cringe gone, time for a fresh start
its crazy how extreme my emotions can fluctuate. everything goes from extreme pain to realizing that none of this is going to last forever and it's gonna be fine. it does still hurt but i know it's gonna be alright even if the emptiness persists and clashes with my hope.
i want to say that i hate winter and i hate the cold that comes with it. and.. i guess i do, sort of. i only hate that my depression tends to get worse and i dont really enjoy being cold but ive made a lot of nostalgic memories over the winter time. there's just something about it that i cant describe. it almost feels otherworldly and blurry with the twinkling snow resembling stars as the sunlight comes beaming down onto it. ive come to dislike it less, but it's always been hard. i almost think that the transition from fall to winter is the hardest part because i can feel the cold getting colder and nature isnt as bright and beautiful and everything truly does die. im starting to think that it might be the transitional periods of seasons that make me feel worse than the actual seasons themselves nowadays.
sometimes i hope that i will wake up in a different time and place. somewhere less exhausting than here.
i wonder if its even worth it
i just need this nightmare to end
i want to capture the essence of the sky in my fingertips, whirling in my hair, being everything and nothing at the same time. i try to think that maybe emptygod was just something i identified as in the past and the past has a chokehold on me and i wasnt sure what else to move on to, but maybe it's my present being still. still fluctuating between feeling powerful and being nothing at all, still in limbo, still condemned to the same hell that ive been chained to for years. i want to change and i want to be what i feel myself as in my heart but maybe the chronic emptiness and loneliness and the void that comes back for me is what im destined for. but i go back and forth between knowing thats not true and there's more to my life than this. it seems like the worst parts of me are the best parts of me and the best parts of me are actually the worst. i cant be seen as flawed or else i feel like i must die and continued to be cast away. im invisible but want to be out there but want no one to know my face but i cant be forgotten or else i feel like im a waste. why the fuck cant i make up my mind on anything? why the fuck cant i just know who and what i am and not be stuck to the eternal moodswing? im gonna be fine in like an hour once i write this, and then it's gonna hit me all over again, and then its gonna be fine for some amount of time and then i'll crash again and i just dont fucking get it or whats wrong with me
its getting cold again. i just need your arms around me. i just want you to hold me. why are we so damn far apart? i need to get out of these walls and out of my mind, maybe out of my body too. maybe i'll let this dissolve my mind as ive always let it do. i can see everything coming to fruition. the trees bear my hopes and dreams wrapped tightly in flower buds and i am trying to force it all open and i feel like i am being too forceful and hard.. im always being too rough when i try to be gentle. i give things too much attention and then i let it dry and shrivel up and then i cry and mourn what could've come out of it if i just hadnt been neglectful, if i had given it a second chance. im not sure if happiness is right on the horizon or if im going insane and thinking that im seeing things that are further and further in distance the more i look at it and run to it. i run in short bursts and push myself when my legs give out underneath me. i claw at the ground in desperation thinking that the angel numbers will save me. i want to be happy and remain optimistic yet i am actively drowning again. my head will come right out of the water and then i'll keep gasping for air thinking that the pain is healing me. why is it so hard to be normal for me
i'll be everything that no one ever understands and i guess i just have to accept that. i have so many connections but something still remains missing inside of me. so many random little hobbies and interests and a lot of friends and someone who romantically is involved with me and yet i just cant fill this void
everything feels eternal when youre in the middle of it all. i want to say its gonna be okay but i cant believe it rn
anyways i think im normal again
picked up my room a little bit cuz its been needing that so now im chilling again.. or trying to anyways
its hard to wake up and its hard to sleep these days. why do i even bother
falling and falling and falling tripping over myself again when im trying to pick myself back up
im just gonna eat something and watch yt and try to go to sleep soon. maybe my brain just needs to reset itself. sometimes i just have a few off days n then i go back to normal, praying that this shit doesnt last long 💔
wow i hate being dramatic (i say as if i dont still feel like shit)
WELP i guess im stuck like this for a while. maybe not. maybe i need to go to bed. augh
doing.. better-ish i think. still struggling but i think im doing better. mood swings are a bitch
ive been okay. hanging in there. dont got much to say cuz my brain is super empty but yeah
doing better now. things have been difficult emotionally recently but today seems to be doing better so i hope my brain keeps it up lmao
i know it's all gonna be okay but i still miss you. it's not the same without you. summer is drifting off into some other world and i am preparing to go head first into fall and winter without your embrace. my heart aches and my arms are lonely when they should be full of you. night falls earlier and earlier these days and i dont know how to do it without you.
childhood runs on forever it feels like and then it's gone. strange.
we're all conditioned to think that our bodies are all what we are when in fact it's just our physical form we temporarily reside in. we're all eternal and all nonphysical
not sure where im running off to or why but tonight is quiet. today has been cloudy and ive been embracing on impact for the oncoming of the cold
two places got back to me regarding applications shockingly.. going to one place tonight n then i got an interview on thursday. this employmemt arc is gonna go wild if either one wants me
this night shift is gonna go HARD as fuck im so excited!!
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