thinking ive outgrown this site tbh
anyways journal wipe
sorry sometimes i feel self conscious about how big my audience is LOL anyways after going off of my meds my abstract thoughts have been peaking through so if i go on rambles like i used to, that is why
it's funny realizing we all inhabit all of our past selves
it's all some weird emotional cycle for me, emotions pull me deeper and deeper and therefore i spiral. not that anything has happened for me to cause these reflections but im just saying in general. emotions control me more than i can control them and god i wish i could say it would be easier to not care but not caring has proven to be destructive as well. im damned if i do and damned if i dont. god damn i hate being sensitive but there's nothing i can do about it.
summer is a strange time for me. the transition from spring to summer especially for some reason. everything feels peaceful, i feel at ease, and yet there is still a part of me that says otherwise. i wouldnt say summer overall is depressing, im not even sure what it is. the evenings and how drawn out they are - it's my favorite part and time of day. but when i sit here with my thoughts, evenings turn into times of reflections that can let melancholic feelings through. there's always something that bleeds out.
always uncomfortable being in my body, how i wish i could manipulate it into what i want to see. i want to be reborn, i want to be myself, and im always wishing for something greater. what am i becoming and what have i become? i dont know. what am i to do with myself? it's always get a job.. do something.. wish i could turn my years of suffering into money. i wouldnt have to bother with the world. i hide, and i hide, and i hide. not even meds could mend how far gone ive become, all it did was turn me into an asshole. starting my med journey in october/november of 2023, i went in optimistic. i wanted my meds to make me happier, to bring more life into my body and mind, and i havent found that. mental illness is so uncomfortably comfortable. always choking me in the comfort of my own home that ive made out of my illness. i wish i could just take the easy way and zap my brain with some electricity instead of playing the guessing game with medication. and you know, i wish i was built for capitalism, as much as i hate to say it. too scared to go to school and too scared to get a job and im actually enjoying this time off that i have because im not in total misery. i finally dont want to unalive myself every second of my life. i fear that there's nowhere to hide and no place i can run to.
i often forget that i am adult, i forget in general that i have an age. i dont feel as mature as i used to, i am far from an adult. i am expected to conform when i am meant to be a nonconformist, but arent we all? what am i to do? it's the biggest question that hangs over me.. what am i going to do with my life.. i grew up not seeing a future for myself so it's genuinely a struggle trying to get on track with caring about what im going to do concerning a career or job or whatever it might end up being. school made me wanna kill myself, my work program made me feel the same, if i face the world is this how i am going to live my life? am i going to be miserable forever? i cant allow it. ive spent so many years being miserable and i hate it. i dont know what to do.
i feel like im decaying. god knows how long ive been in this state of decay, it feels like centuries. i think i might be withering away. this fucked up sense knowing we're all going to die looms over me and sometimes i think about when it'll be my time to head out. im terrified yet i feel like a part of me accepts the fact that i may already have passed.. which is a feeling i havent felt since the worst period of my life. not in the sense that ive accepted that im going to do something to myself but in the sense that i am reliving memories and i have yet to mentally catch up to the future. it's a fucked up thing, it's sad and it's scary feeling like im so far gone that im already dead. im not hitting any kind of new low but the depths which i am sinking keep growing as the days pass and all i do is stare at the sky and the trees and cry to bastet at night. all i do is cry. if im not crying, im actually doing fine. some days are better than others. but when it comes crashing down, parts of me die a little more. i went off meds to try to become who i used to be, and i cant say im different nor the same. the depression and abstract thoughts came flooding in, though there is still parts of me that have yet to come back and i cant pinpoint what they are or where they went, but something is different, like someone who looks like me walked into my place. im confused, lost and scared. what am i becoming?
im actually a fucking monster i cant even call myself a good person
i wish i could erase myself
but it's not like i exactly want to die. i just want to erase my existence and i think it's a completely different thing. i wanna start over, be fresh again, heal the wounds that shouldve never been cut to begin with. is that so hard?
it's weird, i know it's 2024 but it doesnt feel like it. it still feels like 2023 to me. like the thought of ever thinking that the years could pass on has stopped at 2023. i dont know. i can never wrap my head around the passage of time. im everywhere but here, and that's all i'll ever know. always reliving memories and things i wish could happen rather than being in the moment. dissociation is a strange thing.
im thankful in some weird way that time travel doesnt exist so that i cant go back in time and talk to the person i was exactly a year ago. i wouldnt want to break his heart early but i also miss the person i used to be. i miss the last moments of highschool, tomorrow marks a year of graduation. i'd do it all over.
