names that are mentioned in my journal that need to be explained

⸸ - JOURNAL - ⸸

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time for the usual journal wipe that happens almost every 5 ish months


i have not experienced a love this deep, this ethereal, this rich and this painful. i hope that somebody will feel the same about me instead of me finding it within somebody who does not feel the same. the possibility of that happening though is nearly impossible. it is only a wish. i hope that one day it wont be.

god im almost embarrassed at how intense my thoughts and feelings towards zee are. im almost embarrassed that i see them as this ethereal being. they are so beautiful in many ways and i have always wanted to be close to them, not just emotionally either. like i need to blur and blend with them and their presence. i need to be with them and it kills me. i want to be a part of them. the intensity disgusts me. it scares me.

my family probably thought that i would be something by now. that i'd be someone. that i'd live up to whatever expectations they had of me as i was growing up. but im not the same person, i am far from it. i am not what anybody thinks. everybody has different perceptions of me and some may be more accurate than others, but it will never be a true reflection of my existence. i am what failed potential looks like. i am what disappointment feels like. the further i live, the further i dissolve. i am nothing at its rawest form.


im not sure if a wave of apathy is hitting me or if i am okay. that's sad.


depression is now settling in once more. i was doing alright, and now i am falling back down. just spiralling i guess. hitting weird places emotionally and mentally. i feel that sinking dread, that winter-like cold. that reassurance of it coming back. it is a familiar feeling. in a twisted way, that's what my home is. that's what home feels like.


love. what a sacrifice it is.


spent some time with jinx and zee today and we had fun as usual. i dont have a lot to say about it. besides that, im not feeling the greatest again, and im not looking forward to going to school this week. no particular reason as to why, maybe because im tired. idk.


havent talked about blu for a while. we're still as close as ever, but they've been super busy with college so i havent seen them in a while or had the chance to call or play minecraft.


i had a dream about a person from my past. it's the same person i wrote that long letter to if you remember before the journal wipe. i havent given him a name because idk if i should. but ive been dreaming and thinking about him a lot and it hurts me so much knowing what happened between us. i do miss him and i miss what we had. these past 4 years have been hell and probably my most traumatic but i would do it again just to redo my mistakes.

idk how to put into words exactly how tired of everything i am. the more that time passes the more i realize how blurred together my life is. i dont remember the last time my life felt like it was distinct or something worth remembering. i dont remember the last time i felt real, and i dont remember the last time i felt alive. nothing is working.


i cant tell the difference between being 14 and being 17. my life is such a blur. these past 3 years are happening all at once and i dont know what year it is or how old i am.

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