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MY DISCLAIMER (READ FIRST)

⸸ - JOURNAL - ⸸

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5/4/21

i wish you could kiss me and tell me everythings gonna be okay

STARTING OVER WITH MY JOURNAL AGAIN.

I need a fresh start every few months!

I guess I really do have an abstract grasp on human emotions and everything else around me, don't I?

5/7/21

i dont wanna be bothered

i wish i could go home already

I feel like writing another poem or two, or maybe a song or something but all of my ideas have escaped my brain

5/9/21

she's still in my mind.

I feel like this month is gonna be the slowest of them all. I want school to be over with already.

5/11/21

"why do you listen to music so much?"

I find that the music I listen to listens to me, unlike the people I live with and the people I'm around. (at least it's a small majority of people online, it's mostly a problem out in the real world.

5/12/21

when will the hurt stop?

I think it has in some way stopped but there's still a lot more to go through.

5/13/21

so far today hasn't been too bad. tired but at least the weekend is creeping up around the corner.

5/17/21

all I really want is a quiet place to work in school one on one with a good teacher. there's too many people bothering me at once. I love my friends but damn they can drain me very fast.

5/18/21

I am beginning to wonder if I am slowly falling back into a depressive state. I have been trying to get away from people I liked being around and I have been wanting to do nothing. I just seek out so much alone time now. school is loud.

as the days go by, I wonder if it's a waste. a waste that I even do anything anymore. what do I gain out of this work? I really need the summer to come faster.

I see you in school and I think how it's so funny that we used to be really attached and now we are nothing.

5/19/21

please tell me it will be over soon.

if you take everything on my site too seriously, you're not getting the point of it. but if you see it as lose abstract words, you're not seeing it to its full potential.

5/20/21

not sure why I have so many things wrong with me.

I'm going to be stuck in this same classroom for the next 2 hours. been here for a while already so that means I've been here for 4 hours in the same classroom. im just chilling with another teacher of mine who I've also come to like a lot. I've been able to get out of classes due to my things going on up in my head or whatever. its become a problem but the school year is almost over and it's not like this is the worst I have been through. I got this. it will take some time but it will be okay.

you can tell me I act or seem younger but I am absolutely not the same person I was back then. even from a year ago, I am a new person now. we are always changing and being born again. stop bringing up my past mistakes and sticking them on me. all you are making yourself look like is a fool for something I wouldn't do now. well I certainly did do [insert thing here]. but it was a different time in a different mind.

uaghhhhhhh get out of my heaaaad

5/23/21

i am so disgusted with the things i used to think

5/25/21

im curious as to why the good always wins over the evil in stories or even in real life. shouldn't it be the opposite?

when i think about my childhood i think of the smell of those indoor bounce house places, ice cream cake, my undying and crippling repressed envy for kids that grew up with both parents in the same house as well as how i have cognitive complications, abandonment issues, developmental delays and complex identity issues + how I perceive myself

im so tired of everything. make it stop

5/26/21

fun fact: I have a deep desire to know how things work. I don't know why. I am always full of curiosity and it's not always a good thing when it evolves into becoming nosey

you are the song I never get tired of

5/30/21

you're always in my dreams but I can never reach you

I wish I could tell you what's going through my head, but there are simply no human words to describe it. my vocabulary is too small and your brain would not be able to comprehend the knowledge of the reality I see and live through. I see things differently and I don't want it any other way. I am used to it and I am enlightened. I am free. although my beliefs aren't perfect, nor do some align well with one another (because conflicts arise), they are still a part of me and I see past everything else.

5/31/21

i miss the way we were in love with each other

i really dread going to school tomorrow. at least this year is finally coming to a close.

6/1/21

I think I'm living life just to see where it takes me at this point. I don't got a plan for the far future or hell what even comes the next day. i mean, why does it matter so much to you what im going to be doing for a living? yeah, I'm getting older, but the reality is im barely a junior in high school yet. slow down, haha :) !! there's still time. and right now i dont see much in my future! so.. deal with it. that's how it is.

if you're gonna ask me why I think this way, why I think I don't see much for my future, look around you. I'm not gonna survive in a work place, regardless of what it is. leave me alone about it. it's certainly nothing you should be worrying about, it's a me problem.

I wish I had a life to waste, but it's not this one.

6/2/21

I feel like I come off as cold or closed off but it's not really like that. you gotta take your time digging, getting used to how I work and all that. then, maybe if I feel something towards you, I'll show you what I'm really about.

6/3/21

thinking about what I had said earlier about my future.

I'm not sure if it's possible to think about so little and so much all at once.

I don't know how I feel about you but I know it's all positive. I haven't known you for long but you seem very sweet.

many thoughts about the both of you.

6/4/21

apparently I am taking a few hour long summer classes near the end of this month to make sure I have enough credits to pass and so I don't have a lot of classes to take senior year. I believe I signed up for the writing and reading workshops so it's not gonna be all that bad. I wish I didn't have to do this but I don't want to make things hard on myself when I'm a senior. It will get me out of the house anyways since I haven't been doing much when it comes to summer vacation for the past 2-4 ish years.

please tell me it's not ending now!!

6/5/21

coming to the conclusion that I take in information differently is no surprise. I have a good number of unique thinking patterns, but I wonder if it's a problem that I take things too seriously sometimes. or I wonder if my differences are bad. I think it gives me a whole different view on life that maybe not everyone gets to experience, I'm not sure.

--- --- --- ---

in an alternate universe, twisted in my own image

this reality slowly becomes the one i dreaded

the reality that i feared would come to me one day has arrived.

dear god, why did you abandon me?

--- --- --- ---

6/7/21

you truly were, or are, my mirror. my reflection. even after all this time.

i feel like you and i were whispering and screaming all at once in our awakening. it has been so long, why do i still feel the echoes of the past haunt me when i crawl back to the things that made me feel whole, and still do make me feel whole? i dont need an answer. i think i have figured it out myself.

6/8/21

how do you know what you're going to become? I don't know what I'm doing. I envy those who know where they are going in the future.

a little petal floating down, you brushed against my hand. how beautiful you were. so delicate and soft. so smooth, so calming. I brought you with me in the most unexpected places. it seemed as if you did not want to leave my side either.

6/11/21

I will never forget these past 5 years.

6/12/21

does time really go by that fast?

6/13/21

one of my worst fears is being forgotten

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