worried about me. I don't know what I did, I remember some sort of gun (maybe a glock) on my belt, which I'm assuming was some sort of, yknow, THAT kind of situation again. I could be wrong. I remember the police and for some reason my gym teacher looking for me cause they had some sort of device that was gonna kill me. like some sorta death ray shit. I was really upset and I remember I could handle going to jail but didn't want to die. I think they ended up killing me anyways.

I'm doing fine, that was super weird however.

feeling dysphoric. feeling off. feeling low energy. feeling like I wanna skip school tomorrow. might as well.

I don't wanna start doubting your love, your light, your energy that brought me back to life. I don't wanna have it slip away, I hope this is me feeling down. I don't want to let go of you.

12/11/20

sometimes I really want to make the biggest scar on the world, sometimes I want to yell at the universe for shaping me the way I am. sometimes I wish I could see how it would all end, I wish I could see the future.

I really want to show this universe a piece of my mind and a piece of my faltered heart and soul, entwined with so much I can't bring myself to say. the burning flames of it all.. the pain of having to carry this. it's nothing I would want to wish upon anybody.

I realized I made it through school! didn't skip anything. well, that's one good thing that I did today right? on the other hand we're going back to physical school in a month. ughhh, we were supposed to come back next week. I wouldn't be surprised if our date to come back is pushed back until the spring. suuucksss big timmeeeee. I have hope that this is gonna go by quick. it's been going by quick for me. sometimes time moves slower, sometimes faster. weird how it does that. so yeah, not happy about that, but I guess some extra time home wont be bad. feeling low energy as of recently.

something weird that often comes in my dreams is that me doing something and not knowing what it was and me feeling fearful of it.

completely irrelevant but my love for mountain dew will never die lmao

I feel like I did something awful that I can't take back and I don't know why.

12/12/20

I'm waiting for someone to email me for no reason. I'm bored. kind of sad too I guess. idk.

I wish I could drive. I wanna get out a little tonight for no reason.

even though it's the weekend I'm dreading waking up tomorrow for no reason. maybe I'll waste the day being asleep.

12/14/20

I put up the Christmas tree with my grandma yesterday afternoon. of course, my dumbass cats keep chewing on the branches. which yes, it's annoying as hell. it's not a real tree so it's not a big deal. anyways, with the tree up, it feels kind of oddly peaceful in the living room. I don't want much this year. I don't have a lot of interests. I really want the book Sue Klebold wrote about Dylan, but knowing my grandparents.. yeah. not happening. I'm not a big reader but it might be interesting to read, who knows. what I want this year is for 2020 to be over, to return to normal life and to finally see my partner. I miss them like fuckin crazy. that's all. I don't need some gifts under the tree. I'm just glad to still be here after spending the whole year thinking that I wouldn't be alive before I turned 15. that's it.

it's snowing a little bit over where I live, it's pretty. bet it's cold. I've been meaning to go outside for weeks but haven't gotten to it.

I hope to pick up my guitar again, I just haven't been in a good headspace to start trying to learn chords.

12/15/20

I'm supposed to be in class, but I fell asleep for a few hours and here we are.

I've been thinking about my childhood a lot and how I've changed. how innocent and playful I was. a shy kid, but willing to do things and have fun. I wish I could go back. it was simpler.

12/16/20

I wanna sleep and eat and do nothing. I don't wanna worry about grades anymore. fuck that.

12/18/20

something aches deep in me and I don't know why or what. something just h u r t s .

12/19/20

my dreams are so vivid and realistic. I think they always have been and it can be interesting but when it's in the wrong setting it can mess me up for a while. like a violent setting, something disturbing at least.

12/20/20

I hate my thought processes sometimes.

12/21/20

I feel so oddly calm. maybe I am convincing myself that I am. but I hope it's real. an ethereal feeling.

floaty. that's how I feel. just floating in the universe, my soul is floating in nothingness but it's floating in something at the same time. coming in and out of this realm. just existing. existing as one million things at a time. things I was in past lives and things I never will be. my personal timeline. we all have one.

I'm existing. of course I am, isn't it silly to think that after so long? I've been so dissociated, even now I am, but I am existing somewhere. this isn't me thinking stuff up. I do feel as if I am existing somewhere. I don't know exactly where. it's a spiritual feeling I have.

