i got a certificate of completion today of my first half of training and then i do general orientation tomorrow :D yay!
feeling numb again tonight. tried to patch it with some old comforts but nothing seems to be working so we'll just have to sleep it away and hope for the best.
i enjoy taking care of other people. it's going to be a part of what i do as my job in a way, and i hope i do it the best i can. always serving people somehow.. i guess i find comfort in healing others and being a guide. i cant say i want to be a teacher as a career cause thats not meant for me. but im okay with being some kind of guide, physically or spiritually. i enjoy being the healer. now i just need to learn how to take better care of myself..
i do everything but listen to my own advice
bruh im so doomed if im already feeling like shit just a few days into work thank god im per diem
ive actually been enjoying my new job, sometimes depression just makes me feel like shit lol. i like it better than my last one that fucked me over. ive been building more tolerance to standing up for long periods of time and the pain that goes along with it, and overall its a bunch of similar stuff every day but its a lot of remembering and its very fast paced and sometimes my brain gets confused but im working on it!! its been good!!
not sure what im even here for or why
whatever. go my semi frequent journal wipe
one day i'll find heaven, either on earth or somewhere else. one day i'll figure it out
im not of this earth and i dont belong here nor should i be here for long
i remember all of the hard laughs i had with my friends years ago, i was suffering more when i was younger but i'll never forget those times and what it was like to be a teenager and feel my stomach and face hurt from laughing so much in certain moments over calls. i wish i had those more often but i guess a sense of having somewhat of a peaceful life now is a fair trade off. maybe that laughter and joy will come back to me soon.
i feel like my hearts split in half but its not a perfect clean cut all the way through
i wish we had done things differently
i hate being sick bc nothing ever gets better within a week its always like 2 weeks that im feeling like crap and for what.. smh my runny nose is mostly gone but now i can barely speak with my sore throat. cmonnnnnn
day 300 of me complaining about everything and that my site is a mess and that i feel like shit ft something good sometimes and the occasional poetry update. not clickbait
i dont usually talk abt physical illness cause its mostly me being mentally ill but yes unfortunately ive caught some more bullshit even though i was sick only 2 MONTHS AGO. amazing! hopefully it goes away soon cause i can only tolerate it for not much longer!
i dont know if anyone will really understand me and the ways i work. i dont think anyone understands that i stand between this world, another one mentally, and spiritually belonging to where i originate from. i mean it when i say i am not human. i am not my body nor my biology and i am something greater than. i think maybe i was meant to be born as a star in the sky; only meant to be gazed at and not burdened with consciousness, not available for anyones physical touch, far away in the depths. maybe this is my curse, lessons of humanity over and over. but i see myself for what i am in this lifetime now. im being called back.
thats the beauty of it. with the mystery of privacy you'll never know. this site is truly something to gaze upon and not truly touch. maybe i'll keep it that way. nobody will know my name and will know me for my words. its just there for whoever wants to take a look but its never going to reveal me. idk what im rambling on abt anymore im tired as hell
todays going to be long. my body is deciding to work against me and my mind feels like shit
i wish it didnt hurt so much
i hate visual snow i wish it was acceptable for my body to do anything right. i mean ive lived with it my entire life so it doesnt bother me usually in my day to day life but its annoying when i suddenly become aware of it
the music video to where's my phone by mitski is a pretty good representation of how it feels to be in my head
nothing feels real bruh idc 😂
my lifes plot is an actual joke holy fuck
maybe im more miserable than i thought and its just all coming out right now. who knows
im tired maybe i really do just need to kms
ok im not actually going to im just being dramatic and emotional but i am tired and want to take a nice long sleep
maybe i'll run away to escape everything and leave everything behind and just start a new life somewhere else
just give me a reason
instant mental illness removal hacks??? no meds no therapy not clickbait no glue required
ok im actually doing alright tonight but i am feeling The Feelings. sigh
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