hot take but idc abt politics as much as i used to. i dont rlly have a label for which "side" im on (but i guess you could say im a moderate with a left lean?). a lot of the info abt me here is outdated. i laugh at everyone equally bc i think it's stupid that we cant settle things with a game of rock paper scissors and agree to disagree and be polite to one another. it's rlly not that hard to understand that we're all human and we all deserve to be treated equally and everyone should have rights regardless of how u identify. no one is better than one another bc of some social or wealth status. at the end of the day we're on a spinning rock in the middle of nowhere. i dont think things have to be so deep anymore lol
a month ago in a group chat with some of my friends i said "im convinced its the mental illness and very weird metaphorical speech that attracts ppl to me" and i think it was fitting to share this with the world
thank god its the end of the year! im so ready to start fresh, to be a better person. 2025 is the year im really going to start finding myself and forming me into who I personally want to be and not be the person that the people around me want to be. this year has been shit for the most part, and finally i dont feel dread leaving another year behind. i'll figure out what i want to do with myself, with this site, with everything and anything. it is time for me to finally grow a back bone and take the world by its nuts and say that im here and im not going anywhere. this year im going to be LOUD about who i am. i dont give a fuck, we only live once.
i feel powerful knowing i can be whatever i want to be
im always so painfully devoted to the people that i love especially when it comes to romance. i think i might have an issue with being obsessed but im not sure.
finally, the big 25! i can rest peacefully knowing that all the past energy from 2024 is left in that year. im ready to see myself bloom.
hands down one of my favorite shoegaze experiences ever is the song "i want to be with you" by sadness, especially when played on good quality headphones at 100% volume. it's so fucking raw and real and beautiful. ugh holy shit
99% journal wipe to start the new year off strong
i forget how bad it is to listen to music super loud but its never loud enough for me!!
i hate back pain at 19
the red and black theme is getting old i think i might actually redesign my site this year for real
new year, new me, new site. give me some time but i swear im actually going to go through with the redesign. it's going to be completely different, and i wont spoil what my plans or visions are, but say goodbye to the red and black themes. im over it and going to go for something softer and whimsical. im not going to announce anything, but when you see my front page start to change, you'll know. this site is approaching 5 years old in august and genuinely i cannot believe ive stuck with it for this long. ive grown up a bit and i think its time that this site goes through its own transformation too. ❤
i think ravioli is one of the best things to exist idc what yall say i LOVE CARBS
i'll never amount to anything
i dont get why ive been made fun of for having a more formal way of talking or having a slightly extended vocab, idc that i sound like a book im just.. myself?
I HATE BEING SLEEPY LET ME WAKE UP AUGH
midnight ravioli is soooo good. also happy 1 year to me n my fiancee (we cant decide if its the 7th or 8th but i still say the 8th.. technically.. LOL)
tonight i am feeling so emotionally high that i am not sure if i am going through an episode or if this is what normal is for ppl without depression
mood swings r only fun when i feel like im on top of the world and nothing and no one can stop me. unfortunately i am trying to have a semi normal sleep schedule so i need to go to bed and not impulsively create art. man
lowkey its kind of dumb at this point in time for me to have a public journal and do nothing else with my site. idk if i just want to redesign everything or if i want to like delete everything... ughhhhhhhhhhh
my first site was so cringe im shocked i havent taken it down yet
idk if i resonate with the "emptygod" label as much as i used to.. it was a big part of me when i was younger but i feel like it doesnt click with me. maybe im going through a phase of disconnect or maybe im growing up. who knows
im gonna be away for a bit visitng my fiancee YIPPIEEE so if i dont update for a bit thats why ❤ teehee i'll be back later at some point! not sure when
hey fellas im back.. i'll tell yall abt my adventures later cause i just got home lmao
was i ever a good person or was i just sheltered to believe so?