what happened to me?
i think im just on the path to finding myself and undergoing change is uncomfortable but i think i'll be okay
i was quite the specimen when i was younger LMAO
im going to try to beat my depression a little bit by diving into spiritual topics i want to learn more about. hopefully this can make me feel better and make me feel more fulfilled. raven helped me set this as a personal goal for today so i really appreciate her help.
me n my fiancee went to see one of her favorite artists live last night and it was a lot of fun!! it was our first concert and i do regret not bringing any sort of noise cancelling stuff because i definitely have 5 years worth of hearing damage LOL but it was worth it
the emotional hell of breaking up has been unleashed. i actually feel like im dying
working on things with my fiance n we're back together
im alive, just tired. havent had a lot to write about
finally having some peace of mind today
the energy around and in me feels heavy. i dont know if i feel like im suffocating or drowning again.. i just feel a weight like a couple hundred pounds of chains just dropped onto me, and it hurts, and i ache. i wish i could drive, i need to get out of this house.
this emptiness is forever
halfway through july already? it feels like just yesterday since it begun. this year is going by fast.
i wish there was a way for something or someone to tell me exactly who/what i am and what my purpose is and every little detail about my being because i have no idea who i am or what im doing. my sense of self is very distorted and broken and i just want to find peace in knowing what im here for and who i am
i wanna start a new creative project to express who i am but idk what i want to do. do i wanna draw or paint something big? do i wanna make a collage, digital or physical? im not sure.
august is near already, this year is going by so fast, and this is right around the time where i fear for the winter months because my depression always hits hard. but i just enjoy the warm weather while it lasts. i do enjoy wearing my long sleeves and hoodies though.
i made some of my favorite memories this past saturday with my fiance. we went on a late night drive around 1 AM around his (yes there's been a change, im not just misgendering my partner lmao 😭) old town and it was a lot of fun getting to be a part of old memories that he has!! we were out until about almost 3 AM.
it's august again and i am waiting for fall, then dreading winter. let it be warm for just a little longer, i beg to the sky. but there is always no answer and the leaves fall around me anyways. halloween comes and goes and soon enough our first snow dusts the earth. it seems like winter lasts forever.
im so frustrated with myself. i havent been drawing or creating consistently for a few months now. last night i opened my sketchbook for the first time in about a month and all i could get out was a rough sketch and then i felt drained. i have been wanting to draw for a while now because i feel like i need to get emotions out but i havent had the will for it. i wanna be able to express myself and im not sure why that has to be so hard.
what happens when i lose myself again? some days i feel like a physical being and other days i feel like an abstract creature that's strung together with only ideas and concepts. today is one of those days where my humanity dips but i dont feel connected to the true nonhuman side of myself which i know is solid in my spirit and psyche. i feel like an entirely different thing, a collection of things. a glass pane thats been molded together with its same old shards that broke off of it. the hollowness grows within and i fear that is what allows me to feel so ghost like, so unattached. reality slips away a little bit. i know i have never been a human being. so what am i?
this website reeks of a failed young desire to replicate my soul and reflect it as a digital landscape. i feel as if i am still lost just as i was when i began this site. i wish for something new but what?
what will i create this time? surely i cant redesign this website because the shitty nature of it i feel makes it iconic. but im craving something new.. something deeper on a spiritual level to rip out and smear into some code and call it a day. maybe all i want is to figure myself out and to have people understand me. maybe i just need to get out of this creative block ive been having. i feel like im running in circles. but online i know i'll always be emptygod and in my heart and soul that's all i'll ever be as well - the god of the void, emptiness, of being desolate. i know ive made my mark. i just want to know who i am.
i suck at website design. trying to fit everything about me with also being anonymous is impossible. im having a lot of thoughts on this right now
anyways enough of my cryptic shit im doing better
ive always felt like i belong to a different time or universe or some shit like that. maybe im just crazy. idk.
next week exactly marks 4 years of this website being a thing. ive been on neocities for a little bit longer than this site has been up but it's insane to me that this has been my place for 4 years. fuck man where did the time go? i was such a different person when i started it.. similar, but different for sure. i dont recognize myself from 2020. the years have gone by so fast. the passage and concept of time forever amazes and terrifies me.