12/22/20

good morning. I don't know what I wanted to write in particular. I really don't. I guess I dread the school day that's coming juuust a bit. but tomorrow is an early release day and then I am on winter break so I am looking forward to that. I also have a shortened day due to the fact I'd have a study hall at the end of today and there is no true google meet for that. I know I'm gonna end up getting distracted like always. recently I've remade my tumblr account and I've been on there a lot. it's an interesting place to say the least.

I'm thinking about making a shrine page and I have been for a while. maybe I am underestimating the neocities space limit for those who aren't supporters. I've been trying to save as much space as I can for my journal tbh, as it's a big stress relief thing for me.

I'm in my civics class, doing a really important test. I haven't been paying attention all that well for the past week or so. it's not that I am not interested, but it's hard for me to keep up and understand what all of the things we are learning about mean. I really like this teacher but I suck at his class. I hope I am not disappointing him, but I wont be surprised if he is disappointed in me.

I was let go earlier than expected! nice. well my teacher let the students go after they finished the test. I finished a while ago. it wasn't perfect but I tried. I'm chilling now. I feel okay I suppose, there's not much else I can update on right now.

12/23/20

after today I am finally on break. I'm really excited :) tomorrow my partner gets to call me after a whole month of having no calls with them. not their fault, they've been very busy is all so it's been hard for them. then, of course, Christmas. honestly idk what to expect this year cause I didn't ask for a lot but whatever happens happens! and whatever doesn't doesn't. not a big deal.

AAANDDD IM OUT FOR BREAK!! HELL YEAH!! :D

12/24/20

their love is the best high I've ever felt. better than the high i get off of seeing myself bleed and better than anything else that has ever happened to me.

Christmas eve night. I feel good again. calm, relaxed, happy. the kinds of things I wish I could feel more often. I can't believe it's Christmas again. it feels like 2020 just began. I'm glad it's almost over. I'm so glad 2020 is almost over. I know we all are happy it's over. but I wanna move on. as I edit this I realize something, 2020 was full of life lessons and hardships that were important. painfully important and I went through a lot of suffering. but with knowledge comes a backstory of suffering, wisdom is not gained over night.

and actually 2020 was the year I realized I had feelings for my current partner. it creeped up on me suddenly, this feeling I had not felt in a long time. then it disappeared. then it came back. over and over again. of course in the span of many, many months. however, when September hit, I knew it was love. I know I said so many terrible things about love but I was in an awful place and much more than just an awful place. but it was the year of so much change. internally, externally, everywhere.

I wish you all a happy holiday season, whatever you celebrate I hope you celebrate it in peace and full of joy.

12/26/20

I'm so frustrated. I wish I could write or draw how I feel but I can't. I'm not motivated enough.

I think my intrusive thoughts are gone, maybe for now at least, and I hope they don't come back. I'll enjoy this peace. it's all I can do.

12/27/20

I regret a lot of things, but there's nothing I can do.

12/28/20

I've been hearing voices since early 2018. it's not a big surprise that I hear voices with really distinct personalities as of then, but they have multiplied over the years. some have come, some have gone. some have stayed, etc. I don't hear them too much. what I do hear is the asshole voices time to time. the ones that tell me that people dont love me, nothing matters, all that. idk why I have been hearing them recently. I'm trying to get them out of my head right now. it sucks.

12/29/20

i look up at the stars and think of one of my long distance friends and this conversation we had about how he can't see the stars where he is cause of the air pollution and how he wants to see them. I always think of him when I see the stars. I love him a lot. so much. I always think of how he'd love to look up at the stars and moon with me. I promise we will one day. ⭐

I'm nervous for it to cross over into January very soon, just cause of how many terrible memories I have linked to it, especially last year/the beginning of this year. I was so messed up and at a dangerously high suicide risk. I'm scared it will be like that again.

--- --- ---

I remember how cold it was

pressed up against your passion

in the january night.

I didn't wanna run away or wake up

I wanna return to you

where the stars aligned.

