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names that are mentioned in my journal that need to be explained

⸸ - JOURNAL - ⸸

recent activity

8/23/23

im trying to get back into a good sleep schedule before my work program starts but it's so fucking hard bc all i want to do is sleep and i tried getting up a bit earlier today than i usually do and i feel like i didnt sleep at all even though i slept about 7 hours. fuck im just not going to get it in time. i have exactly a week left and i hate it. i never asked for this but my grandparents are making me go

i feel like everything in and outside of me is deteriorating and i just feel like a little sick child waiting to be picked up by someone they love. but nobody is coming for me.

8/25/23

i havent really seen my friends that much this summer since graduation. fuck depression. ugh

no pun intended, but the song dagger by slowdive is really a dagger through my heart. it reopens wounds for me.

8/26/23

i cant get to sleep on time to fix my sleep schedule before my work program so honestly im not even going to bother with it. i couldnt fall asleep until 3 AM a few nights ago as usual and when i tried waking up at 12 PM, i felt dead. so yeah. fuck that. im just going to wing it.

im not lonely at all but i feel so incredibly alone and i hate it

thinking about making a spotify playlist for this website. hmm

took some cringe off the journal again

i need something life changing to happen. i need it to be good and spiritual and i need something to change my life right now. i am begging for a miracle or something along those lines. i think i need my brain, heart and soul to have something more to grasp. something meaningful and something that i will never forget. i need it even for a moment.

finally i was able to see the moon tonight.

8/27/23

3 years of this site. it went by really fast and ive grown a lot as a person since ive created it. i appreciate the support ive gotten over the years and ive had fun being able to interact with people as well as reach as many people as i have. the impact that ive had on some people has really inspired me and im so glad that my words have had the impact that it has. it's pretty surreal to me and i dont think little 14 year old me would've thought that i would of kept up this site all this time later. it's been a real fun time seeing my growth personally as well as see the growth of my audience. ive seen quite a few people come and go at this point, but to those who have stayed with me (if any of you are still there), thank you. i dont think i have much else to say about this. you know i never know how to end my thoughts in entries by now.

miracles dont happen to me

8/28/23

my summer is coming to a close. it went by fast looking back on it, but it also felt painfully slow. fall is approaching and i wish that it would last longer because winter comes too soon. i think there's a part of me mentally that's the in between of fall and winter, where everything has fallen and the skies are thick with the dreadful grey, but it's not cold enough yet to start snowing. only frost is scattered throughout. i think this is me admitting that i am ready for winter as funny as it sounds. i think i am surrendering to my sickness, and it's why i cling to the warmer months.

8/30/23

in between wanting to get better and wanting to continue to rot. what is my decision (i dont know)

8/31/23

my favorite part of my day is going outside to sit and see the moon when im able to see it. i love the moon and moonlight in general, i find that the energy from the moon energizes and charges me. sunlight does the opposite. i find sunlight draining and all it does is either make me irritated or sleepy. but the moonlight feels so damn good and it's hard to pull myself away from it. not sure why this is.

9/1/23

i only got about 2 ish hours of sleep, so im thankful that my schedule today isnt going to be super busy. when i come home, im going straight to bed. also, slowdive released their new album everything is alive, and it's BEAUTIFUL. im still getting through it as of writing this, but it's so good already that i cant just wait to say it once i get finished. ughhhh wowww! i love the feeling of listening to new music from my favorite artists. it's just absolute bliss.

ok so in my work program right now, we got our photos taken back at my old high school that i just graduated from and it was a bit hard trying not to have flashbacks on top of my anxiety. but i saw some familiar teachers and it made me feel a bit better. my first few days at the program have been uneventful because we dont actually start going out to jobsites until tuesday next week, but it's also been a bit eventful because im already making a couple of new friends and bonding with people/older friends i already know. and my first day, i fell on some stairs LMAO but im glad it was just a few steps and i didnt break anything. it's just been a lot of getting to know each other and getting to know class expectations as well as expectations for being out to jobs and stuff. im pretty nervous to be around so many people trying to talk to me and it's draining, and im not really sure if im going to stay in the program that much longer but i know i probably should. i just dont feel like i fit in? i know im new and all, so it may take some time for me to get used to everything and everyone, but.. i just havent felt that instant click that's making me want to stay. everything's a bit more stricter over there and it's stressing me out, like dresscode and some other things. the depressed and rebellious side of me is thinking that i wont give a shit to the dresscode, buuuut im not one to cause trouble. we'll see.

besides all of that, i know in june i think i mentioned getting a neuropsych appointment. yeaaahhh it's been a bit of a wait, since the places me and my therapist have been looking into either have long waiting lists or are entirely booked/not taking new clients. i think she found a new place that's available recently. i still plan to update on my experience with getting through this and finding out what diagnoses are given to me. im not sure if i'll expose everything here yet however when it comes to my results. just thought i'd mention it since im thinking about it.

9/2/23

ive spent most of this afternoon and evening planning out the new decorations for the new theme of my room as well as organizing some stuff here and there. once i get money for my birthday or whatever, i'll be getting to work on it for real. im going for something that's slightly dark academia themed but im mostly going for whimsigoth themes. i just kind of want to put those two together somehow. i want a more serious theme for my room. i love the colorful chaos that my room is right now, but i feel like im slowly growing out of it and i want something that reflects the aesthetic i want to see right now.