im born naturally curious, so i observe people and things sometimes and wonder about strange or random things throughout my day. i feel like i wonder a lot about people who follow me either on neocities or not. it makes this world feel smaller, yknow, knowing that we're mostly all connected to one another even if we're miles apart. isn't it interesting if you step back and think about it? im always curious about those who take interest in me or my site, curious about new sites and old sites that have gone. hell, im curious as to where all of these views are coming in from. the beautiful thing is that i'll never know. it gives my life a bit more of a mystery if i watch from afar and i like it like that but the door is open for new and old friends and folks who are civil with me. these days i just dont admit it because im quieter.
the 14 year old urge to make secret links and pages that r weird and full of mental illness. yum!!
my site is now officially 4 years old. well holy shit it went by fast.
i wouldnt like to glorify my existence and put my life on a celebrity status type of deal. if folks like my work and want to express it to me then there shouldnt be anything from stopping them. at the end of the day, we're all existing together. regardless of our status, nobody is really better than each other. im not better than anyone. it's why i have an email and discord and shit. even though i call myself emptygod, im actually made out of flesh and blood as much as i wish i could be something made out of the wind and stars or something poetic like that. i wish i could be something ethereal and yet i exist in a human shell just like most others. it's surreal knowing im the one that's shaped this site over the years bc im the type of person to follow sites or media similar to mine and usually not be the creator. it always has blown my mind that ppl are still to this day looking at my site and feeling a connection to it or to me. makes me feel less alone and it's been a beautiful thing to know that i make others feel less alone. it's been a strange 4 years and ive changed but havent we all?
i wish i had a closer friend group like how i did in highschool
im thinking abt starting a tumblr page for this site.. i use tumblr a shit ton and find it to be fun so i might post more unhinged and aesthetic shit there if i do branch out
yep the urge got the best of me LOL: https://www.tumblr.com/emptygod111
why do i feel so lonely when im always surrounded by people. maybe it's just feeling lonely within who i am
i dont feel like i belong to this earth, to this universe or timeline. i dont know where i belong but it's not here. i dont know why i feel this way either, i feel like i belong to something greater than this life. i feel like the sky and stars always calls my name.
my parakeet died today. im sorry i couldnt give you a better life. where ever you end up, i just hope you forgive me and that you're happier.
for context.. i have 2 cats. i couldnt let my parakeet out. he didnt really have much of a life, and my grandparents considered giving him away at some point earlier this year. i just wish i could've done more for him. he deserved so much better.
idk if it's my visual snow but every now and then i will have minor abstract shape related hallucinations and it's super annoying so im not worried about it. it usually starts off as a small blob or line of condensed static or something thats changing color and then it grows. i cant look at it directly bc then it moves. it's so weird and it's happening right now.
something out there is calling to me and i dont know what it is. is it a person? event in time? some other worldly force? am i just dipping more into my depression? i dont know.. everything feels shifted for me. this isnt the right universe.
death is weird to me. one minute you exist and the next you're gone, at least physically. consciously/spiritually you still exist (in my beliefs anyway). im just thinking about my parakeet and while i wasnt extremely emotionally attached to him, it feels weird not having him or his cage anymore. i expect to hear and see him and his cage hanging up in our living room but it's not there. there's an empty space where a little friend used to be, and i wont see him again in this life. he's just gone. no more cleaning up after him, no more hearing him tweet and chirp, no more taking care of him. it's gonna be brutal for me when my cats go, for when my friends and family go.. if this is how i feel over a bird, i cant imagine what it's going to do to me when more people and pets pass.
right now, i feel at peace and everything is calm, but im waiting for my depression to hit in the back of my mind. shits been getting hard again. ugh
things feel oddly okay, and yet not okay at the same time. there's always something so sweet yet so melancholy about sitting here and realizing that summer is slipping away as dinner is being made and the sun is slowly going down. something in me wants to be sad, but i want to remain content, i want to remain calm and at ease. is it so hard to be okay?
i wish to live in a world without modern mobile phones and social media, i wanna live in a world without scrolling endlessly and i want to get the chance to develop a proper attention span. but everything is online, communication is online, the main ways i express myself is online.. my life consists of me mostly on my laptop. the internet and technology forever fascinates me but it's so hard to get away. i just want to live a life that's not full of pixels.
