hot take but idc abt politics as much as i used to. i dont rlly have a label for which "side" im on (but i guess you could say im a moderate with a left lean?). a lot of the info abt me here is outdated. i laugh at everyone equally bc i think it's stupid that we cant settle things with a game of rock paper scissors and agree to disagree and be polite to one another. it's rlly not that hard to understand that we're all human and we all deserve to be treated equally and everyone should have rights regardless of how u identify. no one is better than one another bc of some social or wealth status. at the end of the day we're on a spinning rock in the middle of nowhere. i dont think things have to be so deep anymore lol
a month ago in a group chat with some of my friends i said "im convinced its the mental illness and very weird metaphorical speech that attracts ppl to me" and i think it was fitting to share this with the world
thank god its the end of the year! im so ready to start fresh, to be a better person. 2025 is the year im really going to start finding myself and forming me into who I personally want to be and not be the person that the people around me want to be. this year has been shit for the most part, and finally i dont feel dread leaving another year behind. i'll figure out what i want to do with myself, with this site, with everything and anything. it is time for me to finally grow a back bone and take the world by its nuts and say that im here and im not going anywhere. this year im going to be LOUD about who i am. i dont give a fuck, we only live once.
i feel powerful knowing i can be whatever i want to be
im always so painfully devoted to the people that i love especially when it comes to romance. i think i might have an issue with being obsessed but im not sure.
finally, the big 25! i can rest peacefully knowing that all the past energy from 2024 is left in that year. im ready to see myself bloom.
hands down one of my favorite shoegaze experiences ever is the song "i want to be with you" by sadness, especially when played on good quality headphones at 100% volume. it's so fucking raw and real and beautiful. ugh holy shit
99% journal wipe to start the new year off strong
i forget how bad it is to listen to music super loud but its never loud enough for me!!
i hate back pain at 19
the red and black theme is getting old i think i might actually redesign my site this year for real
new year, new me, new site. give me some time but i swear im actually going to go through with the redesign. it's going to be completely different, and i wont spoil what my plans or visions are, but say goodbye to the red and black themes. im over it and going to go for something softer and whimsical. im not going to announce anything, but when you see my front page start to change, you'll know. this site is approaching 5 years old in august and genuinely i cannot believe ive stuck with it for this long. ive grown up a bit and i think its time that this site goes through its own transformation too. ❤
i think ravioli is one of the best things to exist idc what yall say i LOVE CARBS
i'll never amount to anything
i dont get why ive been made fun of for having a more formal way of talking or having a slightly extended vocab, idc that i sound like a book im just.. myself?
I HATE BEING SLEEPY LET ME WAKE UP AUGH
midnight ravioli is soooo good. also happy 1 year to me n my fiancee (we cant decide if its the 7th or 8th but i still say the 8th.. technically.. LOL)
tonight i am feeling so emotionally high that i am not sure if i am going through an episode or if this is what normal is for ppl without depression
mood swings r only fun when i feel like im on top of the world and nothing and no one can stop me. unfortunately i am trying to have a semi normal sleep schedule so i need to go to bed and not impulsively create art. man
lowkey its kind of dumb at this point in time for me to have a public journal and do nothing else with my site. idk if i just want to redesign everything or if i want to like delete everything... ughhhhhhhhhhh
my first site was so cringe im shocked i havent taken it down yet
idk if i resonate with the "emptygod" label as much as i used to.. it was a big part of me when i was younger but i feel like it doesnt click with me. maybe im going through a phase of disconnect or maybe im growing up. who knows
im gonna be away for a bit visitng my fiancee YIPPIEEE so if i dont update for a bit thats why ❤ teehee i'll be back later at some point! not sure when
hey fellas im back.. i'll tell yall abt my adventures later cause i just got home lmao
was i ever a good person or was i just sheltered to believe so?
anyways since the accident me n my fiancee havent had a car but we both had some money and got to go out a little bit :3 it was a lot of fun and i'll be going back out to see her later this week ^.^ we did a shit ton of shopping and ordering food and we went to the mall on our engagement/marriage anniversary and i got to do a demo of apple's vision pro at a mall we went to. it BLEW MY FUCKING MIND OMFG! if only i had the money to buy one cause i totally would. ermmm other than that we didnt do too much but it was nice!!
im excited for valentines day, i love being able to celebrate the joys of love and connection with my fiancee!! and i love being able to gift her things as well ❤
ive been.. absent to say the least. absent from most of my friends and most family too. i feel like shit, i miss everyone and yet i cant stand most social interaction currently. the thought of it just makes me sick.
starting today i'll be away until around the 28th to be with my fiancee some more. toodles!
i was gone a little bit longer than expected but im home for a bit. we had a lot of fun together, had to help pack and bring things with me since theyre moving. so im just chilling now :) on another note, i need to find a new therapist at some point
yeaaaaaahhh its so embarrassing to ask for help but its all ive ever had to ask for cuz i am slow and behind. i hate asking for things like i should be able to do shit by myself. UGH
eye appointment today!! time to get new glasses cause i lost one of the lenses to my first pair. rip. i wanna get the same frame if they still have it.
the moment you embrace what is not yours in regards to who you are as an individual is the moment you kill yourself (which is a fancy way of saying be urself)
how to feel alive?
everything, no matter what season, makes me feel bittersweet or nostalgic or heartbroken over something. there's a sadness attached to everything and everywhere i go. everything bleeds that sweet, glistening sting. my heart aches when the cold air burns through my flesh and the heaviness prevails when the sun sets in the summer. the in between seasons are the same.. the rain that spring brings makes me yearn for brighter skies and the falling leaves of autumn makes me dread winter. everything is beautiful, but it hurts. if only i could cut open space and time and let it all flow out. the flooding wouldnt be an issue as long as it brought healing. i dont understand why everything must be so strong and impactful. the best and worst of my life will always be consistently etched into everywhere i go and everything i feel.
people change.
it's the little things that can either make my day or break me completely but thankfully i am doing good so far :)
its all catching up to me again. fuck
after every good thing must come misery. maybe if i remain miserable i wont have to feel the fluctuations anymore
okay guys guess who is seeing a new therapist tomorrow 🥰
i miss my younger years. i want it all back so bad
my head hurts.. it wont stop
i feel the emptiness again. but it's not pure numb emptiness, it's the emptiness of depression. the emptiness that strips you whole and leaves your chest gaping for mercy. i beg god to help me still.
hopefully gonna get back on my wellbutrin 300 mg prescription. do yall remember that whole thing from last year LMAO it made me feel like shit that i couldnt emotionally connect or be empathetic but damn it worked so good in being not depressed. i love ruining my mental health in different ways i wish i could find a medication that worked for me
i need to be placed in a hot bath tub rn but like still feel warm when getting out cause i hate getting in an awesome bath or shower and then ur just sopping wet and cold??? like ugh its so unfair. wtf
every now and then if i stay up just late enough i can escape the depression and actually find something to laugh at. thanks brain!
the mid afternoon depression hits SO hard like its beautiful out but i actively hold tears back anyways
much better today!! yahoo
i need a good explanation as for (usually) every september 1st i drop into depression again like my body is just preparing me for the sadness that comes with being in the cold. well thankfully ive barely been outside these past few months and i think i managed to escape most of my winter depressive phases... still depressed though unfortunately which i think is a crime against myself but hopefully meds will fix that!! yahoo!
been missing my family outside of my grandparents a lot. ive just been hiding away since the car crash and its taken a lot from me. not to mention new emotions that i need to process recently and its been a lot. i really hope to see some of them soon.
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