9/3/23

today, i went shopping for some new clothes with my grandma. i thought that i'd save the dresscode rebellion for a different time. besides, i needed some new stuff anyways. so that happened. then we went to dunkin which was pretty nice. today's been good, and i needed something good, even if it was just as small as going out for a bit. sometimes it really is just the small things.

9/4/23

always in between thinking that i want to live and that life is beautiful and then thinking that life isnt worth living. but today i am feeling good again, at least right now.

9/5/23

if anyone cares about astrology, my zodiac sign is sagittarius, my rising sign is libra and my descendant sign is aries. just some cool information i found out about today since i discovered my birth certificate and therefore what time i was born. i know nothing about astrology but i think it's neat.

oh yeah i have plans to see zee tomorrow. i hope i dont die from heat exhaustion like i almost did today. not that i really did start dying but uhhh yeah it was uncomfortable. but anyways, it's been a while since ive seen them, so it'll be nice to catch up a bit :)

9/6/23

i went to dunkin and mc donalds with zee today!! i missed them sm and i had a good time laughing and eating/hanging out a bit. i did end up realizing i had therapy at 3 and i let my therapist and zee meet for a very short amount of time before i rescheduled LMAO we took some really funny photos that i wish i could share here. im really glad to be home though and out of the heat. i did a LOT of walking today. i would've enjoyed it more if it was cooler. but yeah today was a good day!

9/8/23

i feel my heart aching today. it's zee's birthday, and they told me that they were supposed to be dead by the end of today. this is how i feel about my birthday this year too.

9/9/23

always disregarded, excluded, neglected and pulled apart for fun because i apparently hold no care or emotions within my body. im always the forgotten one. it will never change.

why am i always the target

9/10/23

it's so fucked up. life is a horrible yet incredible thing. im so scared to die one day. what if this is the only chance i'll ever get? what if i never make the impact i want to see? what if this is all i will ever be? i dont want to be like this anymore.

i want a life better than this one. i dont think i'll ever get it. nothing is coming my way.

9/12/23

i was gonna write something but then i totally forgot

oh yeah. it's crazy how the best of things always seem to last the shortest amount of time. damn

9/14/23

i had such an amazing day today!! it didnt start out great, but when i got to the art gallery that i was assigned to work at today, it got so good. they were playing music and a lot of that music just happened to be slowdive which is one of my most favorite bands as you may know. they are super important to me and it made me super excited and motivated to be listening to that as i was cleaning and stuff. also, the weather is beautiful where i am, and so that added to my happiness. overall it was just great. i did not even feel a shred of depression for most of my time there. :D

9/17/23

havent been on my astral projection grind for a few weeks. ive been thinking about it though. i think i just need to prepare myself because it takes a lot of energy from me, and im already very drained of energy most days. im still hoping to get answers and to help raven/other people, but my main focus is understanding myself spiritually and my connection with raven as well as being able to give her messages or protection spiritually. those are my main focuses as of now and they are my biggest reasons why i want to astral project. of course, i have a general curiosity to explore the universe and its secrets. i want to wander off sometimes, but i want to stay focused on what is important to me right now.

9/18/23

im really tired rn but i had a good day hanging out with some of my new friends from my work program! i wasnt expecting to be out so late but im so happy to be home. FINALLY got my hands on the abridged journals of sylvia plath. ugh it was a long day of walking and laughing over stupid shit. they make me feel carefree and it's wonderful. there's quite a few things that happened but like i said, im tired. i'll probably write about it later.

9/20/23

i had another good day! at least my end of the day was fun, before then not so much. i went to dunkin with zee and then some of their college friends came to join us. they brought us to a college lounge sort of place and that was a shit ton of fun as well. these are the kind of people ive needed to be around for years. i did see ashley for the first time in a while which was so unexpected?? i knew they were at college but i wasnt expecting them to appear. but it was fine. we didnt talk much though but i did say hi. zee's boyfriend was there and it was kind of awkward but not as depressing as i thought it would be, i took the experience better than i thought i would. so yeah! shitty beginning of my day but a great end to it.

im in a weird spot in my life, and it all feels very surreal. one half of my life is horrible and the other half is the fun part. like yeah im depressed as hell and life is genuinely hard but then im going through being with these cool people and stuff and it's just been a lot of fun as well. the friends ive been making at my work program as well as meeting zee's new friends today.. idk. i just needed them. they've brought a lot of fun in my life and it's what i need to break up the dark parts of my life i think.

am i the only one that listens to music with their entire soul and body? music for me just isnt entertainment.. it's a guide for life. it's therapy. i find that listening to music tends to be very spiritual for me. i think that my spirituality and music are separate but they overlap sometimes. idk. just thinking.

9/22/23

starting next week, im only going into my work program on mondays, wednesdays and fridays. it's not finalized, but we're giving it a go. im relieved to have this change, i think that it will help me.

9/23/23

yesterday i was told by one of the staff members at the program im at that i have beautiful handwriting. that's a first. it's pretty messy and average looking to me. i thought it was nice though.

9/24/23

i am not ready for adulthood. i am not ready for the next wave of eternal horrors of life to hit me over and over again. i dread becoming 18, i dread getting any older than this. i feel myself begging to any god that exists to take me away. please let me die, please let me die. very few people hear me. ive accepted that my life is going nowhere. this is it. this is all i'll ever be. my body and my mind are worn, my soul aches for something better than this. nothing is coming for me and nobody is coming to save me. the more i learn about the adult world the more i realize how incapable i am of surviving in it. it's over for me.