i dont think reality is my own. rather, i dont think that anything is real. in this very moment, anyway, because my mind is always breaking then being put back together then breaking again. all it is at the end is just dust being folded over into some clay to keep its shape. everyone's reality is different. everyone's consciousness is different. the way i see my favorite colors isnt the same way you see them, too. literally. different eyes see different things. everything is so different these days.. different types of people in my life, different types of pain (although what i feel almost stays the same after all these years). it's something at the least. thousands of days, hundreds of weeks spent mostly suffering. i cant begin to comprehend the painful changes and moments and trauma that struck me.. that changed me. that changed my reality. reality is a strange concept to me because of all of what i mentioned. its tangible yet it fades and slips away from me constantly. my mind is built on the unknown and disconnection between my body and my mind itself. its built on the pain. reality is always changing and i know for certain that i wake up elsewhere. things just feel off all the time. you know the feeling when walking into a room and things have been changed or organized somehow? that's what life feels like right now.. always walking or waking up in a different but mostly similar place. im in the comfort of my home and somehow the eerie feeling of being in a different place haunts me. why is it so familiar, so welcoming, and yet these walls feel different? ive lived here all my life. i dont understand it and i sure as hell dont understand what has been happening to my head.
well time to bring up to my therapist that i suspect i have schizotypal personality disorder. just another thing to add to the list of potential things that r wrong with me
i miss being a little kid. christmas used to feel so magical and i used to be happy
i just want to be happy
everything is so uncanny it's not even funny i just want my brain to stop playing tricks on me. i know something is fucking off and i dont know what. what is it?? if it's not my brain doing it then the universe has gotta stop its bullshit with me. im so confused and lost and scared. something has shifted and i dont know what. something in this life or this universe has changed and i know ive done a shit ton of changing but it's not that kind of change. something has MOVED. something has CHANGED. the more i live the more i feel out of place. something feels out of place. i need it to get back in its place. please make this pain stop
the worst part in all of this is that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. not raven, not my fiance, NOBODY. NOBODY GETS IT WHEN I MEAN SOMETHING HAS CHANGED. OR THAT MY REALITY IS DISTORTED. SOMETHING IS JUST DIFFERENT AND IM SCARED. i cant fucking deal with this bro i KNOW SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT BUT WHAT IS IT. every day i know i fcking wake up somewhere else. it's all so similar but it's like the atmosphere is heavier. like people have been replaced. nobody is REAL what is even real around me i dont know
i want to be alive. i want to live. i want to see the world. why is it being kept from me
everyone is fucking in on it arent they? theres a reason for my missing memories and memory gaps and shit right? the stress i have, the fights with my fiance, minor things that regularly inconvenience me and my life, it's all just a distraction to keep me from finding it out. well ive figured it out. the more i tell myself its not realistic and it's not real the more that i just think they've told me that to keep me from finding out that my life is a lie. im a science experiment arent i? NO CUZ IT MAKES SENSE TO ME.. EVERYTHING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IS CLASHING. some things happen here and there as i feel more and more uneasy, more like i live in a liminal space that's built for me. ive woken up in a different place and whoever is doing this to me is sick. but ive figured it out. is this what feeling delusional is like? or is that just what they want me to think?
they gave me a computer, a phone, gifts, clothes, friends, people to surround myself with, animals and everything that i like just for me. it's all a fucking distraction. my life is a lie. one of these days im going to walk outside and find out that there's a barrier to my world and im gonna find out that everything ive ever thought or felt had been watched. and im posting about it online because i know that there is nothing they can do. i can tell as many people as i want, both in person and online, and i know they'll all say the same thing and look at me the same and claim that i need help and that i need to be locked away or be put on meds. that's the whole fucking point! i can get away with telling people that my life is fake and they wont do anything about it because it's all just an act. i wake up different places, mostly similar but it always feels different. this calling i feel to a different time or place, is it the real life that im dreaming of? the real life that i dont have because im stuck here? i temporarily forgot about it because of the paranoia. im ALWAYS forgetting stuff and forgetting things and i might finally know why.
my therapist isnt available until next week and im just so frustrated because all of this hits me when i actually need to go see her the most lmao. things arent adding up. i just wonder if it's yet another distraction.
my consciousness is stuck in a stiff human body. ive always felt like i was made for more, made for the sky and for the stars, to be able to change form, to not look human. i dont want to be something recognizable, i dont want to be tangible. the comfort of a physical body is nice, but it's not mine. this isnt what i look like and this isnt what i should feel like. if only i could look the way i feel.. some kind of mass of stardust in the shape of some strange animal that doesnt belong to earth. i dont belong here. this universe isnt my own. im feeling this calling again and it burns me.