--- --- ---

12/30/20

as I was getting up this morning, when I was adjusting my jacket and about to grab the door knob to go upstairs, I heard a male voice whisper "let me out" near me. it's not the first time stuff like this has happened. im sure it was cause I was still not really awake. it could've been anything, or a hallucination, but whatever it was I can't stop thinking about it. kinda weird. but other than that, I've been having a lazy last few days of 2020 and I'm trying not to worry about too much. I'm trying to take it easy.

maaannn.. nothing is getting me "high" anymore. not seeing my own blood, not the fizzling on the back of my throat from mountain dew.. idk what's up with my head.

I spend so much of my time trying to find something to do, something to talk about, something to see and feel. I spend so much of my time holding onto past trauma and shit. I spend so much of my time festering in my own blood and anguish, and somehow it seems to be so silent. how could that be so silent to others? I'm digging at the pavement underneath with my bare hands. it's still a struggle.

actually I've been thinking and thinking, realizing something a few days ago. we are living under the universe, aka our god. for context, yes I do not believe in god as a being but as our whole universe. anyways, we're living under a god and we're like demigods or something like that. like we can do what we want, almost. and so little time to do it. the decision to do or to not to do something is up to us. we are lesser than this universe but we are conscious and lesser gods stuck in humanity. at least that is how I feel in my life and body!

I just got chills down my spine at the thought of death. it's so weird. one day someone is there and then the next they're not. it haunts me. so much haunts me.

12/31/20

new years eve. I never thought I'd be alive this long. ironic.

cold. I feel incredibly cold and haunted by something or someone. I feel like I was supposed to die January 30th 2020. I was gonna do it. but something kept me from it. more like someONE. might've been ashley when she still gave a shit bout me, idk. either that or I'm a pussy. probably both. but yeah. I'm still haunted by what happened January and February. idk if I really wanna talk about it here.

January 30th. maaaan. that day brings back a lot. a lot of pain that still lurks in the depths of my mind and soul. there's still so much lingering in me. I wonder if 2021 will be any different.

I feel lost. lost in this endless void. lost in time. lost in the pain of the past. lost in my own misery. if there is so much pain inside of me, why can't I feel it? I want to know where I am going next and why. life is unpredictable though. I wish I knew what was gonna happen next, but I never do, no one does and no one can tell me what's gonna happen next. I'm nervous of spiralling deep down into depression. I know if I did, I'd drop out of my online classes immediately because of how easy it is to not participate. not like I haven't done that before. mental health always collapses down on me hard in winter.

1/1/21

good morning, world. I'll probably go back to sleep eventually but I couldn't go back to sleep. it's 7 AM. ugh, tbh I hate being awake before 9 or 10 AM. anyways, I go back to school in a few days and I'm not thrilled. I'm nervous more than anything else. idk. I don't wanna go back.

it's not like it is all bad. I have my pets, some family and some friends. and my partner of course. I have good things in my life. idk why I am not completely happy. I guess the answer is the problems in my head that my grandparents don't believe in!

my intrusive thoughts physically sicken me. I thought I got rid of them.

1/3/21

I woke up later than I usually would. I got up for no reason. I have no reason to be awake.

1/4/21

I don't wanna be awake at this hour. fuck me, I guess, for having mental problems that keep me having low energy and making me want to sleep for more than 10 hours.

it's getting harder to do things again.

god I hate what I've become. I hate what this world has done to me. I hate it. I hate the inner fires that consume my being, confusing the actual good part of me.

1/6/20

ignorance. IGNORANCE. GOD. all I see is oblivious, naive children around me.. I do envy the innocence of some people. though I am awakened and have been at a young age, there is no going back, even if I tried. the world is a dangerous place. world peace is not possible. it's a cute idea, but it's not possible.

1/7/20

exhausted. that's all. I just want to feel something other than this.

1/11/21

[removed]

1/13/21

I'm bored, and nothing much has happened to write about. at least anything worth posting. I must say, I think I am gonna go to therapy again outside of school, but it's only because I want a diagnosis on what's happening to my brain and why I do the things I do. I'm still skeptical around people like that.

1/14/21

intrusive thoughts are gone?? am I free??

why the fuck would you ever want to have kids? that's fucking awful to bring innocent life into darkness, that's sickening. is there such thing as innocence and light anymore? a purpose to life? we are born here with no reason but to suffer. GOD (OUR UNIVERSE) IS CRUEL.

insensitive little bitches piss me off. foolishness is one thing but being a bitch is on YOU.