9/26/23

it would be so much easier if my emotions didnt control me and if i wasnt so damn emotional

9/27/23

as humans, we all know we can do amazing things. technology and science has advanced, and we as a society have grown. not all of this is bad. the technology of today is amazing, i appreciate it just as anyone does. we can do so much, but i fear that it may be too much. maybe this is just my inner part of me that wants to live in a past i never got, but sometimes i hate living in the wires. it feels so dystopian and i know it's only going to get worse. it's so amazing and yet horrible. most of the time i dont want to be stuck here to a screen. i dont want to see people on their phones. hell, i feel guilty about being on mine. there is so much out there and it's better than this. humans are horrifying and we create some of the best and worst things.

9/29/23

idk if i mentioned it (i think i did a few months ago), but raven had been working on a very personal package for me. i just got it today and it means the world to me. she attached so much of her energy to everything and i can feel it strongly. she sent me some of her personal things that she's had for a long time and sent me a lot of witchy stuff like candles and a charm bag and other things that im probably not thinking of rn because of how overwhelmed and excited i am by everything. it's a good overwhelming though. her energy here is very motherly and gentle but very protective and powerful. idk.. when i started going through everything, i just felt overwhelming love. i felt so peaceful and i still do as im typing this with one of the necklaces she sent me. it's a little rose quartz heart that im wearing currently. i dont think i'll be taking this off lol. seriously.

9/30/23

today i had a good day and i'll take that as a victory for myself. good days come and go, but they are getting rarer again. i started to decorate my room and i think it's the most fun ive had decorating in a long time. i enjoy moving stuff around, giving things a new atmosphere and i think i just like decorating everything a little bit too much than i like to admit. i think that my room is going to take a more whimsigoth approach rather than a dark academia one, and im perfectly okay with it. on a different note, ive been eating ramen again. i get cravings for specific things and my brain has decided to want to eat noodles until i despise them temporarily. i am content today. i think i'm okay.

10/4/23

so.. raven is hitting it pretty dangerously hard with her mental health. i wont say why or in what ways because that's not something im going to bring to an audience of thousands. but im worried. when i get some energy and some time i think i'll cast something her way. my practice has mainly been a mental one because i have very little physical tools to work with when it comes to my spirituality/witchcraft practices, and living with older folks, im unable to tell them the truth. but i finally have some candles and extra things here and there and i think i'll break those out when i have alone time. ive stopped pushing myself and trying to give energy away that i didnt have, i dont want a repeat of july. that was rough. but i also feel the need to do a little extra something when stuff like this happens. i know that all i can really do is let her talk about it and let her figure it out herself, i cant fix everything and i know it as much as it pains me to admit it. if i can at least do something, then that's okay. ive done my part and that's enough for me.

anyways, if i dont chicken out, i'll ask my therapist for meds. fuck depression. im so over it and ive been dealing with it unmedicated for nearly 8 years. it's on a severe level and it's always been horrible and i want my future to be better than my past. i think i see my therapist tomorrow. we're still trying to get me a neuropsych evaluation, which i know i mentioned sometime in early june i think? i'll also update on that too. but yeah ive never taken anti depressants and im pretty scared but depression has been my biggest obstacle for pretty much most of my life at this point and i want to manage it better. just hoping for the best.

10/5/23

well that's it folks, i told my therapist that i wanted to start medication earlier and she's going to talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow.

i think it's time to move on from my depression. i think im ready to live a little bit more.

10/7/23

i feel like besides raven, there's nobody that feels emotions on the level i do. i feel like there's ever rarely the type of emotional people like me out there in the world or that love as hard as i do. is everyone just soulless, or am i the problem?

10/8/23

figuring out what's next for me has been stressful and scary. most days i just want to give it all up and die bc that's all ive felt like was going to happen anyways. ive been thinking more about my future, and it's soon. maybe not tomorrow, but a good few months to the next few years of my life? yeah. i havent got a clue what will happen past that time but all i know is that im trying not to die to the hands of my mental health. it's why im going to try out medication soon because i need a good mind to make these decisions and to at least function a little better. im too fucked mentally and emotionally to get a stable job so im thinking about assisted living and having people come to my apartment (or where ever i end up really) or i move into some kind of group home. it's unfortunate but im not going to kill myself even further by taking on a job that isnt freelance work. i will also try to get disability benefits as well. hopefully this first plan is something that i can take on. my grandparents wont be able to provide for me for as long as i need, they're getting older and their health has declined a lot, especially my grandpa's. my grandma is hanging in there though so i have hope that she will live and hopefully have a stable mind. i have some things that i need to get done here legally in my state and learn from my work program as well as learn how to drive before i consider my second option. but if it's a real emergency, raven would take me in and she's always been that person i would go to. i really want to stay in my state but i know i would be safe with her. as much as i want to be with her, living in a new state with new people and figuring everything out over there with her would be hard on me and most likely hard on her too. i would just feel bad for her that she has to worry about me but i dont want to be homeless and i know that she isn't going to let me be homeless either. im going to do everything i can before making that decision. i really dont want to move. i really dont know what is next for me.. and it's scary. im playing catch up with figuring everything out because ive been so suicidal growing up that i didnt see a future and i didnt care about it to begin with. but now i need to think. and i have been. i want my future to be better than my past even if it means that i need assisted living or if i need to move in with raven or whatever happens. sure, the situation may not be the best, but i need my mental health to be better. i dont want to spend most of my days still feeling miserable. im not going to allow it.

