i have a curious cat now --> https://curiouscat.qa/emptygod
this is cringe (continues to wipe journal again)
i cant wait for school to destroy me on the inside and outside like it used to when it starts again
thinking about late 2019.. is it really going to be 2 years since we all met?
i couldve been someone.
i coulda been born without developmental delays, poor mental functioning in general and a peanut for a brain but i just had to be cursed with this didnt i! DAMN why couldn't i have been born normal
i dont wanna lose you, i dont want to abandon you or have you do the same to me. but god please keep me from dying like in that nightmare last night. i dont know why it was you in particular, but it broke my heart because I know how much it pains you to see children being hurt. i know i came back moments later slowly, but i was still gone for a few minutes. i know how much i mean to you. i guess it has been slowly invading my mind. i think about you a lot, i wish i could be in your arms. i wish we were closer physically.
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dear mom (mother goose),
I've never met you in person, and yet here we both are, thinking about the incredibly special bond we share. I've been thinking a lot about you. as this past year has gone by, I know the love for each other has grown too. it means a lot considering my biological mom was, and still is, unable to take care of me. it's hard for me to find parental figures. but I've found one in you and I know you think of me as your child. I wouldn't be surprised if in another life or reality, we were/are related somehow. I know you can't take care of me in ways you want or do things with me like we want but it's better than nothing. I'm thankful to have you in my life one way or another. I don't want you to forget me. I wish I could give you the proper advice you needed to hear, but sadly I don't have that experience. physically I am not at your age or older. I may be older than my physical age but I still can't do much. I'm here anyways.
near or far.. I love you.
---- ---- ---- ----
sometimes I wish I had ended this life sooner. but then I realize all of the events over the past years I have been suffering through, good and bad, would have never happened. I wouldn't of met the people I know, wouldn't of made the memories I have now. for some odd reason I cling to this life. I used to not care, why is it that I do now?
do i stay with you or not
give me a reason to stay alive
i think i am losing myself again
[removed cuz cringe]
everyone around me is disappearing
i wish i could stay in my room forever with no one to bother me and nothing to do. and then i wish i could be with friends. and then i wish i could simply not exist entirely. i wish i could go into a spectator mode, viewing the world around me but unable to do anything, floating freely forever.
i want to write but head empty
i think after you, i will not have the ability to love anyone else like i had loved you. i dread losing you every day at this point. it's a painful reminder that nothing lasts forever. college and future careers are on your mind, you're going to be far away from me. at that point, we already would've separated. the hurt i feel has no words. ive lost people who i would never think i could live without, and maybe it would be the same with you. i can only hope for the same healing and realization that comes with moving on from you one day.
me last year was on about something i swear because it does feel like love should be illegal
i dont want to talk to my guardians, or anyone really. because no matter how much explaining I try do to when it comes to talking about what I feel, it will never compare to the real thing. my vocabulary is small, and there are no human words for it in the first place.
the dread of school. only 10 more days until i am sent back.
wondering if im wasting time being with you
I was foolish to think we'd last years in the future, it hurts to admit it but one of these days I feel either you or me will cut our relationship off. always getting ahead of myself like usual with fantasies of the bright and hopeful future I wanted to see.
everything feels weird
I assume school is making me dumber. if it hadn't been I would've been ACTUALLY smart. and i know y'all will be like "you are smart lol". not according to my entire life and not according to the real psychologist in my school that tested me. i am destined to fail to be a part of society as an adult.
i crave to be a part of a time i can never experience
my existence seems so quiet, so small and so pointless. no one knows the extent of how twisted my perception of everything around me (including myself) is. no one knows the extent of anything in my mind or complete being. the urge to let myself be heard, seen, make noise and set things on fire carelessly is being shut down by myself out of fear. if i made myself heard, i would bring attention to myself. isn't that what i want? im not sure, because all my life i have been in the background, a person that doesn't stand out or matter to many. im used to that. but i've been craving something more. desires are hard to control.
it has only been 10 days but i miss holding you close to me in your room. i dont want to be apart.
im listening to no lullabies by kill cheerleader over and over. i feel an unfamiliar sense of hope in a new beginning and hopelessness/dread.
for the past day I have been researching witchcraft again all of a sudden. there is no particular reason. and yes, I'm an aspiring witch. I have been connected to the idea of magic all my life, and many other things that I have experienced in my life align with being a witch. of course experiencing those things doesn't immediately make you and i a witch (personally im connected to nature, animals, i may have clairsentience since i was little, im an empath, the list goes on lol) but ive taken note of these experiences. i genuinely feel a connection to witchcraft and since ive briefly heard about it when i was 10 or 11, ive wanted to learn more but had no where to start. mother goose is a witch, and sometimes I go to her for help. I'm on my own mostly besides that, and I don't mind. I feel a deep need to practice and research. I feel like I can make a difference to the world, the people around me and myself in a positive way. I feel like in the future I could pass down knowledge to others, guide them and heal them. I have a need to help and guide people, and I have a feeling this is one bigger way I could do it.