am i the only one that thinks that johnny the homicidal maniac is lowkey funny at some points or is that just cuz im mentally ill
online, you can be anything and anyone. i am multiple things existing at once, not only in my mind or body but in the digital space. amongst the pixels that rot our brains, i take form of different pages and blogs and abandoned projects. i am the face of it all, without anyone having to know. that's one of the beautiful things. those old things continue to live on as my body decays, or until they somehow disappear too with the waves of time. everything must come to an end at some point, at least most things do. i grow more and more afraid of death. i wish to embrace it. in the end, there will come a time where the spirits will claim me and my consciousness. what a disgusting thing to have our bodies expire and become cold meat again. we are alive with desire, truth, hopes, dreams, aspirations, fears, everything and anything you could think of.. and it was gods idea to cut us off from what makes us living beings. maybe this is because the earth is only so big, or maybe it is because the spirit realm is infinitely vast and it will always keep us busy. my time here has just begun technically, yet it feels as if ive lived a few different lives in the past. is this really the only life we get? this is the only body we will ever get in this exact form. everything freaks me out no matter what.
the worst part of me is that i struggle with black and white thinking and in arguments if im angry i usually know how to go for the other person's neck. unfortunately as kind as i am i know how to make things agonizing and i hate it
something i thought i would never do is fantasize about doing drugs. i dont have any money or access to those things but i want to destroy myself. i dont feel anything
i still have tcc as a tag. lmfao wow times have changed
im sad and there's nothing deep about it. im just feeling the pain i did all over again for these past few years. it always comes up. im always suffering for most of the year. but thats my life.
its getting hard to see positives
i want to be happy
i need alcohol rn
i just hallucinated seeing one of my cats tails swaying from behind my computer im going insane
the hallucinations and paranoia begin, wish me luck guys
anyways im normal again sorry about that LOL
im too timid and fragile for my liking. i would love it if there were something to change my personality, something bold and carefree. still kind, but not afraid to speak the truth, not afraid of everything, not afraid of the unknown. always feeling like a frozen deer amongst the headlights with every little breath and step i take and i know that is not the way to live life. i just wish i was a different person.
tbh mentions of the truman show keep coming up and it's making me feel not good!! it's just in random conversations or ads or youtube shit and it's like oh man what if it's a sign. im pretty much out of that weird episode i had like a week and a half ago but the suspicion still keeps arising and it's not cute
my cats have been around me more than usual. not that it's an issue at all, i just noticed that one was at the edge of my bed as i woke up and the other is currently on a pillow next to me, who seems to never really want to be around anyone except my grandpa. he has been wanting to be near me for a day or 2 as ive noticed and for some reason he goes through phases of just being with me.. it happens around this time of year. i like to think that they both like my company but also i feel like they're protecting me from things i cant see. idk. i know im thinking about it too deeply but i love having little kitty friends and i like to think that they're keeping me safe
im shockingly having one of my good days!
i think 2021-2022 were the years that i laughed the hardest, cried the most and bled the most often. i may remember the smell and sight of blood turning my shower water red just because of how much i used to hurt myself, but i also remember laughing hard with old friends to the point where i would start crying and losing my breath and my ribs hurt. so much pain but so much joy. i wonder if i can get those good times back.
i yearn for my childhood again. the simplicity, the fun, the joy. oh to be a little kid again playing roblox and swinging my foam minecraft swords around outside, to be spending time with my dad, watching dr who and having it consume my entire life at 8 years old.. i so badly want christmas to feel magical again. but for the most part my brain is like a nasty shade of corporate grey. i took my time as a child for granted and it's something i will never get back. i wish mental illness was never a part of my story.
something i can never have.. a song that still describes me. always wanting and yearning for the things that are far out of reach. held in front of my face are the dreams that i hold, blueprints for a possible life that is better than the one i have been living, and i am chained down and forced to be taunted. the cold chains remind me of the biting force of the winter wind against wounds, their rattling is almost like a choir of snakes. i stand defeated. always defeated. i claw and bite and grab and wear myself out. in chains, always forever walking in the same circle. always forever bleeding somehow, and somehow it's always that same traumatizing winter. the world around me is seemingly crumbling. does anyone else not notice the small glitches or flaws that i do? the way that the universe calls to me, another time in another life in another body, the way everything is constantly being rearranged, the way i am being always taunted. life is fading. i fear my brain is shutting down. it has been slowly shutting down for years and now the consequences are catching up. its warning me by giving me paranoia, weird things to see that no one else sees, these thoughts that keep going on and on that dont make sense, my body is stiff and weak and i can physically feel my brain rotting away again. its my sign to return to the body that is mine and i think my brain is killing itself. it cannot bear the information overload that it constantly processes. i dont want to die, my body tells me that it's not its time to go.. but my subconscious is heavy and just wants to feel peace. this is my life. what is my life. always in an accidental isolation
i love saying things online that nobody understands i wish having a normal brain for myself was real
i wish i could drink this all away
hey so im actually having a very good day!! my fiance is coming to pick me up in a few hours to bring me back to his place for a long weekend and im just super happy, love this good energy rn!