10/10/23

a few hours ago, i had been on the search for a scene of a movie or tv show i had in my head for years but i had no idea where it came from. i'd go to google, but thought of chat gpt first.. because yes. anyways, it gave me the movie "the time machine (2002)", which wasn't the movie i had in mind but i decided to watch the movie anyways. and holy fucking shit. this movie blew me away. maybe im just biased because i love things relating to time travel being a doctor who fan growing up, but yeah. it's rare for me to find a movie that i really connect to and find interest in immediately, and this was one of those moments. im so glad that even though i didnt find the movie i had in my mind, that i found something even better.

10/12/23

as much as raven has changed, i cling desperately to the idea that she can go back to the person i knew her as. i hope that on a soul level, nothing is different, and that it's just been a mental change because of her new life. i think there is some truth to this because she has told me that even though her life has changed, her heart hasnt. i dont only miss her because she's been more absent, but i miss the person that i came to know. and it hurts. the most i can muster up in my head when i think about her is how much i miss her. i miss her. all of the time, it's a craving of what i want back and what i have now is holding a decaying shell of a person in my arms. she doesnt hurt me, but in some way, i wonder if that is what has happened. but feeling how i feel, i think i dont need to wonder. it might just be more of me not wanting to admit it, because how could she hurt me?

10/14/23

my advice is to be careful as to what you say and what you think because your words have power.

10/15/23

goin to a fair with zee and jinx today, it has been a while since i've seen jinx and it's been a while since we've all been together as a group.. probably around graduation. so yeah, it's been a hot second. but im just glad to be getting out a little bit.

today was uneventful but it was nice to get out and spend time with my friends. i saw a toxic ex from middle school and that's when i decided to leave, but zee and i hung arond the general area outside of the fair for a little longer before we went to their house so i could meet their new cat they got a few months ago. im home now.

10/16/23

beating depressions ass by getting my prescription for medication sent to my pharmacy today. ive never tried antidepressants so this is gonna be a ride. i hope that it works for me.

10/17/23

i really want a cake based off of beach house's "devotion" cake from the devotion album for my birthday. turning 18 and my grip on beach house has yet to lessen this year!

10/18/23

do i relapse, do i cry until my head hurts or do i journal about it.. we'll find out shortly i guess

10/19/23

my grandparents were away for most of the day so i did a little bit of spell casting earlier for raven. couldnt say i had a lot of energy but i had some focus. it was quickly put together but the intention was there and that's all that really matters. my tools are limited due to finding out that my grandparents (at least my grandma) dont want me practicing witchcraft. oops. so i have to be sneaky and careful about what i have around me. my practice has mainly been a mental one because of this, but i've already said that before i think.

besides that, my grandpa is having more health issues recently. i dont have the energy to explain it right now but it's been a bit scary.

10/20/23

after my work program, i went to a pharmacy with my grandma to pick some stuff up. on our way back out, a homeless man had asked us for some money. my grandma didnt bother with him but i made sure to check my wallet for anything that i had. i only had some cents left. it was impulsive of me but i think about my bio mom when i see homeless people.. and i just didnt have it in me to say no to him as well. it could've been a bit dangerous as my grandma had said because we didnt know him and he could've hurt either one of us, but he didnt. it's not that often where i see somebody who is homeless and where i have some money at the same time. idk. i just felt like sharing this.

i finally got to making a little mini altar/travel altar for bastet tonight. ive felt a connection with her for a long time (more than a year probably?) but never really established it officially. i guess i just did tonight. i had some materials lying around and a little box that could almost perfectly fit everything in, and so i got to work for a few minutes. there's something about it that feels so refreshing. i went from feeling intimidated by her to feeling like everything was okay, and i feel better knowing that i dont have anything to be afraid of.

i seriously need to start a book of shadows. i dont have a lot to write down concerning my practices and what ive done so far but i have a lot that i want to write and keep as notes. so i think that im going to keep myself busy with this over the weekend. i need to collect my thoughts and stuff into solid journals so that i can keep a record of my journey.

10/22/23

another moment of me wondering if i should take down my website. good thing im mostly good at controlling impulses.

10/23/23

in another universe, we celebrate our birthdays together as one big family. in another universe, you never became a drug addict. in another universe, you never hurt me or my brothers. in another universe, everything is relatively normal and we're happy. i just wish that could be this universe.

tbh the longer i breathe the more embarrassing i become. there is a reason why i do not usually talk to my friends abt what i believe in! and sometimes i just wanna delete this website or abandon it but i just cant after all these years of having it. i dont know tonight is just not my night i feel like i ruin everything and im so disgusted and embarrassed by who i am and what ive become and what i do and just everything.

10/24/23

i feel like my head is just gonna explode. i want to relapse so bad again and im spiralling over my friends hating me when they dont actually hate me. im scared but i dont know of what

i want to care less and i want to feel less

10/25/23

prozac starts today fellas.. i will update you guys along the way of course

10/27/23

whatever my past holds i feel the pain that existed there will be more merciful than what is ahead of me, and that says a lot about what i think about my future.

10/28/23

the moon is very bright tonight, very powerful. every time i see the moon, it's like im seeing it for the first time every time. im just in awe of it.