i need to do something with my life
i dont want to hurt you, i love you so much. i hope you know that. i hope to not get myself in any trouble and hurt what we have.
this probably wont end well.
love is shitty lol
one of my partners pets died last night. FUCK
all i want is to help people but i find myself hurting them sometimes and i do not know why. what am i doing wrong
september 2020 kinda sucked but it was a good month in some parts and i cant believe it's been a year that has passed since then??
i hate that one of my cats looks similarly to the one that my partner had that passed. i cant look at him without thinking about my partner's old cat. god. i miss him.
life is starting to change again. life is always changing, however things are changing for the worse again. i wish good things didn't have to change or come to an end.
there's too many things that remind me of you and i wish that wasn't the case because i need to get over you to start over again. everything is happening the way i predicted it would. i wish this was a nightmare i could erase.
someday we'll find each other again.
it's over, we're done. it's over and I never imagined it would happen.
yknow what? i dont care about fame, being popular anywhere or becoming someone/something. if people are gonna want to get to know me or find me, it's not their fault for finding me and getting to know me. it's meant to be. only certain people are going to find me, delve into the depths of my soul personally, etc. it's fine with me, it makes the experience more personal and intimate. being popular and famous isn't all that good, isn't it more exciting to find something or someone with a small following (if they have some sort of online presence)? you're discovering gems that way.
im doing pretty well considering the break up that took place today besides me kinshifting into grimes or something
it's GONE. my sense of self is gone. it has been for a few months but I've been slipping away from myself further and deeper with no end. I am contained in this simple human body but I should be more than that. I want to be more than this on a physical level.
im still in love with you
i know you want me to be happy but a day knowing youre still breathing and loving me as much as you do makes me the happiest ive ever been.
september is a weird month for me. i hold onto and remember dates that have memories attached to them. soon, it will be the 3rd "anniversary" of something that fucked me up. the 30th is an old anniversary with someone who is now my ex..
3 years. it's been so long but has it really?
i actually do go about my day to day life realizing i created this website, that this is a part of me and so many people get to see parts of my mind but never the whole picture or who it is that is behind it. it's strange. it's almost invasive but also incredibly anonymous as well.
I WISH I HAD NEVER TOLD YOU SO MUCH ABOUT ME WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER
i shouldve known better, i shouldve kept telling myself love was fake and love was all a lie and love was a waste of time.
i need someone to rot away with irl. maybe not with a romantic context behind it, but i want someone to wither away with. i have been thinking about it but there is no one that i know in person because i am a professional introvert with very few friends at school.
20 years ago today. may you all rest in peace and have found a good place.
40 years ago today, Dylan Klebold was born. (I wasn't sure what to write, just wanted to acknowledge the 2 significant events on this day.)
i never wanna fall in love again
there's always tomorrow for a fresh beginning.
worried about too much
ashley texted me earlier today and i think she wants to talk to me more. i hope she means it and stays in contact with me.
today, mainly in school, wasn't the best. but the rest of my day was great. took a hot shower, relaxed, and im looking forwards to having ashley talk to me again. a little nervous, but im sure it will be fine.
i finally talked to ashley for the first time in a long time in person, it's great to have the tension between us finally start to ease a bit.
i feel like a lot has changed with ashley, it's so foreign but so familiar with her right now.
in a matter of time, i would be forgotten quickly. at least that is what i fear the most.
wanna feel something more than this
i need to accept that neither of you love me or have the same thoughts towards me and that i'll never find anyone like you again. maybe love is evil. maybe it's meant to be evil. or maybe it's not and im just unable to find anything beautiful anymore.
i cant believe i still love you. i know we're better off as friends but i cant shake this off. i wish we worked out but i know it would end up the same.
sometimes i wish i was extroverted. i wish i had an exciting life, always seeing the brightest of colors in the smallest of details in the world. i wish i could interact with people easier irl. sometimes i wish people knew that i exist and that im not some background character. but that's all i'll ever be. i will never be someone's main character, their love interest, or whatever. no one at school actually cares besides the very few people i know. i wanna mean something to someone, someone who i can feel and see in person and not through a screen.
im falling into something i think and im not exactly sure what or why. it's not good.
genuinely curious if i have DID/OSDD or if it's just me thinking things. ive never talked about it because ive been in denial for so long and i dont have a diagnosis. but i like to be honest and thought i would share that for the first time. no information will be shared about my alters if they are truly alters for protection reasons. if it's not DID or OSDD then there is most likely another dissociative disorder happening. I still need to talk about it more with the counselors at school because I do not like to self diagnose (even tho it's the only thing I can rlly do right now..)
it's been a long week.old activity