cringe gone, time for a fresh start
its crazy how extreme my emotions can fluctuate. everything goes from extreme pain to realizing that none of this is going to last forever and it's gonna be fine. it does still hurt but i know it's gonna be alright even if the emptiness persists and clashes with my hope.
i want to say that i hate winter and i hate the cold that comes with it. and.. i guess i do, sort of. i only hate that my depression tends to get worse and i dont really enjoy being cold but ive made a lot of nostalgic memories over the winter time. there's just something about it that i cant describe. it almost feels otherworldly and blurry with the twinkling snow resembling stars as the sunlight comes beaming down onto it. ive come to dislike it less, but it's always been hard. i almost think that the transition from fall to winter is the hardest part because i can feel the cold getting colder and nature isnt as bright and beautiful and everything truly does die. im starting to think that it might be the transitional periods of seasons that make me feel worse than the actual seasons themselves nowadays.
sometimes i hope that i will wake up in a different time and place. somewhere less exhausting than here.
i wonder if its even worth it
i just need this nightmare to end
i want to capture the essence of the sky in my fingertips, whirling in my hair, being everything and nothing at the same time. i try to think that maybe emptygod was just something i identified as in the past and the past has a chokehold on me and i wasnt sure what else to move on to, but maybe it's my present being still. still fluctuating between feeling powerful and being nothing at all, still in limbo, still condemned to the same hell that ive been chained to for years. i want to change and i want to be what i feel myself as in my heart but maybe the chronic emptiness and loneliness and the void that comes back for me is what im destined for. but i go back and forth between knowing thats not true and there's more to my life than this. it seems like the worst parts of me are the best parts of me and the best parts of me are actually the worst. i cant be seen as flawed or else i feel like i must die and continued to be cast away. im invisible but want to be out there but want no one to know my face but i cant be forgotten or else i feel like im a waste. why the fuck cant i make up my mind on anything? why the fuck cant i just know who and what i am and not be stuck to the eternal moodswing? im gonna be fine in like an hour once i write this, and then it's gonna hit me all over again, and then its gonna be fine for some amount of time and then i'll crash again and i just dont fucking get it or whats wrong with me
its getting cold again. i just need your arms around me. i just want you to hold me. why are we so damn far apart? i need to get out of these walls and out of my mind, maybe out of my body too. maybe i'll let this dissolve my mind as ive always let it do. i can see everything coming to fruition. the trees bear my hopes and dreams wrapped tightly in flower buds and i am trying to force it all open and i feel like i am being too forceful and hard.. im always being too rough when i try to be gentle. i give things too much attention and then i let it dry and shrivel up and then i cry and mourn what could've come out of it if i just hadnt been neglectful, if i had given it a second chance. im not sure if happiness is right on the horizon or if im going insane and thinking that im seeing things that are further and further in distance the more i look at it and run to it. i run in short bursts and push myself when my legs give out underneath me. i claw at the ground in desperation thinking that the angel numbers will save me. i want to be happy and remain optimistic yet i am actively drowning again. my head will come right out of the water and then i'll keep gasping for air thinking that the pain is healing me. why is it so hard to be normal for me
i'll be everything that no one ever understands and i guess i just have to accept that. i have so many connections but something still remains missing inside of me. so many random little hobbies and interests and a lot of friends and someone who romantically is involved with me and yet i just cant fill this void
everything feels eternal when youre in the middle of it all. i want to say its gonna be okay but i cant believe it rn
anyways i think im normal again
picked up my room a little bit cuz its been needing that so now im chilling again.. or trying to anyways
its hard to wake up and its hard to sleep these days. why do i even bother
falling and falling and falling tripping over myself again when im trying to pick myself back up
im just gonna eat something and watch yt and try to go to sleep soon. maybe my brain just needs to reset itself. sometimes i just have a few off days n then i go back to normal, praying that this shit doesnt last long 💔
wow i hate being dramatic (i say as if i dont still feel like shit)
WELP i guess im stuck like this for a while. maybe not. maybe i need to go to bed. augh
doing.. better-ish i think. still struggling but i think im doing better. mood swings are a bitch
ive been okay. hanging in there. dont got much to say cuz my brain is super empty but yeah
doing better now. things have been difficult emotionally recently but today seems to be doing better so i hope my brain keeps it up lmao
i know it's all gonna be okay but i still miss you. it's not the same without you. summer is drifting off into some other world and i am preparing to go head first into fall and winter without your embrace. my heart aches and my arms are lonely when they should be full of you. night falls earlier and earlier these days and i dont know how to do it without you.
childhood runs on forever it feels like and then it's gone. strange.
we're all conditioned to think that our bodies are all what we are when in fact it's just our physical form we temporarily reside in. we're all eternal and all nonphysical
not sure where im running off to or why but tonight is quiet. today has been cloudy and ive been embracing on impact for the oncoming of the cold
two places got back to me regarding applications shockingly.. going to one place tonight n then i got an interview on thursday. this employmemt arc is gonna go wild if either one wants me
this night shift is gonna go HARD as fuck im so excited!!