10/29/23

i watched serial experiments lain for the first time back in april i think? i just finished again for the second time i think yesterday or the day before. anyways, fixation brain is real with lain rn. yay for neurodivergency!

i think for most of my life ive always been an existentialist, ive always believed that we create our own meaning for our own lives and for the world around us. recently, ive been feeling more nihilistic, as i've been painfully aware of how short a human lifespan really is, and i've been more aware of death as well. it doesnt really matter what i do, what i get accomplished or what i dont get done, or anything. in fact, i dont matter. my time here is nothing compared to the length of how long this universe has existed and it is nothing compared to how much longer this universe will continue to exist when im not physically here. i will die eventually just as everything else will, so what's the difference if i die now instead of later? people will mourn me just the same. i think i am more content with death in this moment than i realize. i dont care what happens. my time will come sooner or later.

10/30/23

update from my last entry: no i dont plan to do anything to myself. it's more just me venting out some realizations that ive been thinking about. dont really have a lot to say much about it.

anyways, i fell asleep early in the morning and somehow i feel kind of not as tired as i was expecting to feel. of course i was talking to raven. i wasnt planning to go to bed at such a horrible time lol but she just started texting me and catching up with the messages i had sent her throughout the week. i woke up thinking about her and i thought about how i want to visit her. we're both unsure of when it's going to happen exactly. even with the stuff she has going on right now, i still wanted to make a visit around my birthday because thats kind of been our plan this entire time. and i'd still like to.. but something hit me. the person that im expecting to meet doesnt exist anymore. and it's been fucking me up realizing this. i dont really know what to expect. her crisis has just changed her so much. dont get me wrong, i love her no matter what. but maybe she was right about waiting after she finds help, and i doubt that all of that will be done by the time i turn 18. i still hope to visit sometime next year at the latest if it's possible. idk.. i just wish i could've met her before all of this stuff happened.

11/1/23

halloween last night was a trip. my work program had a party which was fun, and then later i went out with zee and their friends as well as their boyfriend. that was an experience. it was good, just overstimulating and confusing trying to find a place to trick or treat. i havent gone out to celebrate halloween or do activities for it in years, so it was really fun even if i didnt feel the greatest. i dont have a lot to say about it but yeah it was a good night, i did have to force myself to have fun a little bit unfortunately just bc of how i was doing but yeah. halloween 2023 was good!

11/4/23

i had one of the most complex and horrifying dreams i think ive ever had. i really want to make an entry for it in my dream journal but it's so surreal that idk how to explain it at all.

so blessed that my intrusive thoughts arent horrifying 99% of the time anymore

but adding onto my last entry. im not sure if i'd rather have flashbacks or intense intrusive thoughts. i think both are equally just as bad. i get flashbacks more these days and it sucks.

11/7/23

making more plans to see raven sometime early next year hopefully. we both really want to see each other. im having some trouble getting a non driver's ID, so i wont be able to travel until early next year anyways. but at the earliest i know we're thinking winter or spring of 2024. and we both cant wait for it. ❤

11/11/23

i know i need to update other parts of this site. been thinking about that recently.

11/13/23

my therapist said my fast paced thoughts sounded like it was because of anxiety but i swear it's not? i dont feel constantly anxious, my anxiety is more in the back of my mind unless it's triggered. my head is just kind of a loud place. sometimes it's not. but typically there's a lot going up on in there. not sure what it is.

11/14/23

im feeling nihilistic again. it's hitting very hard tonight. maybe that's just due to my depression still being present. some days are better than others and today hasn't been a good day. i just need to get this out: nothing i do or dont do wont actually matter. everything is insignificant, we all die, this entire world will eventually blow up because of the sun and in the billions of years until then, probably trillions of people would have lived after me and i wont be remembered. i dont really know if anything truly matters. none of this makes sense. does it really matter if i die sooner than later? it all happens to us. it happens to everything and everyone no matter what. i dont want to die, but what else do i have? im mentally disabled, unable to work. im fucked. there's no place in the world for me.

11/15/23

good morning. im starting off my morning by watching youtube and having the confusion of what im gonna do in my life bouncing around in my head. for fucks sake it's not even 7 AM yet. but it is what it is. havent got much to say currently, just tired.

11/16/23

anyways folks i might end up being hospitalized so if i disappear suddenly for more than my usual time that might be why. but im not sure about it yet

my therapist wasnt feeling well today so she has to cancel our appointment which really sucks because i need to talk to her about my crisis and potentially being hospitalized. it's not like i want to be, but i know that it's for the best. anyways, the anxiety is getting to me. im trying to keep myself occupied with comforting things but it still hasnt been easy for me. im scared. im really scared. ive never been admitted to a hospital for mental health before and i dont know what to expect. ive heard a lot of bad experiences and i dont want that to end up being my experience.

11/20/23

got someone from my state into my house to ask me and my grandparents some questions to evaluate me. not being sent to the hospital. it's been rough. im tired and dont have a lot to say about it. it's not the way i wanted to start off my thanksgiving break.

11/23/23

my birthday is in a few weeks again. it always comes no matter how much i want to wish it away and to live in my ignorance. this year it will be different. im not celebrating it alone (minus my grandparents being there), jinx and zee will come over hopefully. i dont think ive ever had a birthday sleepover. i hope that they can find a way to distract me from the realization that i will be 18. that's why it will be different this year.

11/25/23

i often have to reinvent and think of new ways to do things when learning how to do something because of my learning disabilities. it's very frustrating.

