my poetry archive, where thoughts cannot be considered a journal entry or a quote..

note: these will probably wont be in chronological order

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january 15, 2022

im convinced that if you cut me open
there would be impurities spilling out
and maggots making their way out into the world
but this is just how i feel on the inside
a dirty animal with no bark but the sharpest teeth
eyes that show you true agony
and stardust veins climbing up my spine as if it were a staircase

maybe this is just how i feel
maybe this is not my truest reflection
but no matter how much i try to wipe the mirror clean,
why am i always left with the same being looking at me?

maybe this isn't right
i should've cleaned myself earlier,
but the universe gave me no instructions or warning sign
that this would be the face i would be looking into
for the rest of eternity.

it's humiliating, really
how someone could be the most beautiful and the most ugliest thing
the contrast is strange, honestly
but i see through everything, as i always have
how i see into everything above us and below
but the reflection of this being, how could it be that this is it?

the reflection is so convincing
and is so painful to look at.
the hardest thing, however
is living inside of this thing.

i told them, "this isn't right"
straight into the eyes of god, i watched it
i felt it on all levels of existence
as they took control and sedated me
i had now begun to witness the extremities and cruelties
of what the universe means,
of what it has done to me,
and what it has done to my reflection.

"attempting to let go"

december 23rd, 2021

maybe some
safety pins and hot glue would keep me together
all tied up and stuck back in place
with a lighter to my skin
knees on cold pavement
i let go of the past
in a single moment, all the anguish was gone
it turned a bright orange, quickly to nothing but ash
back into the universe where you belong
you do not belong as a tangible piece of work from my cold era
you are set free in the physical realm, but on the emotional and memory levels you linger
and all the little bits and pieces that i stuck onto myself
i stuck the ashes back into parts of my soul greedily
because, in reality, when can i ever let go of anything?


(poem has date for title)

im lost and looking in the wrong direction
but what does that even mean?
what is the space we all exist in, why does it matter so much to me?
if it's all going to shatter beneath everyone's feet one day, why do i feel this horrible ache in my soul that is unable to be solved?
it's unable to heal.
everything around.. it's just puzzles and mathematics. it's just physics and stardust. illusions and projections.
and i care about it so deeply. the creatures and people in this time that the universe has decided to settle me in.
if only i didnt care so much. if only i was truly a cold hearted person that people didn't care about or want in their lives.
but people love me, for some reason. people care and people want me to be alive and walk upon this god awful earth with them.
but i cant tell you why.
i wish i had the ability to take it all away. to wipe this slate clean, to wipe my existence, to restore balance again in the world.
i wish i could go out beautifully, like a violent star exploding that no one knows about.
that is me. i am that star that will explode, and has exploded, and no one knows about it because it is lightyears away.
no human or any other creature witnessed it or will witness it, despite how blinding and deafening it was and will be.
just because it is not in your field of vision does not mean that it doesn't exist or that it didn't happen.

"immerse me"

september 7th, 2021

i want to fall
fall into your nothingness
fall into what was meant to be
i want to fall into your void
immerse me in the endless tragedy.

"love and defiance"

december 25th, 2021

the love that surrounds
the deepest feeling
ingrained and enveloped
entwined for an eternity
long lasting echoes
serenity in life
bound by my own rules
i conquer nothing but my own life
i defy the chains of others

"my mirror"

december 27th, 2021

i feel you in my soul
in my very being
ive pushed it away for so long
but there is no denying
that what i feel
is a connection to you
the deepest connection
to someone i have never met on this realm
but you come into my dreams
you come to me in so many ways
you are my reflection
my mirror

"perish quietly"

november 9th, 2020

it's an empty thought full of everything and nothing all at once

the thought of a forced exctinct plan, one that is not supposed to surface

but deep down, the fire still burns away at my flesh for the world to see

I perish quietly.

"reality twisting"

june 5th, 2021

in an alternate universe, twisted in my own image
this reality slowly becomes the one i dreaded
the reality that i feared would come to me one day has arrived.
dear god, why did you abandon me?

"im not from here"

july 22nd, 2021

im not from here
im not from here

ive never wanted to be here
ive never wanted to be here

i dont belong anywhere anymore
with the new feeling filling me up to the core

im not from here
im not from here

im not from anywhere
ill never belong anywhere

i dont belong anywhere anymore
as you've beat me to the floor

ill never belong anywhere
ill never belong anywhere


january 31st, 2022

maybe the only way to make sense of things
is to believe in reincarnation
so then it would make sense
when the first time i had looked in your eyes
and then looked back at myself
i felt everything collide
and it all came together

"self aware"

february 2nd, 2022

i carry the weight of the stars
every thing that has been said lingers
and everything that will never happen will soon come to be
i guess this is a curse in some way
i feel corrupted with being self aware
i am too self aware
i know things the universe doesnt want me to know
but i know them anyway
and i can see through the glass and up into gods eyes
staring deeply back into me, i am disturbed
but the pull for this knowledge that was hidden from me
i crave it all

"soul passing"

february 19th, 2022

i had died a long time ago
maybe not physically, cause im still here
but my soul has left my body and i must catch up to where ever it may be
it passed on without me
and now i must find it
where ever it may be,
where ever it's hiding,
i will eventually be with it too
somewhere out there alone resting beside the edges of the universe
where there is no responsibility, and the stars have lifted their weights off of me
there is tranquility and solace
finally there is nothing to fear
nothing to drown from and nothing to hate
this is when i realized the definition of this kind of fate.


february 21st, 2022

this world is incredibly desolate
the constant burden of being conscious is heavy
and i keep trying to run away from it
i wanna go further and further
further than i have ever gone before
because it seems there are endless possibilities at the end

"depths of time"

may 30th, 2022

do you ever feel like
you can look into someones soul
at just the slightest glance
and you know everything about them
every little detail
because i feel like people are trying to stare into me
trying to reach into uncertain depths of time
in which i dont understand at all


june 14th, 2022

do you remember
when this space was taken
and full of your energy?
your human energy, your bright energy
it seemed to cascade down and into my eyes
into the spaces that could no longer be filled
because then, and only then, could those spaces be filled
by only you.