not going to talk about what just happened over this past weekend but holy fuck it was traumatizing for me and my fiance. everythings fine now and we're safe and all that and bc its a personal matter that's all i'll say but oh my god. little me on the 3rd was NOT expecting certain events to happen.
getting to sleep is hard and things haunt me more than they used to. and wow, my alters are actually starting to come out for once bc of all this.
im gonna be gone for about a week starting tomorrow to be with my fiance, so if i dont update for that time, thats why.
before i go on my little vacation.. i wanted to say that a little conversation i had with my grandpa is weighing on me. i told him i'd spend the week with my fiance yesterday and he had no problem with it but as i walked away to go to bed, he said that "it's hard to let go". i went over to him and he said that it's hard to wrap his mind around things, that ive lived here for all my life, and that its inevitable.. and that we both know what he's talking about. im trying so hard not to be sad over it. i just want to have a good week with my love.
im hooomeeee :) i'll update more later
ran some errands with the fiance yesterday and we ended up saying hi to ember and her family, its been over a year since i last saw her and it just felt so good to reconnect and introduce her to my fiance. we had such a good time all together, i knew that the both of them would get along just fine. we got to order chinese food and we shared a shit ton of funny conversations all together with ember, her mom and her aunt thats staying with her. i also got to hold her rats and got to see her dogs and a cat!! everyone was so sweet just as i remembered and it makes me so happy thinking about how well everything went
wish i never got my moms attitude and short temper. i swear im not a mean person but my patience is low and i get angry when stressed sometimes. my emotions are bigger than my body
i have this sense of being far away from myself sometimes and far away from the people or world around me. i space out and then space back in, unaware of anything thats happened. nothings ever normal for me is it
i think i just need a long hug
i get this sinking feeling that someone i love is out there to kill me.. i will not say who. i understand i am just having a delusional paranoia moment but its been consuming me a lot more recently. ive learned that intense stress can cause these weird delusional spikes for me. i just didnt want anyone to feel like i am in actual danger by just leaving this entry with "i think someone is out to kill me" bc that sounds horrible. and i know this person wouldnt do such a thing. my mental health is not good
my best wasnt good enough
please take me away god i cant take this anymore i have more trauma and pain to deal with now i cant i cant i cant im alone now
I CANT TRUST ANYONE i hate everyhthing i hate my life i hate it i hate it this is why i stopped believing in "god" so why do i still pray. i pray he kills me PLEASE
tips r open and so are art commissions so just shoot me a comment or text on discord if u want some silly goofy furry or animal art since it's the only thing i know how to draw well 😭
maybe the dangers covered by the thrill
my head hurts with the thought of doing anything. everywhere is danger. i cant escape
group therapy moment 👍 gonna try it out so yahoo i hope my trauma will be put to sleep
the first thing to make me laugh in a while is a fucking walten files ytp
i wish i could pay those damn bills for you sunshine. im trying. i love you
hang in there for me my love. im trying. i didnt realize how fucking hard it is trying to get people interested in buying artwork. im trying to find a job. i love you. im so sorry
trying to find a job is harder than i thought what the fuck i want to take all ur night shifts ANYONE my bed time is literally 6 am sometimes it would be perfect for me
i wish i could disappear
oh furry fandom dont fail me now. give me those sweet commissioners. manifesting that i have so many drawings to work on... it's the dream rn
suspiciously rich furries r bound to be interested in my completely not outdated art style (i am stuck with a flipaclip animation meme art style forever im gonna kms)
i barely laugh these days i genuinely just want to dissolve into nothingness
if i cant do anything im gonna kms i swear to fucking god nobody wants my art i cant find anywhere to apply to that suits my disabilities/accommodations i cant do this anymore im never good enough for anyone
i tried. im sorry. im so fucking sorry im doing everything i can to help you but barely anyone is coming my way and im trying to find a job. please be kind to us god. please i just want to be worth something i just want to help
my art isnt good enough my best isnt good enough as a person im not good enough i cant do anything and i am worthless for it all. im so fucking worthless and stupid and horrible that i cant just be normal and be able to work im so sorry
im caving in i cant do this i cant i cant im sorry
it could be ALL OVER IF I WASNT JUST A PUSSY OR IF I COULD ACTUALLY BE USEFUL TO YOU
emptygod insanity posting is so fucking real at 1 am
i hate being known as mentally ill here but fuck it we ball
but lowkey its true that getting recognized comes when u die. how fucked up is that. i wish i could sell one of those weird abstract paintings for like a million dollars and have some weird bald man in his 50s who is a millionare treasure it and think it's the meaning of life. man i dont know what im on about anymore im just so fucked up wishing i had things
i should go to a hospital i start to think. and then i realize if im hospitalized i cant make money I ACTUALLY HATE IT HERE
ive never wanted to tear everything apart so badly before
my mental illness breakdown is over sorry LMAO
i understand why some folks with trauma would rather die than live with the pain unfortunately
happy 11/11 guys :O make a wish!