1/15/21

it's not that I want to die, it's that I don't know how long I can be without you and these crippling weights still existing.

1/16/21

intrusive thoughts are still here, laying around and waiting to come back. it's not fun and I wish it would go away.

1/18/21

moore intrusive thouughtss.. fuck offff.. thankss!! but they never do.

when I was younger, I was terrified of sleeping in my room, being in it or near it, etc. I always felt like I bothered something, and it was not happy with my presence. I felt like something was behind me or watching me. the feeling faded once I had started getting out my old toys and childish decorations when I was 10 or 12 or so. I still feel it but I blame it on existing mental health problems currently. before I got hit with my problems, I think it's spiritual. I'm not sure.

1/19/21

i feel kind of lifeless again. drained. g o n e .

1/20/21

I'm thinking about going back to school in person. this is probably not gonna end up too well, considering there are still COVID cases there and I am probably being a huge idiot. not to mention I also need to wind back my sleep schedule a good hour or 2 again. I don't know, I might go in a few weeks to a few months. was thinking around March or April. we'll see. my grandparents want me to go back but I've been too scared. mostly my mindset being all fucked up, like usual, and I am tired and all I want to do is sleep 99% of the time.

on another note, I'm thinking about using the thick journal/notebook my bio teacher gave me a few months back to write my nastiest and most terrible thoughts/secrets. ill probably end up covering it with my blue paint in the future, just like good ol times! (and then try to recover it with a strange vinegar and water solution.. to look back on the screwed up things I said.)

(there's a good chunk of one of my old sketchbooks with pages censored with blue paint because I was afraid of people finding out about my private things. I also ripped up my "scary blue journal", at least the beginnings of it and I remember burning a page or 2 last February. yknow, nothing is ever private, and it's why I usually don't write what I want to say online because I know someone is gonna be like "uh oh! this isnt cool!". anyways, the beginnings was my will and some notes to people i loved, and also things about me at the time. idk. i didnt want to go unheard. it's strange that I am still alive. I didn't think I'd live past January 30th, 2020. well, I didn't do anything on that date, but still. the feeling of my "death date" creeping up on me haunts me. it's weird that 10 days from now, it's gonna be that date again. I'm gonna be fine, I'm not gonna try to pull the plug, in fact I don't want to. it's probably gonna be a very sucky day at the most.)

sadly I have to sign off. grandpa said so. love you neocities, to the website itself and all of my neighbors. I cherish all of you.

1/21/21

when im older i wanna get a good amount of tattoos. one i really want is a flower bracelet going around my whole wrist. idk if i want rocky mountain columbines or corn flowers. I just wanna be covered in flowers.

I've been feeling bummed out about my art again. so many people are like "omg ur so talented" or "ur so good can u teach me??". you do not want to pick up my mistakes, style, anything. it's terrible and i hate it. im never gonna be as good as my inspirations. ill never be able to do it. ill never be able to do anything.

1/22/21

I'm looking back on the memories i have with ashley a little more positively for once. im glad i had the chance to meet her. im just sad that we actively ignore each other now.

1/23/21

I have projects due tomorrow (or soon at least) for school because of the new semester. I can't focus and stay on track again, it sucks. it's stuff I know I can do but my brain wont let me for some reason. I'm gonna see if I can get help from one of my friends or my partner.

Mr.Kitty is releasing something special on the 25th! it could be anything and I can't tell you how excited I am, whether it be another merch drop or something new to listen to. he is releasing his 2021 album "Unreal" somewhere around summer or fall, so I doubt it's that. but yeah.

on another hand I went to the Big Y with my grandpa and got some pizza. I felt like getting out of the house for a bit.

I don't know if I want to die. I don't think I want to. but I can't stand the pain I've been through, am going through, and what future do I have anyways? I'm going to be homeless, half alive, with nothing to live for in a few years anyways. I'm gonna be fucking dead on the streets, and my body will be run over by countless cars that you wouldn't be able to tell it was me. I don't want it to be that way but I fear it's gonna be the end of me. sad, right? I think so as well. I don't wanna die. but either way, I don't know where I am heading, in my own life and in the afterlife. I'd imagine myself as a ghost tied down to this earth, this awful place. I'd feel too attached to the people and places I held close to me to let go. I don't want to forget anything or anyone. not even this current life.

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