11/28/23

i cant comprehend that it's nearly been 4 years since 2020. 4 whole ass years and i dont know where they went. i still feel like that scared 14 year old. i know ive changed as a person since then and ive changed a lot, but it feels like there's still parts of me that are the same. i know there's something that hasn't changed, what it is exactly hasn't revealed itself to me yet. in retrospect, i know 4 years isnt a long time. to me it feels like a long time because of how much has happened. another 4 years will pass by me just as it always has and i'll be wondering where that time went as well. my grandparents were right about time passing faster as you get older. ive said this a lot but it's true. they're right. i think i'd like things to slow down a little bit. im still processing the fact that 2021 was 2 years ago, now it will soon be 3. i just wish i didnt worry about the passage of time as much as i do. i wish i wasnt stuck in the past mentally.

starting wellbutrin today so i hope it doesnt fuck me up like prozac did

12/7/23

so.. i have a lot to update on. first, my therapist discharged me today. i didnt realize how much i cared about her until i was trying not to hold back tears. im trying not to break down because there's still family in the room and i dont want my grandpa to see that lol. goodbyes are hard for me. i wanted to say some final words to her but i just couldnt so i'll email her when i have a clearer mind. idk, she's just been working with me for little over a year now and she's seen me at my best and worst. it's hard to let go of people when you've told them so much. i begin intake with my new therapist on the 19th. im beginning new services that can help me with stuff like housing, financial help, etc. it's a mental health and addiction recovery program and it's also where i think i'll be getting my evaluation. the new therapist i'll be seeing seems really nice but i've only talked to her over the phone. i'll update on that journey as well. anyways, i havent got much going on for my birthday tomorrow, just inviting a new friend (who is also a new crush of mine lol) over for the evening for some company. i haven't met him irl yet so we're both excited to meet. im pretty nervous about it since i'd like to make a good first impression but im glad to have company, i havent invited anyone over for my birthday in years. i've spent it alone minus having my grandparents there for a while and i'd like to change it up a bit. then over the weekend zee and jinx are coming for a sleepover which i am looking forward to. not sure what we'll be doing but im glad to be with them again since it's been a while since we had our last sleepover. so yeah, that's basically it. just been reflecting on my life a lot since im turning 18 tomorrow and im not really sure what to think of it. a lot of doors are opening and closing and its been emotional for me.

12/16/23

raven and i are thinking about making our visit sometime this april or may and im really excited about it :'D i just bought a suitcase yesterday for it and recently we're thinking of things to do with each other. so ive been busy thinking about that and thinking of other unrelated stuff.

12/18/23

im never so sure what i want to do with myself. i have had this website for almost 4 years, it has grown with me and it has grown to be an important part of my life/identity over that time frame. i cant tell if i should archive my site or delete it. i could go back into anonymity for the most part. ive talked about this before over and over.. i know. it's on my mind tonight again. i mostly just use my journal here and that's basically it. i havent had the energy or motivation to update anything else. not that im doing this for other people or that my motivation to delete/archive my site is based off of the fact that i dont keep other pages updated, but i would like to make things look nicer i guess and keep things updated. i think it says a lot about my mental health though and the whole idea of this website comes back to me when realizing this. it really is a reflection of my mind and being. things that are left incomplete and things that are disorganized here, that really is a mirror. isnt that funny how everything comes together even when i never meant to do it on purpose?

12/25/23

i think im going into a bit of a hibernation phase here. besides that, i wish you all well, and happy holidays/merry christmas ❤

me: drinking makes me feel like shit, and i know it'll make me feel worse. also me: never learns my lesson lmfao

12/27/23

ive been taking a big interest in laurie anderson recently for the past 3-4 ish weeks. thanks to me scrolling through instagram reels, i found her song "o superman". i listened to "big science", the album that the song came from, and i cant describe how much it touched me emotionally. ugh it's so good. i relate to those songs. i really love her work, and im beginning to branch out to listen to some of her other work as well.

12/29/23

tbh i think that my type when it comes to partners is just unrealistic. for a while i thought i wanted someone that was different than me but now im realizing that i want someone that's more like me, and i know that there arent a lot of people like me out there. but oh well. ive got alcohol, self harm and good music to fill that void. if no one's gonna touch or hug my arms, i know the blade will. drinking doesnt hit the same like it used to but at least feeling sick distracts me from whats going on in my head.

1/1/24

2024, jesus fucking christ. another year has passed. i pray that it's gonna be my year because i need this year to be better.

1/6/24

when i pass, i dont want to be remembered just for my pain. i want to be remembered for the peace i brought to people while i still could.

1/8/24

my life is turning into a movie i swear to god. i recently matched with this guy on tinder and we've been hitting it off super strong. ive never had a relationship move this fast or be built in this kind of way. i initially liked him because i felt drawn to his energy and through deep late night conversations from his stay at my house last night, i found out that he also felt the same. i thought to myself before we started talking "i wonder if i know you from somewhere/a past life" and he wondered the same shit too. like wtf i just dont think it's a coincidence bc of how surreal it is. when i look into his eyes i fucking know him. i know him from somewhere. we know each other from somewhere. last night was one of the best nights i have ever had in the longest time. he wasnt even going to stay the night but we just got hit with a snow storm and he couldnt get a ride back home until this morning. i never intended for this to move fast but i know i wanted him in my life when i first saw him and now im certain that i do. from talking to him for most of the night about the multiverse, going on random roadtrips and going into the middle of nowhere, to talking more about who we are as people and making things official at like 2 or 3 AM in my room.. yeah. i didnt get any sleep but i would do it again. i'd do this all over again. i was on the floor of my room for a bit sketching and scribbling random shit to get my energy out and over the span of a few hours i had this pounding headache but i didnt care because it was the best headache of my life. everything about what happened was fucking amazing.