guys i have a physical next week i need to make sure that i ask them abt diagnosing me with shit
oooogh just applied for walmart lets pray guys
when im in my "im gonna prove them wrong" mindset, i get INSANELY motivated and determined. if i get the job, i pray this mindset fuels me to work hard bc it's what i need right now.
besides from my mental health crunching in on itself, i am having a minor hair style crisis rn. not sure if i want to go with a natural blond type of color, if i want to do red, or if i want to keep my hair the same length or get it super short and shaved. do i keep the shaggy hair or do i become adjacent to a kiwi...
ur only cared abt when you die
its been a long time since i had to worry abt what happened when i relapsed. im alive and im ok but it was scary at the time
i dont want to be reminded of my birthday this year
killing myself i fucking swear to god
i dont even care anymore abt who will miss me i just cant do this fucking shit anymore
nothing is worth it
nobody wants to help me anyways
the time i actually need help theres barely anything i cant do this anymore i cnt do this i hate everything i hate myself i hate my life i hate that im so worthless and stupid and pointless and a literal waste of air and life and sperm and that the only thing i can do is self destruct and cry and beg to whoever is out there that something will happen but nothing is happening i just want to die i cant do ths anymore
nobodys gonna fucking miss me
i just want to get out of here i just want to find peace on earth but this life is cold and nasty and terrible to everyone and i hate everything ive never hated myself and life as much as i do now
ok im not actually gonna do it but i wish it would end regardless
mental breakdown over sorry to disappoint but i just needed to scream into the void again and cry for a little bit
my biggest secret is that bad romance is always secretly stuck in my head somehow somewhere
rah rah ra ra ra, romaa roma ma ma, gaga ooh lala want your bad romance
just about 2-3 weeks until my birthday this feels illegal. being 19 feels illegal
i think my grandpa just said something manifestation related. he randomly came up to me and said something like "think about tomorrow, and then all the things you've ever wanted, think about how you got them, you'll understand what i mean". and it's crazy bc ive been manifesting things for my life again due to certain circumstances. my fiance has a good feeling, i have a good feeling (most of the time).. just. wow. the timing with everything is super weird. and im okay with it. i think the universe is more on my side than i once thought.
i think maybe im not worth enough, or maybe my art isnt worth enough, maybe im not good enough. i wish i had a bigger audience in different places. i dont care abt fame, i just want to be able to help out where i can now.. everything feels impossible.
im so frustrated with everything honestly
everything thats happening right now has been distracting me from the fact that my life might be potentially fake i think. every time i would argue with someone or something would happen in the past, it would bring my attention away from this feeling that something is different. with everything happening now, i wonder if it's proof that i found something out that i wasnt supposed to.
what if i kms i fucking swear to god i hate everything i just want this to be OVER
btw i cancelled group therapy bc i need to be on THAT GRIND...
theres no escape from this
theres no point in anything anymore
i could beg and scream and cry to god all i want but i feel like whoever is up there doesnt want to help either
my birthday is in a week. but all i want to do is watch mysrlf bleed and get drunk to forget everything. i cant do this anymore
my dads name was never on my custody papers. he never wanted me to begin with
this feeling of that things are getting worse has been plaguing me but in the back of my mind today, ive had this weird feeling that everything is gonna work out and everything is going to be fine. i keep getting signs that it's gonna be okay and i think it will be. i think the light is coming closer now.