anyways since the accident me n my fiancee havent had a car but we both had some money and got to go out a little bit :3 it was a lot of fun and i'll be going back out to see her later this week ^.^ we did a shit ton of shopping and ordering food and we went to the mall on our engagement/marriage anniversary and i got to do a demo of apple's vision pro at a mall we went to. it BLEW MY FUCKING MIND OMFG! if only i had the money to buy one cause i totally would. ermmm other than that we didnt do too much but it was nice!!
im excited for valentines day, i love being able to celebrate the joys of love and connection with my fiancee!! and i love being able to gift her things as well ❤
ive been.. absent to say the least. absent from most of my friends and most family too. i feel like shit, i miss everyone and yet i cant stand most social interaction currently. the thought of it just makes me sick.
starting today i'll be away until around the 28th to be with my fiancee some more. toodles!
i was gone a little bit longer than expected but im home for a bit. we had a lot of fun together, had to help pack and bring things with me since theyre moving. so im just chilling now :) on another note, i need to find a new therapist at some point
yeaaaaaahhh its so embarrassing to ask for help but its all ive ever had to ask for cuz i am slow and behind. i hate asking for things like i should be able to do shit by myself. UGH
eye appointment today!! time to get new glasses cause i lost one of the lenses to my first pair. rip. i wanna get the same frame if they still have it.
the moment you embrace what is not yours in regards to who you are as an individual is the moment you kill yourself (which is a fancy way of saying be urself)
how to feel alive?
everything, no matter what season, makes me feel bittersweet or nostalgic or heartbroken over something. there's a sadness attached to everything and everywhere i go. everything bleeds that sweet, glistening sting. my heart aches when the cold air burns through my flesh and the heaviness prevails when the sun sets in the summer. the in between seasons are the same.. the rain that spring brings makes me yearn for brighter skies and the falling leaves of autumn makes me dread winter. everything is beautiful, but it hurts. if only i could cut open space and time and let it all flow out. the flooding wouldnt be an issue as long as it brought healing. i dont understand why everything must be so strong and impactful. the best and worst of my life will always be consistently etched into everywhere i go and everything i feel.
people change.
it's the little things that can either make my day or break me completely but thankfully i am doing good so far :)
its all catching up to me again. fuck
after every good thing must come misery. maybe if i remain miserable i wont have to feel the fluctuations anymore
okay guys guess who is seeing a new therapist tomorrow 🥰
i miss my younger years. i want it all back so bad
my head hurts.. it wont stop
i feel the emptiness again. but it's not pure numb emptiness, it's the emptiness of depression. the emptiness that strips you whole and leaves your chest gaping for mercy. i beg god to help me still.
hopefully gonna get back on my wellbutrin 300 mg prescription. do yall remember that whole thing from last year LMAO it made me feel like shit that i couldnt emotionally connect or be empathetic but damn it worked so good in being not depressed. i love ruining my mental health in different ways i wish i could find a medication that worked for me
i need to be placed in a hot bath tub rn but like still feel warm when getting out cause i hate getting in an awesome bath or shower and then ur just sopping wet and cold??? like ugh its so unfair. wtf
every now and then if i stay up just late enough i can escape the depression and actually find something to laugh at. thanks brain!
the mid afternoon depression hits SO hard like its beautiful out but i actively hold tears back anyways
much better today!! yahoo
i need a good explanation as for (usually) every september 1st i drop into depression again like my body is just preparing me for the sadness that comes with being in the cold. well thankfully ive barely been outside these past few months and i think i managed to escape most of my winter depressive phases... still depressed though unfortunately which i think is a crime against myself but hopefully meds will fix that!! yahoo!
been missing my family outside of my grandparents a lot. ive just been hiding away since the car crash and its taken a lot from me. not to mention new emotions that i need to process recently and its been a lot. i really hope to see some of them soon.
i love peach prc i wish australians were real
i know i need to go to bed but music and fake scenarios at 2 am is literally the best
auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh its an average cloudy and rainy day and i dont mind the rain but ive been liking sunnier days more as ive been getting older
i hate the isolation thats coming from me being traumatized. i miss my family and friends but it's so hard. everything is so hard.