1/12/24

for now, i am at peace in my living room, listening to an audio book version of the unabridged journals of sylvia plath, following along in my own copy. dinner is being made, i am thinking about how im fixing already arising problems in my new relationship, and how that weight has come off my shoulders. i go back to my work program next week, and i am not happy, but it is what it is. im thinking about how sylvia's words resonate with my own and how beautiful her writing is. i guess i am just enjoying myself and being overly aware of my mundane life while i still can. i think that i feel content with slight shades of melancholy here and there, and im okay with that.

1/13/24

it's nearly 3 AM. (now i am editting, it is 3 AM). i doubt i'll be getting sleep with my relationship issues heavy on my heart and mind with nobody to tell it to. the rain is slamming outside in thumps here and there, almost as if it's mocking my pain. still, i am determined to make things work. i need it to work. i dont want my boyfriend to just be another memory. i think maybe i'll distract myself tonight or at least hopefully i can. i'll indulge in some music that makes me cry later, maybe i will finally be able to cry later. but i just want to eat, watch youtube and continue reading my book from earlier. ive taken up underlining and circling things in my copy of the unabridged journals relating to anything i find beautiful, interesting, or relatable. my life really is some shitty teenage movie right now, where my heart is heavy due to boy issues and staying up late because of my worries. maybe the rain isnt mocking me, maybe it's adding to the cliche that is my life currently; just some shitty fucked up movie, except im not the stereotypical white girl as the main character. i love you, i love you, i love you, always between us and back and forth every day, both of us trying to cling to each other for dear life just to stay afloat. only time will tell with what happens to us, lets just hope it ends up with the good ending.

1/18/24

im going to a funeral this weekend. it'll be my first and definitely not my last. i wont say who, but one of zee's family members passed away last week suddenly, so i want to be there for them for support and to pay respects for this family member and the rest of their family. it's not something im looking forward to, but.. i want to be there. it's all i can do.

1/24/24

i have almost zero recollection of what happened last week as well as nearly no memories from the past 2 days which is concerning but fuck it we ball

1/28/24

a shit ton has happened! boyfriend is now transitioning and is now my girlfriend, and technically my finacee bc we're engaged as of yesterday. so holy SHIT this is a big step and a huge ass event in my life. i honestly cant wait to make this information public to my family but we're waiting until we're both ready. i havent got much to say, everything is just surreal, and everything is moving very fast. i dont have any idea what im doing with my life but we're just goin with it.

1/30/24

something weird ive noticed these past few weeks is that i havent been able to remember my dreams as vividly as i used to. i blame it on the stress that ive been under i think, but im not sure. i usually have vivid and strong dreams i can remember, sometimes they're coherent and kind of movie-like and other times they arent, sometimes things are distorted and make no sense or sometimes it's a mix of both. but recently my dreams are faint, not as strong, and i tend to forget them a few minutes after i wake up. im not used to it.

2/2/24

im going through memory lane today right now, thinking about my late elementary and middle school years, and how much has changed since then. i was extremely sad back then so i don't think i'd wanna go back to it but minus the depression, those years of mine had a specific charm to it that i'll never get back. i miss the 2010s, at least parts of those years. as a person ive changed a shit ton, i used to worry about how people thought of me so much on almost a daily basis. i was VERY self conscious, not that it's changed bc im still self conscious but it's gotten so much better over the years and thank god it has. ive become a better person in many ways, and im proud of it, but i do miss the simplicity of my life during those years. i wouldnt say it was easier, but to some degree it was. i dont miss the pain or the stress of school or everything in my head, i guess im not sure why i long for those moments then. nostalgia twists memories around a bit i think.

2/9/24

i swear im alive, i just havent had a lot of time to myself to journal these days lol

2/12/24

i cant believe im getting married on this site's anniversary lol (at least that's the date we're mostly set on currently), 8/27/24, 14 year old me could never imagine getting married but 18 year old me can!! tbh i never wanted to get married and then i met my fiancee and realized that she's my person. even through our rough moments, i know it's her. it's going to be her. ❤

ive been doing a shit ton of witchcraft recently and it's felt good to connect to my spirituality. ive mostly done it because of the stress of my relationship lol but regardless, it's been refreshing to connect more to my practice, even if ive been doing it under stress/anxiety.

2/15/24

i think im losing touch with reality again. this time its different. this time, im stuck in a blur. this time, memories overlap and fade and burn easier than ever before. i dont think im alive. my dissociation is so bad. im so scared for my mind and my body because of how much stress and pain ive had to endure. fuck

2/19/24

i did a cord cutting spell last night for me and my fiancee. i didnt cut her out, but rather the negativity in our relationship. im just hoping to clear the negativity and invite more positivity. we've been hitting a lot of rough spots recently again and it's killing the both of us. if i decided to cut her out completely, in the process of working the spell i would have to break up with her and it felt very wrong to do that. doing a spell wouldnt just break everything up between us, it doesnt exactly work like that. i'd have to put in the effort to end things, the spell itself is only an aid in the process. i thought it would be more appropriate to cut negative energy rather than my finacee herself. we're always working to be better people and to learn from mistakes that we've made in our relationship. anyways, after the spell was done last night, i had felt some energetic weights lift. i think emotionally the weights are beginning to lift for me. we'll just have to wait n see what happens.