i just want to run away and away and away from what hurts me and impales me
it appears that i cannot let go of my past as easily as i thought i could. i still hold high school close to my heart. i shouldve moved on by now but i cant. its still burned into my head and my heart.
orientation went well today, was very nervous.. but i powered through it. i feel really good :)
hearing ur partner say that ur made out of stars is one of the most beautiful things. i love u 💙
ive been busy with work and the physical strain that comes with being on my feet all night. i like it besides the fact that my feet and legs hurt and it sucks. but i get paid to stay up late and organize things and make things look nice. i think it's pretty awesome :)
if only i could control my words better, maybe i'd have a better chance at hurting people less. fuck
another season dissolving into the past and my arms are still empty. my heart is full of you yet i feel the emptiness crawling back to tear me apart. i'll admit i havent been eating well this past day or so but im starting to think that maybe i deserve it. i think i'll beg to god to make the pain stop before i go to bed tonight. there's always something coming to shake up the peace and usually its my own fault. i wish to be nothing but a small child again sometimes and i wish i could be completely held but ive grown into a bigger body. i wish that the thing that still hurt the most was falling over onto the pavement and scraping my knees and hands. give me a break, god. arent you listening?
on another note, once i get my own camera, i think i'll start doing video entries for youtube. i just need something more.
imagine being hired by a company that is strongly against discrimination and then terminates me for having physical liminations DESPITE MANAGING IT THE BEST I CAN AND WORKING AROUND IT. yall just dont wanna be responsible for my injuries! fuck off. i have pictures of it all.
just give me some time. im not ready to face you yet
i stare at our old pictures and i go back to that photo of you two hugging each other and its one of the most genuine smiles i got out of you at the time. i wish the version of you that i used to know had stuck around and i wish we grew into adulthood together without the fighting and cursing out and fighting and pain.
been between writing a book and filling out complaint paperwork and ive been doing okay. not much to update about
i wanna wake up and have it all be better
i think for the most part i do fine these days but in my heart i still feel like everything is wrong. ive gotten used to feeling mostly fine that ive forgotten what it's like to be drenched in misery. just been pushing it away and it comes out in bursts of poetry or nightmares or when im alone and bored. i havent got anything to do with myself and it's getting colder and darker. i just want summer to last longer.
my dreams have been feeling very realistic and vivid recently, i feel like more than they ever have been. they've always been strange and realistic-feeling but ive noticed that sometimes it feels too real. i wanna say that it's like some weird in between of being a lucid dream and a typical dream. i dont know that im dreaming most of the time (only sometimes do i know) because sometimes it feels oddly like reality. i came out of a nightmare yesterday (which i wont be sharing) very confused and had to reality check myself (counting my fingers and looking at my hands) cause i had to make sure that i was here for real. like what the fuck is happening to me 😭
I dreamt about you last night and my heart aches upon realizing that youre still gone. maybe some other time we can be best friends again, in this life or another one.
i know it will never happen again. in a few years i'll apologize and we can move on, but it still hurts right now.
i just need to be focused on my shit right now right here cuz im realizing all of the unnecessary drama and toxicity in certain spaces makes me feel like my brain is rotting. no thanks. i need to protect my energy more
siiiiggggghhh i know i said i was going to rework my site and i know i tried to earlier this year and i swore up and down i was gonna do it but then life kicked my ass and here we are, some pages not updated in a few years and the same old edgy layout thats left over from a past version of myself. uuuggh
the ghosts of everyone ive ever been hang around me still after all of this time and the ghosts of people that used to be in my life are lingering, too. everything clings to my skin and my soul.
the loneliness of not being surrounded by the people that used to touch your soul, the loneliness of not having the person youve ever loved the most physically around as much as you'd like. the loneliness of being vastly different from everyone, of mentally and emotionally and spiritually being an alien. everyone deserves to be different, but why do i get to be too different? society is an illusion, we can cure illnesses and diseases but choose not to because of money. money is fake, and everything is a rigged game we all play. be too different and you are killed or you end up killing yourself. everything is an illusion and all we are doing is hallucinating perception and sensory input. i like to think that i will live a long life these days, but god sometimes i just want it to end. not because i hate my life, but i hate what humans have built. i cant fathom the hatred, the destruction, the emotional distance. nothing is fair bc it wasnt built to be. people say get used to it but what if i cant? what if i refuse to? i do not want to be strapped down and fed the same shit that everyone else is, i want to live. i want to be free. i want to be happy. but people leave, connections fail and are torn down, lacerations cut through everyone ive ever lost and cut through me when people begged to stay when i know they couldnt. my heart is heavy, my soul is tired and my head hurts, and the sky will always remain empty. it will only echo what you've told it. theres no one behind those walls, tear it down and you will see. oh god i miss you all. i have so many friends but i feel so lonely because ive isolated myself and have had to cut connections with some. i crave connection but im too exhausted to socialize. i beg for miracles and my knees hurt. it hurts. i dont even know why im still trying.