we all deserve a second chance
oooookay me when i got a notification last night that for my psychiatrist appointment i need to put in other payment details if insurance doesnt cover everything so i had to cancel the appointment bc WHAT. why didnt u tell me this before?? so thats frustrating as FUCK i want to FEEL NORMAL AND FUNCTIONAL lowkey what if i just snort the rest of my wellbutrin thats about to expire (for legal reasons im not actually going to this just sounded funny in my head)
when anything happens i feel the need to delete everything.. love social anxiety
i went from average tcc user to predicting the arrival of aliens in a matter of years. sounds abt right
i did my first driving lesson earlier with my grandpa (driving in a circle in a parking lot) and it was one of the scariest things ive ever done. who thought it would be a good idea to put me behind the wheel
i wish i could feel something different than from how i feel now. its so hard transitioning from angsty teen to angsty adult bc i feel like no one ever takes self harm seriously if ur older than 17-18. these days i feel like truly no one understands me. was i always meant to be alone?
ive been feeling off again and i dont know why. i feel like something is off again. every time i think abt my life being "fake" something bad happens. it's weird.
i spent so many years indulging in the terrible smell and sight of blood. it always burned and turned the water red in the shower but i'd do it anyways.
i will say ive been doing a lot better than how i was when i was younger. it's why i want to shed this site's theme, ive become a different person. ive grown into something more. ofc, life has thrown a shit ton of new trauma and pain at me, and a lot of feelings i dont know what to do with, but i think im slightly more at peace. not all the time, but right now.. im okay.
i made this site when i was in a lot of pain, that's not to say this site has never not been a place for me to put my pain, but im different now. the pain i feel is different and it will keep on being different. remaking this site is not going to be easy and tbh i dont even know where to start but im gonna do it somehow
went to check the tcc tags on tumblr and im so glad everyone is going strong and still shitposting
also i'll never understand why my cats like to chew on grape stems bc that seems really yucky?? and arent grapes bad for cats?? make it make sense
always in the background of everything but rarely ever acknowledged (do i keep it that way? do i like it or hate the feeling of only a few eyes being on me?)
sometimes i miss the honda but then i realize she was made to die like the rest of us and she killed herself to save me and my fiancees life. her spirits with us but a piece of me will always be left on the road that night
am i really alive if all i do is consume the thoughts and feelings of others?
my toxic trait is being so bored that i need something around me to happen instead of doing something about it myself
i realized i should probably remove the tcc tag on my site cuz im not rlly involved in that flavor of the web anymore so i replaced it with spirituality cuz idk what else to replace it with 😭
i guess my site is more. tcc-website inspired? perhaps? mayhaps even? at least for the time being. i stiiiillllll kind of vibe with the red n black theme cause i think it's fun and nostalgic and mysterious (?) and i also have no idea how im gonna redo this site's theme LMAO
never lie to me, i always find out. my intuition/sixth sense, whatever u wanna call it, WILL tell me if your words dont align 95% of the time.
america really is cooked so it's just me and my favorite things up against the world. living here is a fucking joke i wish i had the means to dip out
you really are just the people you've ever loved or cared about in your life no matter how much it hurts or how far the distance between you two is in the present
i feel old squinting at everything when i dont have my glasses on 💔
im not particularly religious but in recent times i have asked god / our higher power / the universe to help me release any anger or grudges i have towards anyone cause holding things against ppl is something i struggle with and it doesnt feel good in my heart
i am not evil or terrible nor am i flawless or perfect but i try every day to be kind and honest and true to myself and the people around me and as long as i keep my heart and mind open then that's what matters the most to me. i just want to be the kindest version of myself
why did it snow when IT'S GOING TO BE 60 IN TWO DAYS i dont understand the weather here sometimes
im always surprised by the amount of ppl that have had crushes on me like ermmmm ookay. like even as someone who is seriously gonna be married at some point (hopefully soon!!! legal stuff takes a while) im always surprised that i am worthy of love and admiration cause im always the one writing abt people that im in love with and it's usually not the other way around but we're still goin strong >:)
these new melatonin gummies im on recently have been giving me insane vivid dreams that are almost nightmares but not quite (im very picky with what i put in my dream journal so its why i havent written anything within the past few days lmao)
recently i just want to run away far from here, far from this existence. the only way i can do this is by dreaming at night or travelling the entire country and living in a car.. god i want to get out of here, i want to escape. i wish i wasnt afraid of driving and i wish i had the means to just go on the road for hours at a time. i'd be gone for weeks or months. i crave freedom. i just want to escape. i just dont want to feel pain.