"your tangible dream"

august 30th, 2022

i wish my dreams would become real, tangible even
so that i could hold them and feel each blistering light of stardust move through their veins
i wonder when any of this would happen
maybe in a different reality, i will have what i talk to the moon and stars about before i go to bed.

"waves of dreams"

september 1st, 2022

i feel you in my dreams but never in waking moments
far out of reach in a plethora of waves crashing over one another
i see you for brief moments, little glimpses into a window of time
i feel you crash down onto me but never do i feel what i desire to

"your eyes"

september 18th, 2022

i think i see the entire universe in your eyes,
and when i get a glimpse of that for just moments at a time,
the world stops.
time halts in your presence
and i get a sense of eternity in the existence of you.


september 22nd, 2022

i am no longer a child,
rather i am a growth of a new man
who doesn't know his way out of his own body.


october 4th, 2022

oh and for once,
i do see what shines through the windows
but only for small periods of time
as light only travels so far and so fast.

"can you hear me"

november 17th, 2022

can you hear me,
each word and dream i conjure
every last second shaking blood into the sink
can you hear me,
my being ripped apart
the last breath of my words
i dont believe you hear me at all.

"what are you"

november 19th, 2022

what are you,
in this space and time?
where do you start and where do you end,
how ephemeral is your body? are you forever,
or are you meant to disappear?
will you take me with you?

"misplaced in time"

november 20th, 2022

im elsewhere,
from the depths of my mind
to each crack that remains in my soul,
i am eternally elsewhere
misplaced in time.


november 23rd, 2022

are you alive,
to what extent you say.
are you in there, are you breathing,
your words cry out.
do i even know? where have you gone?
perhaps not, but i feel you here,
no matter how cold.


november 30th, 2022

i cannot hold the absence of where you used to be in my arms
for all i feel is the particles of stardust that created you,
and it burns like no other fire,
and it burns like no other pain
that has ever entered my body
and soul.

"your light"

january 16th, 2023

oh youre too bright to be forgotten
your light is too monstrous
too full of love, too full of kindness
and if somehow time does pass by us and
the memory of you does somehow fade slowly,
never will the memory of your light go.
that is one thing about you; you never cease to exist in my mind.


january 20th, 2023

youre my whisper
my glance into
a window that
will never exist
for what i yearn to have,
for what i yearn to be,
is all that it ever will be;
a yearning for impossibilities,
as you are my impossibility
as you are what i glance into
there's truly nothing to be said,
not anymore.


january 27th, 2023

your eyes pierce through my soul
unveiling my secrets which i kept close
secrecy? i guess not
when your eyes pass by me and lock onto my presence,
you know everything.


january 31st, 2023

i feel desolate
completely, entirely,
from my spirit to bone
it is all i am
all i ever will be
rotting eternally
this is
not what i wanted
but what
i deserve.


february 14th, 2023

ive sunken once again
back into my shell of misery
back into my home
where i belong with the lights off
and the voices loud;
though, it's quiet
and fragile as if it was
a glass pane.


february 17th, 2023

your hands reach deep into my soul
wading back and forth between the layers
that makes up my being
and yet i feel stuck wading between the surface
when i step into you
when all i really want is to entwine myself and drown
in your pure essence
in your entirety

"lost amidst you"

february 20th, 2023

i was lost amidst
your great sunlight
your love and your power
taking each step closer to you
sometimes not even doing so carefully
i naively poke through and try to catch you
you're such a dreamscape, fading away with time
coming back in moments where you're never really mine
closer, closer, closer, where i can feel your heartbeat
perfectly in sync with mine
i was lost amidst you

"forever (x3)"

february 21st, 2023

forever, forever, forever
you are my forever
the only one i see and feel
but, truly, you are not forever
for you are ephemeral;
existing only within fleeting moments
that i try to hold onto with dear life
because i need you to last forever
even if i only last for a second
in your eyes.


february 28th, 2023

in these moments
that pass us by
i blur into you
colliding on
levels that
are deeper than
the physical
and you unknowingly
hold me closer
than any other
past lover of mine
and you're very aware
that with each moment
i am close to you,
i break.

"carrying each other"

march 3rd, 2023

you and i,
we both kind of stumble
together and we kind of
fall over due to the weight
of the darkness we carry.
and when we started to carry
each other's darkness amongst our own,
i wonder what happened.
if we balanced each other out,
or if we broke each other's backs.
but i think we're doing just fine
carrying all of this.
carrying each other.


march 4th, 2023

i feel like i am
eternally ravenous
for you,
like i need to devour you.
like i need to become one with you.
i need you.
god i am starving for the fragments
of peace that you share with me
when we're together.
and you, my friend
you are not desperate for anything
concerning me.
you do not share the same appetite
for me.
you are not starving for my soul,
certainly not.
is it so bad to wish for the possibility
that maybe one day you will?

"your fields"

march 12th, 2023

i walk through your fields
with the heat of a summer night
eating my body, i feel it rotting away
but i keep running to you
i hear your name, i cant help but collapse
drowning in the words that you've spoken to me
in previous conversations, it all echoes from here
i feel the dagger you've left in my heart and soul
and i am bleeding, i am bleeding
shards of melancholy glass embeded throughout
and i cant breathe in your fields
nor can i breathe in your summer night
but, god, do i cry for you anyway.

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