it's going to be okay
ive found painting to be therapeutic again
i think that god/the universe made me broken on purpose
my fiance and his family need help ASAP not only with medical/medicine bills as well as mental health resources but they also need help with rent too ASAP, me and my fiance don't have bank accounts so we cant set up a gofundme and i cant get tips on neocities because i need a verified paypal account to access those tips, anything helps: https://paypal.me/shinytinystars?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US
i forget my bird passed away sometimes. i still hear his chirps.
my life feels like a poorly written hallmark movie
2 days ago, i turned 19. do you know what the sound of a car crash sounds like? feeling your body jerk forwards to be caught by your seatbelt, inhaling the plastic smelling smoke? do you know that fear? happy fucking 19th birthday to me, and we get into an accident. i cant get the crunch out of my head.
i feel like im stuck in between worlds, the pain of yesterday and the misery of today. the anxiety and pain of the seatbelt doing its job repeating in my head. im stuck in this moment in time, always. the shitty car wouldnt stop. the breaks failed. my plea of "babe, stop" left unheard by god. cursed over and over. i dont want to learn to drive or think about cars.
i dont want to be a survivor i just wish it had killed me or left me seriously injured rather than leaving me with minor muscle aches and strains
theres no point in living. i wish i died yesterday. i want to find peace
its a miracle that we're still alive. someone was watching over us. there was more damage on the car on my side where i was sitting, one of the headlights popped out. i thought we were going 30-50 but i guess it was more like anywhere from 60-75 mph. the car killed itself to save us and it's kind of poetic. i had to go to the dentist yesterday and the feeling of being in a car again made me anxious, i barely looked out the window. the quote "this destruction will be your rebirth" keeps circling in my head, i think it's true.
i feel like a 2014 tumblr girl with my love for tumblr, poetry, sewing/fashion design and lana del rey except im a pathetic man with stupid gold glasses and my name is NOT rachel or hanna or something basic
i really need to update most of my site but thats a lot of effort
i kind of want more of a cozy vibe for this site but the red and black theme is so iconic and it's a lot of effort to go under a mini "rebrand" of sorts like that. idk i feel like there's parts of this site that ive outgrown or parts of it that im not happy with but i dont feel like redoing everything, at least for now. im more of a starflesh/weirdcore/flowers and chains and soft depression nature vibes more than the red and black and oooo mysterious emo tcc member vibes. a redesign would be nice methinks but my depression has not let me update most of the other pages i have for like 2-3 years LOL
hii if ur into cartoony animal/furry/pet art or like edgy mspaint sketch work type of drawings i do have commissions open :> just email me please and i can send examples of stuff, i have prices anywhere from simple 6 dollar critter doodles to 60+ dollar full pieces or ref sheets!! i mostly do sfw but am willing to do experimental nsfw pieces if ur over 18
i dont think im strong. im no warrior. i havent killed myself yet bc im a pussy, that's all. i'll never understand why people think im strong when all ive been doing is living another day being too afraid to die. it feels like its been centuries since i should've done it sometime in the past. i feel like ive lived past my time.
you gave me a life i never chose // i wanna leave but the world wont let me go: metric - blindness
i wish i could go to sleep and dont have to worry about the pain of waking up and seeing the ceiling of my room again
to be fair im not something to be idolized or copied. theres nothing pretty abt pain no matter how hard you try to romanticize the blades and the blood or the countless years of suffering. it's not beautiful. i tried to make it pretty, but i guess that's a very american teenager thing to do. you can carve my name into your skin or into your journals but the fact is that im not actually a god. i cant bless you with knowledge or safety. theres nothing to worship if all i am is hollow, tbh. but watch the views skyrocket if i do die, and there will be more people trying to be like me without knowing my name or who i really was behind the red and black themes. sometimes i want to scream about everything that i am as a person but i dont think the world is ready to know my name and who i am, what i liked, how i lived my life. maybe one day.
im one of the faces of the fucking edgy shit thats on here. we've all been collected here bc of our pain, bc of our differences and bc we're outcasts that the world threw out. so, i ask why i was put here and i ask god what my purpose is. if everyone has a purpose, why have i been stuck in the teeth of the creator for so long?
wow i truly hit it hard when i get low lmao
i dont know what i was gonna write about uhhhhhhhhhh
ngl my fiance suggests to listen to upbeat tunes when i get low so i tried that earlier and u just had to be there as i sobbed to peach prc and heaven is a place on earth and fucking chappell roan
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