my worst fear came true when i accidentally closed out of my browser before i could save my journal entry 💔
OK WAIT I WAS ABLE TO GET IT BACK i was just dumb lmao i'll post it in a few mins
something im coming to realize as i get older is that the majority of politicians create problems and spew hatred to the masses so we're kept dumb and hate on the wrong people and focus on the wrong issues. this society and earth is collapsing under our feet. political parties are meant to keep up separated. the beliefs and lies in media are fed to us every day and they want to keep us brainwashed so we're easy to manipulate because being "progressive" is bad and straying from this mainstream consciousness they've built will get you hurt, killed, bullied, you will be called an outcast for not draining yourself to soulless individuals. you will be called crazy for believing that things are being destroyed because they don't want you to know what's really happening. ignorance is bliss when you direct your hatred to minorities instead of the people and corporations that tell you to hate. i think the root emotion of hate stems from misinformation and fear, and this is EXACTLY what they spread. they will lie about groups of people who have done nothing wrong so that the politicians aren't hated, so we don't go against them. the media focuses on the wrong issues and therefore we focus on the wrong issues too. everything will be okay until your rights are taken away too. everything will be okay until our skies are black and water is scarce, and everything is actively dying with each step we take. everything will be okay until we need to breathe through respirator masks. we will be lucky if we make it another 15-20 years as a species because the way things are looking don't look so good. of course not everything is bad, we have the power to reverse the negative affects we've had on this earth and we have the capabilities to be able to learn more and love or tolerate each other, but it's only a matter of IF we do. and IF we don't, i fear the worst will happen.
despite my previous dreadful journal entry, im actually having a pretty good day! im enjoying myself quite a bit! it's a beautiful day outside and im just chilling
being an artist is great and all until you realize you actually have to put in effort to make things and it just doesnt appear on its own from ur brain. UUUGH (and before someone tells me that AI can do it for me. no it cant. LOL)
the microwave keeps going off and i feel like im going insane. i feel like something inside of me is imploding and exploding at the same time inside of my skull, inside of my rib cage. dinner's ready but i want to scream in the middle of no where and ask god to take me back home. everythings fine but i know world war 3 is right around the corner. when will it be my turn to see my town turn into ashes? when will it be my turn to have to defend myself? every time the microwave is going off i know i have to eat but my jaw hurts. i am tired. i am looking for utopia in this dystopia. in 5-10 years, it'll be more than basic human rights we fight over. it wont be about minorities, it will be about the land, air, oceans we share. people will get territorial again and we will fight to the death for something we should share. i know we will all die in a nuclear war and in a 1,000 years, the earth will have taken over our cities and stories. maybe a kinder species will evolve and take over again.
sorry ive been having a lot of world war 3 anxiety and intrusive thoughts i should really keep this to the private journal shouldnt i
today seems like it will be better i think!!
i like to think that being able to type on my keyboard with my eyes closed is a cool flex but idk how cool it is in this day and age honestly
my back hurts
i promise im going to make the splash page look not ugly im just working on it slowly LOL
i clench my seatbelt every time whoever's driving gets too close to the car in front. before the accident, i'd think, "damn we're kinda close", but now all i can think is "stop. STOP. ITS GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN"
i went outside for a bit just a few mins ago, and i believe i saw a shooting star if my mind wasnt playing tricks on me. it was beautiful, the stars are beautiful, and i feel so at home in their presence.
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