thinking ive outgrown this site tbh
anyways journal wipe
sorry sometimes i feel self conscious about how big my audience is LOL anyways after going off of my meds my abstract thoughts have been peaking through so if i go on rambles like i used to, that is why
it's funny realizing we all inhabit all of our past selves
it's all some weird emotional cycle for me, emotions pull me deeper and deeper and therefore i spiral. not that anything has happened for me to cause these reflections but im just saying in general. emotions control me more than i can control them and god i wish i could say it would be easier to not care but not caring has proven to be destructive as well. im damned if i do and damned if i dont. god damn i hate being sensitive but there's nothing i can do about it.
summer is a strange time for me. the transition from spring to summer especially for some reason. everything feels peaceful, i feel at ease, and yet there is still a part of me that says otherwise. i wouldnt say summer overall is depressing, im not even sure what it is. the evenings and how drawn out they are - it's my favorite part and time of day. but when i sit here with my thoughts, evenings turn into times of reflections that can let melancholic feelings through. there's always something that bleeds out.
always uncomfortable being in my body, how i wish i could manipulate it into what i want to see. i want to be reborn, i want to be myself, and im always wishing for something greater. what am i becoming and what have i become? i dont know. what am i to do with myself? it's always get a job.. do something.. wish i could turn my years of suffering into money. i wouldnt have to bother with the world. i hide, and i hide, and i hide. not even meds could mend how far gone ive become, all it did was turn me into an asshole. starting my med journey in october/november of 2023, i went in optimistic. i wanted my meds to make me happier, to bring more life into my body and mind, and i havent found that. mental illness is so uncomfortably comfortable. always choking me in the comfort of my own home that ive made out of my illness. i wish i could just take the easy way and zap my brain with some electricity instead of playing the guessing game with medication. and you know, i wish i was built for capitalism, as much as i hate to say it. too scared to go to school and too scared to get a job and im actually enjoying this time off that i have because im not in total misery. i finally dont want to unalive myself every second of my life. i fear that there's nowhere to hide and no place i can run to.
i often forget that i am adult, i forget in general that i have an age. i dont feel as mature as i used to, i am far from an adult. i am expected to conform when i am meant to be a nonconformist, but arent we all? what am i to do? it's the biggest question that hangs over me.. what am i going to do with my life.. i grew up not seeing a future for myself so it's genuinely a struggle trying to get on track with caring about what im going to do concerning a career or job or whatever it might end up being. school made me wanna kill myself, my work program made me feel the same, if i face the world is this how i am going to live my life? am i going to be miserable forever? i cant allow it. ive spent so many years being miserable and i hate it. i dont know what to do.
i feel like im decaying. god knows how long ive been in this state of decay, it feels like centuries. i think i might be withering away. this fucked up sense knowing we're all going to die looms over me and sometimes i think about when it'll be my time to head out. im terrified yet i feel like a part of me accepts the fact that i may already have passed.. which is a feeling i havent felt since the worst period of my life. not in the sense that ive accepted that im going to do something to myself but in the sense that i am reliving memories and i have yet to mentally catch up to the future. it's a fucked up thing, it's sad and it's scary feeling like im so far gone that im already dead. im not hitting any kind of new low but the depths which i am sinking keep growing as the days pass and all i do is stare at the sky and the trees and cry to bastet at night. all i do is cry. if im not crying, im actually doing fine. some days are better than others. but when it comes crashing down, parts of me die a little more. i went off meds to try to become who i used to be, and i cant say im different nor the same. the depression and abstract thoughts came flooding in, though there is still parts of me that have yet to come back and i cant pinpoint what they are or where they went, but something is different, like someone who looks like me walked into my place. im confused, lost and scared. what am i becoming?
im actually a fucking monster i cant even call myself a good person
i wish i could erase myself
but it's not like i exactly want to die. i just want to erase my existence and i think it's a completely different thing. i wanna start over, be fresh again, heal the wounds that shouldve never been cut to begin with. is that so hard?
it's weird, i know it's 2024 but it doesnt feel like it. it still feels like 2023 to me. like the thought of ever thinking that the years could pass on has stopped at 2023. i dont know. i can never wrap my head around the passage of time. im everywhere but here, and that's all i'll ever know. always reliving memories and things i wish could happen rather than being in the moment. dissociation is a strange thing.
im thankful in some weird way that time travel doesnt exist so that i cant go back in time and talk to the person i was exactly a year ago. i wouldnt want to break his heart early but i also miss the person i used to be. i miss the last moments of highschool, tomorrow marks a year of graduation. i'd do it all over.
what happened to me?
i think im just on the path to finding myself and undergoing change is uncomfortable but i think i'll be okay
i was quite the specimen when i was younger LMAO
im going to try to beat my depression a little bit by diving into spiritual topics i want to learn more about. hopefully this can make me feel better and make me feel more fulfilled. raven helped me set this as a personal goal for today so i really appreciate her help.
me n my fiancee went to see one of her favorite artists live last night and it was a lot of fun!! it was our first concert and i do regret not bringing any sort of noise cancelling stuff because i definitely have 5 years worth of hearing damage LOL but it was worth it
the emotional hell of breaking up has been unleashed. i actually feel like im dying
working on things with my fiance n we're back together
im alive, just tired. havent had a lot to write about
finally having some peace of mind today
the energy around and in me feels heavy. i dont know if i feel like im suffocating or drowning again.. i just feel a weight like a couple hundred pounds of chains just dropped onto me, and it hurts, and i ache. i wish i could drive, i need to get out of this house.
this emptiness is forever
halfway through july already? it feels like just yesterday since it begun. this year is going by fast.
i wish there was a way for something or someone to tell me exactly who/what i am and what my purpose is and every little detail about my being because i have no idea who i am or what im doing. my sense of self is very distorted and broken and i just want to find peace in knowing what im here for and who i am
i wanna start a new creative project to express who i am but idk what i want to do. do i wanna draw or paint something big? do i wanna make a collage, digital or physical? im not sure.
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