2/21/24

im leaving my work program this friday officially. i gave it a fair chance for almost a year, and decided that ultimately it wasnt a good fit for me emotionally or mentally. it feels very bittersweet having to leave the connections ive made behind, but it's for the best that i go. i think what comes next is that i will be applying for college to join either this fall or next spring, so it gives me time to do whatever the fuck that i want lol. im in the process of career searching. i really like the idea of being a teacher or art therapist but im not completely sure yet.

2/22/24

how could zee leave me behind. that's what it feels like anyway, we've been having some issues recently and it's just hurt because over the span ive known them, we havent really had any issues. i love them to death, they're one of my best friends. i dont want them to become a memory. i dont want to say goodbye. i dont want to go through the process of losing a best friend again. they told my fiancee that me and them arent on talking terms, they couldnt tell it to me upfront. no matter what happens, i'll always wish zee the best. i'll always cherish the memories that we have had if they become a person of my past. it's taking so much trying not to break down over the thought of them leaving, though. i just cant deal with this pain.

i miss being 15 sometimes

2/26/24

this weekend, i completely cut out zee from my life as well as their boyfriend and some of their friends. i dont really wanna talk about it except i feel so fucking empty and heartbroken knowing that they arent there. i did a cord cutting spell, wrote a handwritten goodbye to them, sent them the picture and then yesterday me and my finacee burnt the letter outside. on a better note, my fiancee is helping me apply for college. im pretty much done with my application, just need to submit it officially. im going for social and behavioral sciences, hoping to find a career in the counseling or teaching field of things :)

2/29/24

holy fuck im growing up fast. applied for college, im getting married, moving out, like.. holy shiiit. im excited and stressed at the same time, i think reality is hitting me a bit tonight. but hey, im not going to get anywhere if i dont risk anything, right? i gotta put myself out there one day, and i guess im on that road now. we'll just see what happens.

3/4/24

it's march again. 2 days ago, i have officially entered a common law marriage. i am not legally married, but me and my fiancee (now my wife) consider each other to be married despite what the goverment/state says lol. she stayed over for 4 days and it was the best 4 days of our lives. i havent got the energy to talk about much right now, but im alive and pushing through.

my heart aches tbh

3/5/24

life still sucks but my increased dose of wellbutrin has been helping me feel better i think. i've noticed that recently i have felt less and less like i want to kill myself and more thinking about how i can solve my problems instead of ending myself to get it over with because shits rough. and im like damn, wish i could've felt this earlier in my life lol. i really need to push myself to not wrap myself around in my depression again like i used to. i cant spiral, i only want things to get better from now on.

3/7/24

i dont care enough to die, just enough to live. i'd rather not exist completely; as a being, conscious, soul, body.. but this is what i am, flesh and blood constructed from stardust, just like the rest of the world. isnt it beautiful that we all start the same? everything is made out of the very thing that the stars are, and that proves to me that there is beauty in every corner of existence. all we are is each generation passed down, starting from the beginning of time. there's as many people dying right now as there are new people being born as i type this, and it's my self awareness that gets me into these existential spirals. it's strange not wanting to throw myself into the abyss, returning to where i came from. why dont i? not that i want to these days, im doing better i think. it's just confusing being alive when i thought i would be gone by now.

3/12/24

i feel like i cant get a break these days. wish i could sleep until 4 pm like i used to

3/13/24

i am officially 2 months self harm clean today, and i have started to take walks, i think things are slowly getting better.

3/15/24

goin out with jinx and two of their pals today to get out and hang out, so im excited to be seeing them again. it's been a hot second

3/18/24

my mind used to be a prison. maybe it still is, and the chains that used to hold me are growing softer with time, and i just started to notice. for the first time in years, i feel more at peace in my mind, which shocks me. years of clawing at existence, at my body, pleading to the universe to kill me or to make things easier.. then it has been getting easier, and i just dont know how to deal with it. the grueling suffering that ive endured for what feels like an eternity is slowing down. despite all of this, i still cant say that i feel completely at home in my mind or in my body. having a physical self is weird and i guess i never got used to being a human.

3/19/24

broke my 2 month streak yesterday

3/20/24

today feels weird, maybe it's the rain. im learning that i like sunny days better. i think that today will be quiet, and that's okay with me.

3/21/24

i wanna get into practicing astral projection again. i just havent had the energy or time for it these days but it would be nice to try it again. i still am searching for answers about things and the connections i have around me, not to mention that ive been wanting a successful session for years at this point in general but i have been too intimidated. one of these nights i'll have to try again.

3/25/24

i threw away my razors/sharps this weekend with the help of my fiancee. fuck self harm. im trying to beat my addiction alongside her

im not really sure who i am without my depression. depression is one hell of a drug and ive been high off of it for 8 years. that's a long time of being deluded and being led to dark places. i'd rather not go to places where i once was when i was younger, but what am i without it? the meds are helping with making me not unalive myself but ive become less empathetic and i fucking hate it. im hurting my fiancee without knowing it, and i regret so much bc of it. i got my wish of wanting to be less emotional and i regret it. you truly need to be careful what you wish for because ive turned into a whole ass different person and i dont recognize myself most days. my fiancee says that i remind her of zee some days and i hate to say it but i feel like she's right, and i'd rather not be anything like them realizing that some of their actions throughout our friendship weren't the greatest. im not sure. i guess i just dont want to be depressed but at the same time depression is all i remember and know. i'd call it my home at this point, but i know i cant. anyways it's 5 AM and im tired and dont feel like properly ending off this entry lmao

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