and it hurts being self aware of everything around yourself because you realize that it's all set up, it feels like sometimes there's no good in the world. ignorance is bliss but it's hard to cover your ears and eyes once you've been exposed to reality. but even then i question my surroundings. is my life truly a lie? who knows. i dont know.
can i really ever do anything right?
sometimes i wish i could walk away from it all, let nature embrace me. human life confuses and pains me. i was never made for it and yet i am forced to walk upright, i am forced to talk, to work. i cant wait to break free from this zoochosis.
im able to distract myself sometimes, but with the way the world is right now with my own issues, it feels like nothing is different than how it was last year exactly a year ago. i still ache, attempt to distract, wanting to break free from it all. there's still so much left to do in life, but i fear that my pain is everlasting. a cycle of things seemingly getting better, something shatters me, then i drag the fragments behind me. it's just disappointing, feeling like im in the middle of some big personal transformation and then i am eaten again by the things i am trying to escape. i desperately seek answers from my intuition and divination but nothing soothes me. i want to be little again. i crave a time before suffering. my mind and perspective is always jumping between the past, present and future and my body feels it. i wish i could wake up somewhere else for once.
i feel hopeless. everythings just drained out of my body. i still crave a past that i cant get back.
depression through the seasons for me is so weird. depression in the winter sucks bc it's cold and i get less sunlight (plus trauma reasons), spring time and summer depression is not great bc i always find myself wanting more (its hard to describe and im tired rn i'll probably write more on this later), and i guess depression in the fall is kind of feeling depressed that summer is gone. i think depression sucks LOL
its been burning inside of me. i sit inside of myself and i see the emptiness, the vacancy in places where it shouldnt be. maybe i really am meant for nothing in this life. maybe nothing will get better.
todays better than how it was yesterday so far. i guess i need to feel how i feel in the moment and pick myself back up when im ready
when the fuck will anything get better and i will actually be worth something
i had a dream last night that we made things up. i dont know why you keep coming into my dreams, but im not ready.
i feel like ive grown to be a selfish man, not entirely, but it hurts upon realizing. maybe i just want to take care of myself more, maybe im not used to focusing on myself. i dont know. as a people pleaser i feel like i am just meant to serve everything and everyone and i dont know how to say no. i dont know when boundaries start and begin for myself. if it makes someone else happy, then why should it matter regarding how i feel about it? i dont know how to protect my peace and energy. i just want all of it to be okay.
i want to make things more memorable rather than regretful, hopefully
i still remember the way the rain would smell at 6 in the morning, the way the bus driver would say good morning to me. i would make sure not to fully press down on the skip button on my mp3 player because it was always loud in quiet places. i remember folding your laundry with you a week before graduation and how you said my music taste was shit even though we had a spotify blend together. i remember the way everything before and after burned on my skin. i remember the way my heart was always constantly aching for more, did things even really change? have i changed internally or has life just changed externally? i feel weak in loud voices and it makes me feel like nothings really different about me. always trapped and aching and craving the most out of life but not being able to experience it. i always want more than i can honestly fathom. i guess i have a spiritual type of greed. it used to be that i wanted someone that could look after me romantically and now that void is filled, but i still feel something missing. do i really fill anything if im creating more absences? am i much different than my 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 year old selves?
still wearing all the same old clothes i have been, still reminiscing on old photos and videos and memories that grow fuzzy with time but the emotional aspects are as clear as day. they always cling to my heart and they're the sharpest of hooks lodged in my ribcage. am i tugging at the fishing lines or am i just imagining things? is anything really out there? maybe im just fucking lonely at night and the seasons are changing and nostalgia hits me like a brick though it's always been laced with suffering that i push aside when it rises to the front of my mind. i wish to be more in the moment but im always between worlds, then when i look up, everythings rearranged and i hate it. i fear i will be stuck in time forever while everyone else has moved on and when i look up once more, i, too, will be lost to time. i dont wish to spend my life this way. but maybe there's a familiarity in the pain and how its changed for me over the years. i cant explain how i feel clearly. i just do.
i wish my mom didnt choose drugs over me and my brothers. in a different universe, she took care of us. why does it have to be so embarrassing to want and act upon sobbing into anyones arms (not always. it depends). i find myself like a little kid saying that it's not fair and crying and wanting someone or something bigger than me to take away the pain. colors were so bright and everything was simple. now every day is the fucking same.
i feel like ive moved on from the worst period of my life and the darkness that held me captive in 2020, especially early 2020. i dont find myself thinking abt it much but every now and then there will be small reminders of what i was like and what had gone through my head and what was most prominent in my life. im glad it's over and i will never have to go through it again. i just cant believe it happened to begin with. all of these years of being alive and having different struggles and being in school, it felt like such a long and ancient time ago, disconnected from who i am today because ive changed so much, because my memory doesnt serve me well. it's hard. i wish there was a way i could hug my past selves and tell all of them what i know now. i want to be the comfort i never got, at least physically. i cant believe how long its been, how long it will always be, and how the years will keep going without a care. how long till the passage of time will stop bothering me, i wonder?
all this time and all these friends that im failing. i miss everyone but connecting feels like so much effort. something in my soul is decayed
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