i went outside for a bit just a few mins ago, and i believe i saw a shooting star if my mind wasnt playing tricks on me. it was beautiful, the stars are beautiful, and i feel so at home in their presence.
today i realize i'll never be any of my past selves ever again, whether that's a good thing or not. i'll never be listening to music on my mp3 player on the bus again, i'll never feel the relief of coming home after a long day or feel the dread of waking up super early in the morning. i'll never feel my arms against the cold desks as i fall asleep, and after my birthday this year, i'll never be a teenager again. i'll never cry in the bathroom again, cry in front of my most trusted counselors or teachers again, or feel the sting against my arms from hurting myself there. i'll never feel the dread of homework or how proud i would feel when i finally accomplished assignments, or how annoying it would feel to have teachers telling me to take my headphones off. i'll never feel the pain of being in highschool but i'll also never feel the feeling of how carefree things truly used to be. im mourning and living in my past trying to grasp at whatever i can. i just wish i had more time.
sometimes i want to make video diaries but it feels stupid talking to my phone
i think i used to take pain more gracefully but i hate how it feels. i dont feed off of it anymore, i just drown.
i cant tell fantasy and imagination from reality i think
yesterday i went to this cool art show type of place with an aunt and cousin and i saw a lot of different cool things, i bought a poetry book and a hand painted luna moth pin from the author, and i talked to her about me thinking that i'd like to be a poet and how i feel like im not good enough/i dont think anyone would read it, etc. and she told me to write for myself and i needed that reminder that i need to do things for myself more often. on another note, somehow in my most recent therapy session, i ended up talking more about my spirituality, and apparently i have a lot of similarities between what i believe in and hinduism. i know basically nothing abt it, ive looked into it a little bit and on the surface level i can see why my therapist said that. i found it fascinating to me that people who follow hinduism believe that everything in this world is considered equal as one, and that they believe your consciousness is separate from your body and therefore you arent your body. ive been hitting rough patches recently and i need to feel more connected again in the world and people around me.
i think we are one in the same. no animal, plant or person is above another. we are all alive and conscious, and that's a miracle of its own. i think sometimes people that ive observed can forget abt animals or plants bc they are "lesser", but in reality theyre experiencing a different type of life like the rest of us. im not sure how "conscious" plants are, but i do think they have a soul of some sort. off topic, but i recently went fishing with my grandpa for the first time since i was a kid in a catch and release zone nearby. it felt like good old times but there was something kind of dreadful knowing that a fish would hurt itself just for us to have fun and it felt sickening watching the worm squirm in pain on the hook. these things never bothered me as a kid and this isnt going to keep me from going fishing with my grandpa again, i guess im more sensitive to the world around me these days. i think i care too much.
i wanted to cry seeing that worm actually, and it makes me want to cry even now. i dont care how big or small a lifeform is, that creature is ALIVE. things like this (amongst other reasons ofc) make me consider becoming more on the vegan or vegetarian side.
journal wipe to keep the vibes clean
also if ur like me who cleans out their journal frequently, always save backups of ur site by downloading it, i have a shit ton of old copies of my site just bc of this and it gives me peace of mind knowing if anything goes wrong i can save my stuff
my toxic trait is that i listen to my music way too loudly and i think i might be losing hearing bc of it
i feel more like a ghost i think in the way i slink around anxiously in the backgrounds of peoples lives and memories.
i cant tell if im having one of my typical emotional trends where my mood goes up for a bit and stays there n then i come back down or if my emotional baseline is changing but holy FUCK my depressions been able to fuck off on its own for a while now. everything is so beautiful and it's so weird but it's so good and i love this feeling
i hate it when ppl cant have the balls to upright tell me something abt myself or what im doing in a negative way like UUUGHHH DONT BE A LITTLE BITCH ABT IT I HATE WHEN PPL TALK BEHIND MY BACK. it's so annoying bruh (not that its happened recently but i started thinking of old situations and ewwwwww
i like the thought of dancing in rays of light in some forest. i cant dance but i'll sway to the sounds and energies of nature. everythings beautiful if you just let it be
sometimes my handwriting is pretty and other times it's messy and mid as hell and the font i made with it is kind of mid but i think it gives this website more of a personal charm
BRUH SINCE WHEN DOES NEOCITIES HAVE A 10 COMMENT A DAY LIMIT?? ON UR OWN PROFILE TOO? HUH
okay anyways i think this new font looks better than the previous one
my biggest issue is that no matter what i do i feel like i cant get my hand writing font to be exactly perfect or aligned and it SUCKS
im not really sure what my vision is for this site, im tempted to completely gut it all and start over and see what happens.. there's always going to be backups of it for a reason to fall back on if i dont like it.
it feels better to forgive and let go than to hold onto the past
i just realized that bc im growing up, my site is also awkwardly growing up so she's going through it with me and its so weird
i need to get checked out by a doctor i dont know if im losing my hearing or if my ears r just blocked like always
wouldnt it be funny if i deleted my website and everything regarding it
nah cuz im not even upset as i write this, i just want to have a minimal presence online these days. fuck it
the smell of freshly cut grass has to be one of the best things ever
i had a drink again and i thought that it might make me feel better but im sweaty and dizzy and i feel like shit as i usually do.
theres another deep ache again. it rattles restlessly in my chest. back and forth, sawing and cutting and bleeding. it's funny how sometimes you can feel the weight of the world break your heart and have it be physically felt. i used to think my brain was dissolving as my conditions got worse, but maybe it was my heart going out too. maybe it's always been slowly going out because of my sensitivities. it still beats but i dont understand why. i dont understand why i wake up every day but fuck it, i try to push through it. i try to be positive. i try to be better and i try to tolerate myself more. idk how to end off this entry
you were right, there is a world outside of my apartment and there is more to this life. but it's scary out there.
i told myself in the past i wouldnt care if my dad died but i would. i'd tell his ghost everything that i couldnt when he was alive.
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